tictactoogirl

Have you ever wanted to not be you? Have you ever hated your life so bad that you wanted to die just so you can start new? I hate who I am. I hate how I live. I hate my past. I hate my decisions. I hate my mistakes. I hate my future. I hate the way I look. I hate where I am. I just hate myself. I mean, I thought I could start new when I went to college. I was gonna wear hot punk outfits, make this image for myself. But I fell back into my tee shirt-and-jeans outfit. Now I'm just like everyone else. I just want to stop everything. I want to trade this life in for a new one. New name, new future, new past, new body. I just can't stand being me any more. I'm sick of myself. I can't do anything right. Everyones mad at me all the time. I have no life. I can't drive. I don't have a job. I have no friends. I can't change my future. I don't want to go into the law field. But I'm too far into school to change my mind. I hate the school I go to. I want to be popular. I want to be cool. I just don't want to be me any more. I want to be Frankie from The Real World:San Diego. She's cool. She has a kick ass life. She has a kick ass boyfriend. She can make decisions for herself. And she's hot as hell! I just want to custom-make my life. Choose what I look like, choose my past mistakes, choose my life, choose how my future will be. Just start anew. I don't want to be me any more. Seriously, I hate myself. I mean, just sitting here, I'm miserable. And I can't talk to Dustin about this cuz he takes it personally. He thinks I'm bored with him. I'm just bored with my life in general. I'm not bored with the people in my life. I just want a change. I want a major change. Even if it's something stupid like a job...or a license...or a car. Or even if it's something shallow like, a new hair color, a new wardrobe, or even having long hair. I want a new body. I can't lose weight. I've been watching my diet, but I don't have the motivation to exercise. I'm fat. I hate it. I can't change it. I try, I really do, but my weight doesn't change. I'm not looking to be supermodel thin, just back down to the 120 I was last summer. I mean, I was in a size 9! That even fuckin made my happy. Yea, so I'm shallow. But if thats what it would take to make me happy, why can't I have it. If I could go on, like, The Swan, and be totally made over...look like a totally different person, I'd be happy. I just want to be someone else. I want to move somewhere and have no past. Make up a name, start anew. And this time not fuck everything up. Every time I try to start a new life, I fuck up majorly. I tried to change my "look" when I was a freshman in high school. Worked for a little bit, but then it fizzled out and I was friends with the losers that I knew from middle school. Then I tried to change my senior year, you know, rule the school. But my history haunted me. I couldn't change. So college gave me hope. For the first few months, I did my hair, wore dark eyeliner. I was punkin' out. But then I got lazy and I just wore sweats to class. I was no longer punkin'. I guess that's why I get tattoos and piercings, to try to change my body and my life. But it doesn't change. I mean, I'm already sick of the heart on my back. But I can't get it removed. I have physical and emotional scars of my life. I mean, hating myself is why I tried to kill myself in high school. I just wanted everything to end. Everyone thought I was worthless. And when everyone else feels that way about you, what makes you think that your not what they think you are? Everyone put me down, so thats how I lived my life...at the bottom. I was never popular or cool. But being "just me" sucked. I mean, I seriously wanted to be popular in high school. Not preppy popular, but just KNOWN. Half of the people that were in my class didn't even know who I was. I never did anything cool or different for people to notice me. I just lived. As I'm doing now. Half of the people in college don't know me. And there's only like, 200 people in the dorms! Seriously! What do I have to do, run around naked all the time? Or how about sleep with the baseball team like Tiffany? That got her name around alot. (No pun intended.)

I'm just sick of me.