tilpacer

Hey Carrie,

To understand why I was angry you have to know why I was bummed out when we went to the movies a couple of weeks back. I wanted to tell this when I was at your house, but I kind of forgot about it. I wanted to tell you because I feel I have learn to be honest with you about my feeling if we were to have a relationship.

To understand why I was bummed out I have to take you back to the days before the Thanksgiving weekend. You were totally bummed that we didnt get to out that Friday and stated that 80-90% of the time you are alone.

Well, I sent you a message that I could work Thanksgiving Monday and in turn take the following Friday off. I could then spend that day with you. I then gave you some ideas about what we could do.

You responded that you lost my phone number. I thought this meant that you were interested in that idea and you wanted to give your input. I didnt get that message until the following morning. So, I sent back that I would phone you that night.

When I phoned, we talked about what we were doing for the weekend. I told you that I had to work on Monday in hopes to bring up the plan to spend the day with you on Friday. But that didnt happen.

Like a dummy, I went ahead and worked on Monday anyways in hopes that I could spend the day with you on Friday.

Tuesday, the CEO of my company came up from San Jose. He gave a speech about what the companys plans are and where we are going to take the company over the next 8 months. At the end of the speech he ask that we all had to step up in order for us to meet our goals. He was going to let what stepping up meant to each of us. If that meant longer hours, we had to define those hours were. He is a very inspiring person.

I kind of dropped hints all week that I Friday off, but I guess you didnt pick them up. But I kept up with my plan that I was going to take Friday off and try to spend it with you. Wednesday you gave me a message that the movie night was going to be that Friday. I still had hope that I could spend the day with you.

Friday morning, I wake up later than I usually do. I go check my messages. I find one from you saying, that you were going to bed and that I was to give you a call when you get home for work today. The time on the message was 6-ish in the morning. This kind of meant that I was not going to be spending the day with you. This was the start of me being bummed.

I was totally bummed out because I could have gone into work and did something. My company just asked me to help them out and I felt like I had abandoned them. I had let down my company. I just felt disappointed in myself.

When I went out with you and the others that night, listened to the conversation that was taking place and started to realize that I shouldnt be bummed out. I was trying to be passive about spending the day with you, and that might not work on you. Next time, I should just come out and ask you if you want to do some instead of doing something and hope you will accept. That is totally my bad.

I am going to leave an empty space here so that you can give me an electronic punch or something

AUTHORS NOTE: I am going to spare you to scroll through the empty space, it was like a page long

Are you done pounding on me? Good.

Now the next Friday my manger reminded us about the speech and asked what we are going to do to step up? I was reminded about that night and how I let my company down. I had to do something to make up for that. So decided that I would work 48 hours a week. Add a whole extra day to my work week.

The last week was the first week I was going to do put this 48 hour work week in to practice. I was going to do it by doing 10 hours for 4 days and 8 hours on Fridays.

There is a lot that happened during that week and I think I am going to tell you it journal style:

I was angry I missed the party. I really wanted to go to the party.

I was initially angry at my body because you told me that you got the date mixed up. I could have gone to a party on Saturday and that I fend off my sickness by then.

But when I went to work on Saturday, I started to realize that that is a stupid reason to be angry. Because what if I got sick one day later and the party was on Saturday, I still would have not gone, I would just be disappointed. Now, what if I knew the party was on Friday and I still got sick on the same day, I would just be disappointed that I didnt go. Why should I be angry about something that was just bad timing? I totally got over me being angry by the time I left work that day.

The fact of the matter is that I still really wanted to go to the party for many reasons:

I would have met some of you other friends. I like meeting new people and hear stories from them.

I really like Halloween, and Halloween parties. It is one of my top 5 parties:

Tils top 5 parties:

5. Birthday parties: there is always cake and party games.
4. New Years parties: a time for a new beginnings
3. Christmas parties: there are always presents
2. Halloween parties: dressing up is fun
1. Housewarming parties: new dig are always a great to break in with a party.

I really like Halloween. It is a time when everyone gets to dress up and be something that they are not. Something that want to be. People get to show off their bodies more on Halloween than any other night. People are not themselves. They dress up as they want to be not what they are.

There is also insight into peoples personalities as what they dress up as. Sometimes it is something that they are interested in, something that they like. It is a great time to learn about someone. They are at the most playful.

We all wear masks, Halloween is a time where we can exchange those masks and show something that is hidden bellow.

Plus there is always candy!

I felt disappointed because I was invited to something and I was not able to go. I feel like I totally missed out on something special that night. I hate being left out of something. That is why I usually walk at the back of a group when they walking I want to make sure that no one is left behind. You might have noticed that when went for the Movie night.

I think I have this feeling because when I was in grade 5, all the grade 5s and 6s went to this little inner city learning center. It was more like a camp of sorts. We spent two night and three days there.

One night we were supposed to go for a bike ride. Before we left the instructor asked that we were going to need a sweep. Some one at the back that makes sure that none of us gets left behind. On girl said she would do it.

We were riding on the bikes with hand breaks and I didnt know how to operate one of those, I was used to the bmx pedal brakes. I was going really slow so I could figure out how the brakes works and so that I wouldnt flip over the handle bars.

I fell to the back of the pack and was going really slowly. The girl at the back yelled at me with hurry up and not being encouraging to my inexperience. We started to lose the others and she just the hell with you I am catching up with the group. I started to pedal faster but she just took off. I know they turned a corner and when I did, I lost them. I was left behind.

I couldnt find them, so I went back to the center on my own. I waited for the other to come back. When they did, the instructor yelled at me for coming back on my own and not staying close to the others. Jerk. I made a promise right then and there that I would never let anybody be left behind. If it meant that the rest of the group was lost, I didnt care. No one was going to be left on there own when I am there.

That also reminds me, the following year on the bike ride thing. I had gotten better with hand brakes and confident to keep up with the others. We were going down this hill and it was all wet and I applied some pressure on my brake so slow myself down. I guess I applied too much pressure to the front one because I flipped over the handlebars. I was luckily wearing a helmet. I slid down this paved hill and I remember my head bouncing on the ground. I also banged my knee pretty bad and had scrapped it.

Again the instructor took off ahead and one of my classmates had to chase here down to stop her. She didnt know that most of the class was way back there and waiting for her to come back and do something.

I got the first aid I needed. Just some band-aids and iodine. I broke the bike pretty bad too.

But I am getting way off topic.

I was also disappointed that I didnt get to see you at the party. I know I was going to let you down by not being there. You are an important person in my life and I dont feel great when I disappoint. I might even say you are the greatest thing that happened to me since I moved here.

I also needed to get this some relief from this hectic week full of stress. I am working 48 hours a week now, and I have to make all the things that are important to me into my life.

The way I see it I have 4 factors that I need to fit into my life right now:

1. I have you, Jerry, Mary and others. My support group, my stress relievers. The people I care about.

2. I have my work. I am going up to 48 hours a week.

3. I have a house to look for. A place of my own.

4. I have to work on my next promotion at work. This will take a long time and I have do it on my own. I think Jerry might want to hear what I have to do.

So, I dont want to cut 1 out of my life. You guy are very important to me. I guys keep me sane, you guys keep me happy. Especially you. I need you guys to be there for me.

I cant cut 2 out because I need money. I made a promise to work 48 a week and I am going to stick with it. When I make a promise I keep it.

I have to do 3 because it means more freedom on my part. I need a place of my own. I want to get on with my life. I dont want to rely on my parents forever.

I have tons of pressure at work to do 4. I dont know what I am going to do with this. It will mean more money for me, but I am totally scared about it. And it will take a load of time to complete. Time that I cant dont seem to have.

Thanks for listening to my rants. I really needed to get this off my chest.

Sincerely,

Til