This is something I wrote on 26 February but never posted on MySpace. I'm not sure I want my nearest and dearest to hear it, they'll only take it personally, but it needs to be got out, so, here goes...
"What a weird weekend. Went for a Chinese with my dad on Thursday as a joint birthday do, had a few drinks then caught up with Lee and went on a bit of an all night mission.
Thing is, my aunt Rou was having a clairvoyant over to her house that night and I'd said I'd go out of curiosity, I believe that it happens and that the dead still keep an eye on their loved ones, I'm just a little sceptical of the individuals, they could be like te one out of "Ghost" and making it all up!
So I've had a few drinks (about 6) with my dad, I've mooched round town looking at pretty things, gone and sat in Goblets with a magazine and chilled out to wait for Lee to come back out. I've thought about it and decided I'm really not in the mood for someone I don't know to start telling me details about my life and which ones of my dead relatives are looking after me. I know my Mum is, she used to check up on any male friend of mine that stayed at mine when I lived at home! Dave'll testify! I texed Rou and said this, then about 8 I get a phonecall from Tracy (my cousin) "where are you, you haven't forgotten have you?" panic panic panic.
I repeated what I'd told Rou and she said "are you sure you're not making excuses?" No, I'm giving you a damn good reason, I don't fancy talking to the dead tonight, Okay?!
So anyway, the night carries on, Rob popped out for a few, me and Lee got very, very drunk and I crashed at his. Went to bed about 7am and got home about 5.30 that evening. Had about 68,000 messages from Maudie "where are you, are you okay, why aren't you at home" relayed to me by Gemsy who is laughing her arse off at it all. Got lovely pressies from Gemsy (clippykit binder & pencil case, full of photos and birthday Cheese & biscuits) & Steve (some multicoloured glasses from the Pier and some smellies from Lush).
Phoned Maudie back and got the Nth degree, where was I, who was I with, where did I stay, how did I get home etc etc. Finally got her off the phone by which time the slightly sicky feeling has given way to a full on out of body experience of a hangover, where you know you should be in pain, but you've risen above and just feel numb.
Saturday did bugger all, ate, watched TV, that sort of thing.
Sunday, headed over to Rou's for Sunday roast with the family. Bussed it over to Totton so I could have more than a glass of wine without it being snatched away from me as I was driving. And got the lowdown on this clairvoyant woman. Apparently she was pretty accurate. Told Rou and Tracy that a member of the family hadn't come along that night (me) but that their mum was looking out for them (I know this already) and was trying to get them to "calm down" but that this person "isn't listening". Then they mentioned that this spirit was never a person to listen to advice when they were alive and we all had a laugh about how like my mum that was.
The rest of the conversation went a bit like this:
Me: Can I have her number? I still want the reading done and I know a couple of my mates would love it done too
Tracy: I don't think it's the sort of thing you should have done in a party atmosphere
Me: I don't mean a party, I meant Gemsy, maybe Jeannie, Jax, Steve
Tracy: It's pretty intense. You should be around family.
Me: ..
Rou: I think you'd find it really good
Me: Exactly
Tracy: When she told me that I had those people looking out for me I felt really, well, I never feel alone anymore, when the kids are playing up, I don't feel like I'm coping on my own. So when you hear that little voice
Rou (to me): You've always believed that anyway though, haven't you
Me: YES
Tracy: But really listen it's like
Me (resisting urge to slap her): Anyway, so what you been up to?.
Further proof that Tracy does mean well but also has absolutely no idea about the workings of my head. They seem to think my "mental health issues" are solely down to not being able to say goodbye to my mum. It's not. It's from being shut out of what was happening, and having to deal with the fallout afterwards when everyone else had some kind of warning and there's me, 8 years old, truly believing that if I prayed hard enough she'd get better and when she didn't I thought it was my fault some how and that I had to make up for it by being the strong one, who didn't cry and held it together for everyone else. I've no idea what I'm typing here, it's just falling out and I can hardly see the keyboard 'cause I'm crying so hard and I never wanted to be sheltered from it all, I wanted to know what was going on and that's why I can't stand people assuming they know whats good for me. I want to find it out, and just be let to discover these things like alcohol doesn't make it go away. And as for this listen to the little voice thing, that's my fucking problem, I did listen to the voices. The good one, my mum, saying you're doing fine, I'm proud of you and wishing everyone else would say the same thing instead of wondering whether I'm proper mental and an alcoholic and doing every drug on the planet and fucking everything that moves, and the bad on I listened to more, saying you're shit, you'll never amount to anything, no one will ever love you, your mum died and its your fault no one trusts a word you say, they all think you're worthless, if they assume you've done all this, you'll never prove them wrong, their opinion of you can't go down any further so stop trying to prove you're worth better than that and just do it all.
Jesus I just read that back. I sound like a right nutjob! But I feel really calm now. Never actually realised all that needed to come out. Still have a point though, that nasty little voice does break out occasionally.
Just have to remember that the best words of advice a girl can ever hear is from her good old Mummy."
There. Welcome to my fucked up head.
"What a weird weekend. Went for a Chinese with my dad on Thursday as a joint birthday do, had a few drinks then caught up with Lee and went on a bit of an all night mission.
Thing is, my aunt Rou was having a clairvoyant over to her house that night and I'd said I'd go out of curiosity, I believe that it happens and that the dead still keep an eye on their loved ones, I'm just a little sceptical of the individuals, they could be like te one out of "Ghost" and making it all up!
So I've had a few drinks (about 6) with my dad, I've mooched round town looking at pretty things, gone and sat in Goblets with a magazine and chilled out to wait for Lee to come back out. I've thought about it and decided I'm really not in the mood for someone I don't know to start telling me details about my life and which ones of my dead relatives are looking after me. I know my Mum is, she used to check up on any male friend of mine that stayed at mine when I lived at home! Dave'll testify! I texed Rou and said this, then about 8 I get a phonecall from Tracy (my cousin) "where are you, you haven't forgotten have you?" panic panic panic.
I repeated what I'd told Rou and she said "are you sure you're not making excuses?" No, I'm giving you a damn good reason, I don't fancy talking to the dead tonight, Okay?!
So anyway, the night carries on, Rob popped out for a few, me and Lee got very, very drunk and I crashed at his. Went to bed about 7am and got home about 5.30 that evening. Had about 68,000 messages from Maudie "where are you, are you okay, why aren't you at home" relayed to me by Gemsy who is laughing her arse off at it all. Got lovely pressies from Gemsy (clippykit binder & pencil case, full of photos and birthday Cheese & biscuits) & Steve (some multicoloured glasses from the Pier and some smellies from Lush).
Phoned Maudie back and got the Nth degree, where was I, who was I with, where did I stay, how did I get home etc etc. Finally got her off the phone by which time the slightly sicky feeling has given way to a full on out of body experience of a hangover, where you know you should be in pain, but you've risen above and just feel numb.
Saturday did bugger all, ate, watched TV, that sort of thing.
Sunday, headed over to Rou's for Sunday roast with the family. Bussed it over to Totton so I could have more than a glass of wine without it being snatched away from me as I was driving. And got the lowdown on this clairvoyant woman. Apparently she was pretty accurate. Told Rou and Tracy that a member of the family hadn't come along that night (me) but that their mum was looking out for them (I know this already) and was trying to get them to "calm down" but that this person "isn't listening". Then they mentioned that this spirit was never a person to listen to advice when they were alive and we all had a laugh about how like my mum that was.
The rest of the conversation went a bit like this:
Me: Can I have her number? I still want the reading done and I know a couple of my mates would love it done too
Tracy: I don't think it's the sort of thing you should have done in a party atmosphere
Me: I don't mean a party, I meant Gemsy, maybe Jeannie, Jax, Steve
Tracy: It's pretty intense. You should be around family.
Me: ..
Rou: I think you'd find it really good
Me: Exactly
Tracy: When she told me that I had those people looking out for me I felt really, well, I never feel alone anymore, when the kids are playing up, I don't feel like I'm coping on my own. So when you hear that little voice
Rou (to me): You've always believed that anyway though, haven't you
Me: YES
Tracy: But really listen it's like
Me (resisting urge to slap her): Anyway, so what you been up to?.
Further proof that Tracy does mean well but also has absolutely no idea about the workings of my head. They seem to think my "mental health issues" are solely down to not being able to say goodbye to my mum. It's not. It's from being shut out of what was happening, and having to deal with the fallout afterwards when everyone else had some kind of warning and there's me, 8 years old, truly believing that if I prayed hard enough she'd get better and when she didn't I thought it was my fault some how and that I had to make up for it by being the strong one, who didn't cry and held it together for everyone else. I've no idea what I'm typing here, it's just falling out and I can hardly see the keyboard 'cause I'm crying so hard and I never wanted to be sheltered from it all, I wanted to know what was going on and that's why I can't stand people assuming they know whats good for me. I want to find it out, and just be let to discover these things like alcohol doesn't make it go away. And as for this listen to the little voice thing, that's my fucking problem, I did listen to the voices. The good one, my mum, saying you're doing fine, I'm proud of you and wishing everyone else would say the same thing instead of wondering whether I'm proper mental and an alcoholic and doing every drug on the planet and fucking everything that moves, and the bad on I listened to more, saying you're shit, you'll never amount to anything, no one will ever love you, your mum died and its your fault no one trusts a word you say, they all think you're worthless, if they assume you've done all this, you'll never prove them wrong, their opinion of you can't go down any further so stop trying to prove you're worth better than that and just do it all.
Jesus I just read that back. I sound like a right nutjob! But I feel really calm now. Never actually realised all that needed to come out. Still have a point though, that nasty little voice does break out occasionally.
Just have to remember that the best words of advice a girl can ever hear is from her good old Mummy."
There. Welcome to my fucked up head.