My dad is going in for a knee replacement tomorrow. This wasn't supposed to happen yet. But he was in so much pain and a spot opened up.
And I am so scared.
I mean, aside from the normal scariness of a loved one going under the knife.
He has been in pain for so long, and he is so damn crippled, that he has thought of killing himself. And I am scared that if he sinks under, he'll never want to wake back up. He has severe depression and bipolar disorder (manic depression). He refuses to get treatment for that. We had to trick him to get him on Zoloft, and he's been better since then. But he is still tired of being in pain. He is immune to most painkillers and tying to boost them with fifths of vodka created the alcoholic in him. And he admits that he has that disease, and he hates himself for saddling my mom with a drunk. He tries to go sober, but the pain will become to great and he will slide back into that rut. And he hates himself for that, for not being able to control, for being weak.
On top of that, he has other physical problems that can complicate surgery. He has high-blood pressure, heart problems, severe acid reflux (and his esophagus is eroded), plus they think he has prostate cancer.
He has said to me that sometimes is would just be easier to let go. But he doesn't want to leave Mom and I on our own. I pray that that is enough to get him through this.
I love my daddy so much. He is one of my four best friends, and one of 2 people I know who would die to protect me. I can't imagine losing him. My parents are my best friends in this entire world, and I would be lost without either of them.
I am trying not to think of all this. It is hard when you are alone and have nothing to take your mind off it all. I am just going to have to leave this in the hands of fate. But fate can be a fickle and cruel lady. So, this is me sending a prayer to God, Odin, Allah, Buddah, Nature, Zeus, and any one else out there:
Keep my daddy safe and healthy please. Let him survive this surgery. Let him live many more happy years with us, and let this surgery alleviate his pain. Watch over him and my mom. Thank you.
And I am so scared.
I mean, aside from the normal scariness of a loved one going under the knife.
He has been in pain for so long, and he is so damn crippled, that he has thought of killing himself. And I am scared that if he sinks under, he'll never want to wake back up. He has severe depression and bipolar disorder (manic depression). He refuses to get treatment for that. We had to trick him to get him on Zoloft, and he's been better since then. But he is still tired of being in pain. He is immune to most painkillers and tying to boost them with fifths of vodka created the alcoholic in him. And he admits that he has that disease, and he hates himself for saddling my mom with a drunk. He tries to go sober, but the pain will become to great and he will slide back into that rut. And he hates himself for that, for not being able to control, for being weak.
On top of that, he has other physical problems that can complicate surgery. He has high-blood pressure, heart problems, severe acid reflux (and his esophagus is eroded), plus they think he has prostate cancer.
He has said to me that sometimes is would just be easier to let go. But he doesn't want to leave Mom and I on our own. I pray that that is enough to get him through this.
I love my daddy so much. He is one of my four best friends, and one of 2 people I know who would die to protect me. I can't imagine losing him. My parents are my best friends in this entire world, and I would be lost without either of them.
I am trying not to think of all this. It is hard when you are alone and have nothing to take your mind off it all. I am just going to have to leave this in the hands of fate. But fate can be a fickle and cruel lady. So, this is me sending a prayer to God, Odin, Allah, Buddah, Nature, Zeus, and any one else out there:
Keep my daddy safe and healthy please. Let him survive this surgery. Let him live many more happy years with us, and let this surgery alleviate his pain. Watch over him and my mom. Thank you.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
jujubee:
heh, get it in the end..... 
xwingsofleadx:
sorry to hear about your dad. i did want to say though i love looking at your pics from the area cause i used to live in salinas and you used to go to monterey,seaside, carmel and pacific grove and i miss it soo much. soo i want to say TTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU 