tigerlily

monday edit: oh my god! it's the attack of the giant head!

aw...as much as that old profile pic made me cringe, with it's bad lighting and arm pit hair and otherwise unglamourousness...it really did show a side of me that i liked. and i'm surprised to find myself a bit sad to see it go. this new one will do for now...and i'll try to take a pic sometime soon that is more in my element. outdoors, cocky, and unveiling that side of me that only emerges in nature. in the meantime, enjoy the head.

hello my lovelies. this entry is bound to be a little disjointed...i'll have a narrative for you soon...

first off, a thank you and an apology. thank you thank you thank you, to EVERYONE who commented on my last set. SG has become fun for me again, as it was when i first went up in 2003. the amount of love and kudos and "hooray for yous" that i received was overwhelming and so appreciated! this new set was shot on a magical day, with magical girls, and my heart was open and the vision was my beloved. i think it shows.

here's the apology...i was going to write everyone back, but due to the assload of comments, and the slowness of my computer (it takes me one hour to get through one page, and there are 36+ pages of comments!) i just can't do it. same goes with those of you who responded to my set through my journal. SO. please don't take it personally if you didn't hear back from me, and know that i genuinely received and enjoyed everything you had to say. it means so much...and keep up the correspondence, now that the dust has settled.

in regards to my last little journal entry...wow...you folks don't let me get away with anything! of course i agree with all of you...it was just in that moment i couldn't be any bigger than to say i wanted to erase it all.

here are some of my favorite quotes from you in regard to the last entry,,,

of course, i like the challenging stuff!

the everyday wonder and preciousness of our lives exists only because we know we will end one day

i'm worried they might remove the wrong memory

and here's a quote from a new book i'm reading by john welwood, psychotherapist and buddhist practitioner.

Yet even though the human heart is a channel through which great love streams into this world, this heart channel is usually clogged with debris--fearful, defensive patterns that have developed out of not knowing we are truly loved. As a result, love's natural openness, which we can taste in brief, blissful moments of pure connection with another person, rarely permeates our relationships completely. Indeed, the more two people open to each other, the more this wide-opnness also brings to the surface all the obstacles to it: their deepest, darkest wounds, their desperation and mistrust, and their rawest emotional trigger-points. Just as the sun's warmth causes clouds to arise by prompting the earth to release it's moisture, so love's pure openness activates the thick clouds of our emotional wounding, the tight places where we are shut down, where we live in fear and resist love.

There is good reason why this happens: Before we can become a clear channel through which love can freely flow, the ways we are wounded must come to the surface and be exposed. Love as a healing power can operate only on what presents itself to be healed. As long as our wounding remains hidden, it can only fester.

This then is relative love: the sunlight of absolute love as it becomes filtered through the clouds of our conditioned personality and its defensive patterns--fearfulness, distrust, reactivity, dishonesty, aggression and distorted perception. Relative love is incomplete, inconstant and imperfect. It is a continual play of light and shadow.

pretty airy fairy, yeah? i can hear you groaning, if you've read this far. this guy really gets it though...more than any other author i've read. it's hard to read him out of context.

do me a favor. next time someone is speaking their truth to you, don't assume you know what they mean. "oh yeah...i know exactly what you're talking about"...sometimes you do...but don't be afraid to say, "i think i know what you mean...but tell me more...". give your friend that opening to let their fullness come out. leave out the interpretation that might put them in a box that is too small. i think one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is to hold space for the fullness of our deepest selves to surface.

OK! who's in grad school for counseling psychology? raise your hand! right. enough of the psycho babble.

speaking of which...i have a midterm today on the DSM. that folks, is the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders as decided by the american psychiatric association. i find it to be like the bible of archetypes or tarot figures from the most unimaginative organization in western society. but taken as such, it's quite interesting. can you tell me the diagnostic difference between schizophreniform disorder and schizotypal personality disorder?

still haven't heard back about miss exotic world. keep crossing those fingers!

can anyone teach me how to play the washboard?

in my dreams, i am walking along the road where i grew up, and all the wildflowers are in orgasmic bloom. all my favorites, even the ones that grow here in the bay area, and aren't native to shasta county. like the little owl's clover...where each individual blossom looks like a small perching mischievous owl. after such a dream the other morning, leo and i stumbled out of the house, piled ourselves in the truck, and, after stopping at my favorite bakery to buy coffee and gougeres, we headed north over the golden gate. on the way out my dear friend olga called. "come with me!" i admonished, "i'm going to check to see if the wildflowers are up!" she gleefully agreed, and we drove the quick skip and a jump to fort baker, to walk up on battery yates, overlooking the bay, and home to one of the best populations of native wildflowers in the area.

*sigh* only the goldfields had started to emerge. but at least now i know, and next week i'm convinced there will be more. unless this freakish cold snap is keeping them all a snooze.



also in my dreams, i am lifted by thousands of bees, their wings vibrating all over my body, and i am flown across the arizona desert, the pulsating earth rising up to greet me from below.