Its funny when you think about it. How things always seem so different after the fact. How you seem to be so clear once an event has past you than when you were actually standing it the flame of it. Its not instant, you have to heal first, you have to forget the pain. Once its only a memory your mind begins to blossom forth details you never considered. Views you were so incapable of before hand.
Regret sets in like an infection. It spreads to every action and every thought. In my case the dark corners that I seek have begun to disturb me as much as they have comforted me. I am a seeker of solitude. Silence is something I can wrap myself in and I can have it now. Like a monk to the mountain tops, I go there to heal. Yet, I am still invaded by the basic. My ego still seeks the reflection of other human beings. I cannot avoid my need for approval, my need for closeness. Yet, like so many things, my tastes have changed....become more refined. People come in flavors and I have become a snob. The result is a starved spirit and a cold detachment to the world around me.
I have gotten to a place where religion almost makes a little sense. I can understand the need to look for something beyond the obvious. It would be nice to find some comfort past this blue vail, because within it is the essence of hell. For as long as I can remember logic has been my religion, my calling. I found beauty in the patterns and physics of the world. It has a intoxicating consistance that reaches to both the good and the evil. It doesnt explain the brutality of life, it doesnt point to a method of balancing out the nasty tendencies within us all. As you age you come to understand that nature is heartless in so many ways. Life feeds on life, feeds on life, feeds on life. (tool)
You cant shut everyone and everything out....so they say. Yet letting things and people in is so fucking risky. Not just for myself but for them. One's knowledge can completely betray you. Knowing the nature of the world and those in it can turn into something much darker than what is already there. Thus why I have been called predatorial. Hunt or be hunted, get them before the get you. Find thier flaws before they find yours......just in case they turn on you. Again, the problem with knowing the potential darkside of people is the assumption that everyone is a risk. You start reacting to things that may or may not be there. Things get derailed as a result and, in my case, you find yourself under review from the oversight commitee of your own mind. Yet again.
The Tao says there is no greater sadness than a nation preparing to defend itself by stock pile. (or something to that effect). If that is the case I have been conducting my own cold war for nearly a lifetime. Im finding disarming to be quite difficult. Im finding diplomacy quite difficult as well. Yet, it must happen. Without a major change to my social policy I will never meet my goals. Meaning I will never be able to come down off of this mountain to retry society.
Everyday is a chance to learn and, thus, heal. Every soul you meet is a chance to change your approach and perspective. I know that and im doing my best to live that. Its the infection of regret that im waiting for to pass. At the same time I know I wont stop regretting until I know im capable of better. Its a nasty cycle.
Regret sets in like an infection. It spreads to every action and every thought. In my case the dark corners that I seek have begun to disturb me as much as they have comforted me. I am a seeker of solitude. Silence is something I can wrap myself in and I can have it now. Like a monk to the mountain tops, I go there to heal. Yet, I am still invaded by the basic. My ego still seeks the reflection of other human beings. I cannot avoid my need for approval, my need for closeness. Yet, like so many things, my tastes have changed....become more refined. People come in flavors and I have become a snob. The result is a starved spirit and a cold detachment to the world around me.
I have gotten to a place where religion almost makes a little sense. I can understand the need to look for something beyond the obvious. It would be nice to find some comfort past this blue vail, because within it is the essence of hell. For as long as I can remember logic has been my religion, my calling. I found beauty in the patterns and physics of the world. It has a intoxicating consistance that reaches to both the good and the evil. It doesnt explain the brutality of life, it doesnt point to a method of balancing out the nasty tendencies within us all. As you age you come to understand that nature is heartless in so many ways. Life feeds on life, feeds on life, feeds on life. (tool)
You cant shut everyone and everything out....so they say. Yet letting things and people in is so fucking risky. Not just for myself but for them. One's knowledge can completely betray you. Knowing the nature of the world and those in it can turn into something much darker than what is already there. Thus why I have been called predatorial. Hunt or be hunted, get them before the get you. Find thier flaws before they find yours......just in case they turn on you. Again, the problem with knowing the potential darkside of people is the assumption that everyone is a risk. You start reacting to things that may or may not be there. Things get derailed as a result and, in my case, you find yourself under review from the oversight commitee of your own mind. Yet again.
The Tao says there is no greater sadness than a nation preparing to defend itself by stock pile. (or something to that effect). If that is the case I have been conducting my own cold war for nearly a lifetime. Im finding disarming to be quite difficult. Im finding diplomacy quite difficult as well. Yet, it must happen. Without a major change to my social policy I will never meet my goals. Meaning I will never be able to come down off of this mountain to retry society.
Everyday is a chance to learn and, thus, heal. Every soul you meet is a chance to change your approach and perspective. I know that and im doing my best to live that. Its the infection of regret that im waiting for to pass. At the same time I know I wont stop regretting until I know im capable of better. Its a nasty cycle.