tigerlily

i feel opened like a can of sardines....my defenses peeled back, exposing soft, oily, salty tenderness. such deep healing this last week, these last few days.

dov is moving out...a perfect situation landed in his lap. and so here's the end of this chapter, of these last 8 months of challenge, adversity, anxiety, softening and love. there's been many teary conversations and expressions of deep friendship and commitment and honesty and baring all. he doesn't want to go, and on so many levels i don't want him to either. but we both know it's for the best. we need to move on. i said, "i'm just so happy that we've come this far, that we're still best friends." and his response was, "yeah, and i think this will make our friendship even better, even easier."

there's a lot of grief involved, but as i've done so much these past months, i'm just holding it, cupped like a baby bird in my hands, in front of my heart.

but the tenderness turned into wounding yesterday, when i overheard one of my housemates talking smak about me behind my back, to dov...who, despite the fact that we're not intimate lovers anymore, still considers me his confidant, and who never EVER lies to me. this housemate was going off about how she doesn't want to live with me once dov is gone, because she just has too many issues with me. word to the wise...don't badmouth people when they're in the bathroom, and you're standing in the hallway outside the bathroom. and it's probably not a good idea either to badmouth someone to their best friend.

let me give you some background here. this housemate of mine and i have had tension in the past. for what reason, i'm really not sure. i know she feels threatned by me, but i'm also not clear on why. if you know me, you know i'm pretty UNthreatening. we had a blowout a year ago, but it cleared the air, and since then, i've felt things were fine. i still have a hard time with her, because she's phenomenally self-absorbed, and behaves very inconsiderately in the house (e.g. inviting drunk people over at 4am on a weeknight and standing outside my door laughing and stomping around, on a regular basis, after being asked NOT to). but i try to give her space to go through her own shit, and to not take her inability to see outside her own little world personally. i'm totally holding back here on ranting, because i could give you one HELL of a laundry list.

but what gets me the most, is for months now, i've been totally pro-active in improving our relationship. to the point of being very very vulnerable with her, letting her know i see her strong points, requesting her friendship, giving her props for her ability to navigate social parties...and letting her talk my ear off for hours ad naseum, while i tried to give good counsel. as a matter of fact, we had one of these marathon sessions last week. just this week, i've engaged her and congratulated her on the completion of her new album and acquisition of a new studio space.

so to hear her going off on me, when i thought everything was on the up and up, IN FRONT of someone that things are tender with already, feels like a big stab in the back. especially since i have been trying so desperately hard to get through this time with as much grace, gentleness and love as i can...staying open to my pain, dov's pain, and instead of making him wrong, or myself wrong, just daring to see what happens when i can hold sorrow and joy at the same time. it's been fucking breaking my back, but i think i've grown more in the last few months than i have in years.

one thing i CAN say tho, is i no longer feel in ANY way responsible for the tension between my housemate and i. because i know i've been coming from an open honest place, and i've acted towards her with integrity. if she's got a problem...that's just it...IT'S HER FUCKING PROBLEM.

i'm going to confront her today. i'm very tempted to sling shit, because there's so much i could say...i could rip her 3 new assholes. but this just is not the place i've been coming from, and i don't want to drag myself down, close myself off. so i'm trying to take inspiration from this story. (maybe i'm crazy and i should just let it rip...but i've got this addiction to trying to GROW)

here's the story:

during a hiatus between meditation retreats a man was walking the streets of benares when he was approached by a beggar who said quite insistently, 'give me money1' to which our friend replied, 'i would if i could but i have none, friend.' bowing slightly, he continued on his way. but the beggar would not let him take more than a stepo befgore he pulled again on his sleeve demeanding once more, 'give me money! give me money!' to which the man replied, looking softly into the beggar's eyes, 'i would give if i could, but i have no money,' and shook an empty pocket to display his sincerity. as he continued slowly on his way, the beggar reappeared in front of him and insisted once more, 'give me money1' to which our friend, soft of belly and open of heart, gently replied that it would give him great pleasure to share what he had, but all he had left after six months of meditating in india was his heart. and that he wished greatly for this man's well being. the beggar, silent for a moment, looked deeply into his eyes, relaxed his hold on his sleeve, smiled and whispered softly to him,'when you see god in everyone, everyone will see god in you,' and disappeared into the crowd.