ha! well, i told you all to get off my case after that last journal entry, and then no one left a post! 
so here's an honest to goodness no bullshit update on my life. i'm gonna spill all the beans. you ready?
my living situation: you know, for that old adage, "the only thing you can count on in life is change", this current situation has the fucking shelf life of a twinkie. yes, i'm still living with my ex boyfriend. yes, it's still hard. not as ohmygodmyheartisgettingrippedouttwentietimesaday hard like it was, but still challenging. yesterday i woke up and 1/2 laughed, 1/2 cried with the thought, "woo hoo! it's another day in hell!" that's a pretty negative statement, but really for the most part i've been phenomenally positive for the last couple of months. really had some great insight after a vibrational sound healing
from my ukranian friend olja. about the part negative thinking and self-negating thoughts play in depression, and how nipping those thoughts in the bud are key to staying afloat. becoming very aware of how i can use my mind and my thoughts to create my world and my choices. not a big news flash, but just understanding it on a newer, deeper level.
but despite my herculean efforts to stay positive, be proactive, be compassionate, extend myself and stay open...not a goddamn thing has changed. granted, i don't feel like tossing myself off the golden gate anymore, but the better/different SHIFT has just not happened. i'm still faced, on a daily basis, with this giant brick wall of indifference and apathy from my ex, and no matter how much of a warrior i might be...it still effing hurts. yes, i am looking for a new place. i've been looking vigilantly for 3 months now. no cigar. nothing in my price range that takes dogs and is equivalent to the home i would be leaving. the newest compormise solution is for me to move in with my boss in marin, doing childcare in exchange for rent. i would sublet my room in my current home to one of my best friends, on the condition that when i come back in the fall, my ex will have moved out. he's agreed to this, but now it looks like moving in with my boss may not pan out.
all i really want, is some acknowledgement on the part of my ex that i'm a fucking trooper for having faced all this hard shit with so much courage and open-ness, creating a workable situation for us BOTH. i would like to feel respected and that the love i have worked to maintain between us as friends is returned. apparently, it's too much to ask. if we didn't live together anymore, i'd be in a much different place with this. but there's only so much healing i can do while still sharing space with him. it's just abnormal for two people to NOT seperate after a break up. the shittiest part of all this, is that my ex doesn't think i should be having a hard time at all. doesn't understand why i think one of us moving out is important. he thinks i should just be over it. after all, he is. "why, i had two friends who lived in the same room with me for months after they broke up and it was fine. or at least, so and so ACTED like it was fine." you know what i said to that?
"well, i already feel like i have to be inauthentic in so many other relationships in my life, and i really don't want to add another layer of FAKING IT onto the relationships with the people i live with." fuck you.
what am i going to be when i grow up?: getting a little more clear on this everyday, but the biggest realization i've had lately, is that my true desire is to live a life of simplicity. it's the biggest reason why i just can't spend the $60,000 to go to grad school...if i have that much debt, i'll never be able to lead a simple life again. i don't need a lot of fancy expensive shit and technological gadgets. what i do need is enough income to take care of my needs: new contacts, veterinarian visits, car work, taxes, etc. but i don't need to be making much more than i am now to make it all happen. the most important thing to me is that i have enough time to enjoy life...to play, to walk on the beach, to do artwork, to spend time cooking, to watch movies, to be with friends, to love, to contemplate and live a mindful life. i've had a tremendous amount of guilt instilled in me by my father, who from a very early age made it clear that i had a good mind, AND I HAD BETTER USE IT. i couldn't dare to do somethiing beneath me, like working as a waitress. i was going to college, getting a good education, and i was going to use it. you know, i've got that college education...but what did i choose to study? THEATRE ARTS. because i wanted a simple creative life, and theatre seemed a good avenue into that. the opportunity to focus my time on understanding the human condition.
i've never known what i wanted to be when i grew up...I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. i just want to be. i just want to live. i have very little ambition. my big dreams consist of having a functional loving life partner relationship. raising a child. working with animals. creating art. being in community. loveloveloving. the biggest piece for me now to figure out, is how to create right livelihood. how to create work that contributes to awakening consciousness in others, so as to heal our global community, our earth. work that leaves me with a sense of pride and accomplishment. again, it doesn't have to be grandiose...i felt it when i was teaching. it just needs to be a step up from babysitting.
but first and foremost, it's such a relief to take the pressure off...to finally know that it's ok to want this simple life, and it doesn't lessen my worth if i do.
well. that's not the full update, but this is one long ass journal entry, so i'll let you digest that, and continue with the next one.
so here's an honest to goodness no bullshit update on my life. i'm gonna spill all the beans. you ready?
my living situation: you know, for that old adage, "the only thing you can count on in life is change", this current situation has the fucking shelf life of a twinkie. yes, i'm still living with my ex boyfriend. yes, it's still hard. not as ohmygodmyheartisgettingrippedouttwentietimesaday hard like it was, but still challenging. yesterday i woke up and 1/2 laughed, 1/2 cried with the thought, "woo hoo! it's another day in hell!" that's a pretty negative statement, but really for the most part i've been phenomenally positive for the last couple of months. really had some great insight after a vibrational sound healing
from my ukranian friend olja. about the part negative thinking and self-negating thoughts play in depression, and how nipping those thoughts in the bud are key to staying afloat. becoming very aware of how i can use my mind and my thoughts to create my world and my choices. not a big news flash, but just understanding it on a newer, deeper level.
but despite my herculean efforts to stay positive, be proactive, be compassionate, extend myself and stay open...not a goddamn thing has changed. granted, i don't feel like tossing myself off the golden gate anymore, but the better/different SHIFT has just not happened. i'm still faced, on a daily basis, with this giant brick wall of indifference and apathy from my ex, and no matter how much of a warrior i might be...it still effing hurts. yes, i am looking for a new place. i've been looking vigilantly for 3 months now. no cigar. nothing in my price range that takes dogs and is equivalent to the home i would be leaving. the newest compormise solution is for me to move in with my boss in marin, doing childcare in exchange for rent. i would sublet my room in my current home to one of my best friends, on the condition that when i come back in the fall, my ex will have moved out. he's agreed to this, but now it looks like moving in with my boss may not pan out.
all i really want, is some acknowledgement on the part of my ex that i'm a fucking trooper for having faced all this hard shit with so much courage and open-ness, creating a workable situation for us BOTH. i would like to feel respected and that the love i have worked to maintain between us as friends is returned. apparently, it's too much to ask. if we didn't live together anymore, i'd be in a much different place with this. but there's only so much healing i can do while still sharing space with him. it's just abnormal for two people to NOT seperate after a break up. the shittiest part of all this, is that my ex doesn't think i should be having a hard time at all. doesn't understand why i think one of us moving out is important. he thinks i should just be over it. after all, he is. "why, i had two friends who lived in the same room with me for months after they broke up and it was fine. or at least, so and so ACTED like it was fine." you know what i said to that?
"well, i already feel like i have to be inauthentic in so many other relationships in my life, and i really don't want to add another layer of FAKING IT onto the relationships with the people i live with." fuck you.
what am i going to be when i grow up?: getting a little more clear on this everyday, but the biggest realization i've had lately, is that my true desire is to live a life of simplicity. it's the biggest reason why i just can't spend the $60,000 to go to grad school...if i have that much debt, i'll never be able to lead a simple life again. i don't need a lot of fancy expensive shit and technological gadgets. what i do need is enough income to take care of my needs: new contacts, veterinarian visits, car work, taxes, etc. but i don't need to be making much more than i am now to make it all happen. the most important thing to me is that i have enough time to enjoy life...to play, to walk on the beach, to do artwork, to spend time cooking, to watch movies, to be with friends, to love, to contemplate and live a mindful life. i've had a tremendous amount of guilt instilled in me by my father, who from a very early age made it clear that i had a good mind, AND I HAD BETTER USE IT. i couldn't dare to do somethiing beneath me, like working as a waitress. i was going to college, getting a good education, and i was going to use it. you know, i've got that college education...but what did i choose to study? THEATRE ARTS. because i wanted a simple creative life, and theatre seemed a good avenue into that. the opportunity to focus my time on understanding the human condition.
i've never known what i wanted to be when i grew up...I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. i just want to be. i just want to live. i have very little ambition. my big dreams consist of having a functional loving life partner relationship. raising a child. working with animals. creating art. being in community. loveloveloving. the biggest piece for me now to figure out, is how to create right livelihood. how to create work that contributes to awakening consciousness in others, so as to heal our global community, our earth. work that leaves me with a sense of pride and accomplishment. again, it doesn't have to be grandiose...i felt it when i was teaching. it just needs to be a step up from babysitting.
but first and foremost, it's such a relief to take the pressure off...to finally know that it's ok to want this simple life, and it doesn't lessen my worth if i do.
well. that's not the full update, but this is one long ass journal entry, so i'll let you digest that, and continue with the next one.
VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
I went through a similiar situation recently.
moved in with my boyfriend(he asked me to move in), he broke up with me a month late, the next day i immediately found a sublet that was to start in three weeks. so i had to sleep on the couch until then and put up with the humilation BUT one week into it- he brought a girl over. a girl he was dating. while I was still living there. it was one of the meanest things anyone has ever done to me. and when I confronted him- he said he didnt owe me anything and that he could have kicked me out the very day he broke up with me. charming right?
I really hope your situation takes a turn around. Im sending you happy karma (whatever that means.) since Ive recently felt the pain, I wish there was something I could do. My friends offered me their couch to sleep on when i left- without that i would have been completely lost. i would offer you a couch to sleep on if you lived near me. even though you would probally be like- umm. i dont know you so no thanks.
good luck. youre awesome and I hope you find something soon.
<3