tilpacer

<Funny, listening to Losing my Religion here>

Dreams. To me they are just fantasies, not reality. They are intangible, they can unachievable. So in essence, all dreams are denied by reality. It is when a dream turns into a goal that goals start getting denied by others. Me, family, friends, perfect strangers. But this is about dreams...

There is that dream of me being in a relationship with a girlfriend. That one has been denied. I think of this as dream because there are so many factors to getting into a relationship that you can never plan for making it a goal. Also there is the sex one too, but will attach that to the girlfriend thing.

There is the hero dream. I always dreamt of being a hero to someone someday. Not just a super hero with super powers, because I dream of that too, but just somebody that is looked up to. Someone who has saved a life. That is something I dream about.

And pie. I dream of pie all the time and I don't have any.

This one has been the hardest one to do so far, because it relates back to my career and I don't want to damage it. Professional Til is much more determined and aggressive than social Til. You try to fuck with professional Til, Til becomes very angry. He knows what he wants and what really damages his reputation. And a sexual harassment tag is something that he doesn't need.

I don't think I can go into that area in a public place like this. It is like confessing to a crime or something. Any evidence could be used against me. Congrats, you broke me.

Santa Claus is real. I think I believed that until I was like 7 or 8. I was never told that Santa Claus is not real, I just figured it out. The family got a Intellivision for Christmas one year from Santa. The Intellivision had a problem so my Dad went to return it and got a Nintendo. So how could my Dad return a gift from Santa to a store? Then, *ping*, ooooo. There is no Santa. So if there is no Santa, there shouldn't be a Easter Bunny. Then is there a God?

I used to believe to believe in God. That was until I started getting picked on daily at school. I asked why am I being punished for this? Why is God letting this happen? What did I do wrong? It was after that I realized. There is no God, just me and others on this planet. We all make decisions on what goes on in life. We can be jerks and pick on people, or we can be civil and let people just be. We can choose to stay and fight or run away and cry. I always choose the latter. That might have something to do with my introversion and that I didn't want to cause harm to anyone. God does not choose for us. If he did exist he would do something about this. He would show me a sign he existed. That never happened. It was me and some choice friends that have gotten me through. Not God.

That my parents would do anything for me. This is not a bash on them. They did more than a great job on me. They were there when I needed them. Like for going to University and having a place to stay. Or when I was jobless they let me stay for free. I am very appreciative of what they have done for me and my brother. But there was a time I wanted them to be there. It was for a new game I wanted to go pick up. I asked my dad if he would drive me the next day to go get it. The next day he changed his mind about taking me. I got really angry over something so trivial. I spent the day in my room crying. I think after that day, I realized, that I am on my own for most of this journey in life. I have to only ask for help when I absolutely need it. I only asked for rides if I needed them, I only asked for money if I really needed it. This goes to anyone I know. I will only ask for your help if I can't do it on my own.

Women, and anybody for that matter, who pose nude are people. They are not gods that should be worshipped. They are not sluts and should not be treated as such either. They are people. They have feelings. They have opinions. They have reasons for posing nude. They have the choice to do whatever they want to do with their bodies. They could be nude for porn or art, or both. They can be doing this for the money, the attention or status. Each person does it for their own reasons. I can not generalized on all, because everyone is different.

Well, first off. I don't believe in "the one". There are many people out there and they all have good qualities about them. I could fall in love with many of them. There is no "love of my life" but there are many loves in my life. That is why I think polyamoury is the route for me.

The question now becomes, "Does the thought of never finding somebody scare me?"

It bothers me very much, I am not going to lie. I would love to have a companion in my life. Just someone to share my day with, to trust my feelings with, to trust my goals and life to. But am I scared? Not really. I have been alone for most of my life. I have lived on my own for about 3 years now. No roommates. There are some weekends where I don't go out and am totally isolated from anyone. No talking, well except on here, but I don't count that much. No offense to anyone. Just me. Maybe a book, or a video game, or a movie. Being alone does not scare me. Not anymore.

There was a time I was afraid I would end up alone. Like when I was teenager. Since moving to Calgary, I have been alone most of my 15 years here. I have dealt with it.

Well, I usually clip them want I notice they are getting long. I really don't see a constant time frame between clipping. In fact, I clip different nails at different times. A good indicator for me is when the nails start to scratch me, that is a good time.