So here I am about to open up...
In quite a vunerable way..
with hopes of it not coming back in at me in the way of my worst fears. So ill start by asking, Say youve wanted something for the longest time but you get some news that will push it back a little, do you give up? Or do you continue to push for what youve dreamt of?
Well heres my little story & I apologize ..its a bit long...
So last year I found out my husband and I were having a baby. I was pregnant with a little girl, and gosh I was so excited. I had been dancing at a club at the time & when I told everyone the news.. well the excitement seemed to only stay with me. But that was okay. I quit my job, moved to a bigger house, and started preparing for Miss Mila. .. a few weeks later we went to an appointment that broke my heart.. she had a tumor that caused her heart to stop. We had lost her at 18weeks.
I was depressed. Thought I was broken and somehow it was my fault.
Well then I got the email. "Your application has been accepted!"
I had applied to become a Suicide Girl and had been accepted! I was excited. So excited. I had wanted this since I was 17 but too shy to get behind a camera then. So I set a shoot up. The day came & everything seemed perfect. I wasnt the size I was used to because of the recent events but I was ready to rock it. & feel proud of myself. We shoot all night & I drive an hour and a half home. During that drive I start to get really sick. So i stopped at CVS to get some medicine and walk by that isle.. all the pregnancy tests.. baby stuff.. erk it still messed with me.. and I started to think "well could it be.. no..no way.." but I bought one.. just to ease my mind. There was no way. It hadnt been very long and these new directions were coming in my life. So here I am.. at home.. the house is asleep and I dont want to wake anyone.. I was hard to live with for a while after everything and didnt want to worry anyone.. and I take it..
...and wait.. for what felt like forever. And there it is.. positive. I get another chance.
But then everything hit me. I had just applied. Theres nothing sexy about being pregnant.. and so I thought about it for a while. A long while. And decided that...
Nothing will stop me from persuing my dreams. Including this one. I had a set coming out that I believe is beautiful. And following the birth of my SON in 2 months I will shoot another set and continue to until I can get accepted.. I want this.. this goal to become a Suicide Girl. And will continue to work towards it.
AND LASTLY. I want to apologize. For hiding it. I was so scared.. that being honest would turn my chances of ever making this happen away. That I would never be able to if people knew... but joining the groups.. meeting the members.. all of yall.. im realizing how accepting this community is. & hoping that with my honesty, I can still be accepted & have a shot at my dream.
Addt info- I am now 31 weeks.. I am high risk due to some serious complications throughout.. but my son is healthy & will be here in the next 7-8 weeks.
Much love,
Lily ❤
@rambo
@missy
