tigersaint

the thirty-first night:

tonight, i wrapped extension cords around my ankles, and my knees. i circled them tightly around my thighs and i pulled them around my waist and breasts.

then, i began with the bandages. i wrapped them around my feet and legs until i was mummy-wrapped tight, until i could feel the cords digging into my skin. then i did the same to my hips, waist, and chest, until my large breasts were nearly flat, the cords and the bandages making me breathe shallowly.

as i closed myself in the gauzy white my heart beat fast, my cheeks were flush, my eyes were glassy.

i wrapped bandages up and around my arms. i wrapped them around my throat, my face, covering my mouth and my eyes. i left a small slit for me to breathe through, but everything was black.

i laid on my floor in my room with the door locked and the lights out. i thought about the past year and everything that has marked me with unexpected scars. i laid there, motionless but seething on the inside, until i could feel myself calm down, until my heart-sickness was coming through my skin and bleeding my bandages through.

i waited until i couldn't feel anything anymore, until i could pretend that i didn't even remember my name.

when i peeled away the cords and bandages there were marks on my legs and the bandages were wet with tears.

i can feel myself changing and it's like the ache in my legs when i was a teenager and going through growing pains.

i am excited. and i am terrified.