The Collector - script meeting
Three guys are sitting around doing bong hits. One is wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirt, the other an Affliction T-shirt with Ed Hardy jeans. The third, attempting to be "ironic", has an asymmetrical haircut and a 1970s track suit on.
Douchebag # 1 goes "BRO!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "DUDE!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "BRO!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "WHAT?"
Douchebag # 3, adjusting his asymmetrical haircut, enters the conversation two beats behind.
Douchebag # 1 goes "Saw was fuckin awesome, dude."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Ya, bro."
Douchebag # 1 goes "Dude."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Bro."
Douchebag # 1 goes "I had this totally wicked fuckin idea, dude. Hey, pass me your lighter."
Douchebag # 3 tosses his lighter. Douchebag # 1 throws his legs in the air and lights a gigantic beer fart.
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude! Totally putting that on Break.com right now dude."
(chorus of Bro! Dude! Bro! Dude! Dude! Bro!)
Douchebag # 3 goes "Awesome idea, dude."
Douchebag # 1 goes "Naw bro, that wasn't the idea. Know how Friday the 13th was fuckin cool too?"
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "Okay, so check this. How about if there was some killer guy with a mask, like Jason, but he rigs up a house, like Saw. Like, getting it on with two chicks at once, bro!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude!"
Douchebag # 3 goes "Bro!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "So I got this guy in English class to just write out the script as I was thinking it. I gave it to Brad to look over."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude, that's cool, bro."
Brad enters, scowling. He's dressed in normal clothes and clearly has an IQ above room temperature.
Brad: "How fucking wasted were you when you came up with this idea? Okay, having the guy break in to a house where there's some sick shit going on is cool. But I mean, the immortal hooded killer - that's Jason, from Friday the 13th. The boobytrapped house is totally from Saw. Sewing people to stuff was right out of the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You've even recycled the "have to save the little girl" thing from Aliens, and your script even says "little blond chick like that little blond chick in Aliens". The slutty older sister getting killed is right out of Hallowe'en. There's no original ideas here at all. But none of this makes any sense. If this guy is supposedly "collecting" people why the hell does he spend so much goddamn time rigging up a house to be a deathtrap, when it could conceivably kill the person he's trying to put into a box as bait for the next person? If that even makes any sense at all. Just how much weed DID you smoke?"
The Bros and Dudes look at him, their faces falling.
Brad: "And, like, this guy's able to set up dozens of bear traps, hammer spikes into two staircases, string up razor wire and acid floors, guillotine windows and all that in the house, while the guy's intently listening to a safecrack stethoscope, without him noticing the noise? In about three minutes' time AFTER he's entered? And board all the windows, on two floors, with no ladder or scaffold, completely quietly? And the thing that brings the hero's attention to the presence of the homicidal psycho is a slightly CREAKY STAIR?"
Brad: "I mean, he spends most of the movie torturing and killing the people he doesn't intend on "collecting", with no motivation whatsoever. He disembowels the dad, and pretends to cut off the mom's tongue, but doesn't - which makes no sense at all. You even write this bullshit piece in about him giving a shit about the life of a spider, even though his day job involves killing bugs, which means, presumably, he has no qualms about killing them!"
Bro #1 starts scowling.
Brad: "And then the dog. Wouldn't the guy who'd just left the house notice that there was a dog chained up, that wasn't there two or three hours ago, that they've never owned, supposedly with the owners gone for TWO WEEKS? How would it eat? There was no water? Wouldn't that clue you in? And when the dog turns out to belong to the killer guy, where the fuck does it disappear to? Does throwing a bucket of flaming toilet paper at a shotgun weilding lunatic cause attacks dogs to VANISH?"
Bro #1 is now scowling, HARD.
"And the ending, guys. The hooded guy manages to survive being impaled through the head by multiple knives, escapes a burning house, manages to get through an extensive police cordon even though he's dressed like a cat burglar with a hood, steals a truck even through he's in the middle of nowhere with sufficient oomph to ram an ambulance, even though the truck he's in at the beginning is nowhere near that caliber. He tracks an ambulance even though it's long gone, rams exactly the right one, and finally gets his prey, who is strangely somehow alive after having a cop car ram into him at 90mph, throwing him through the air and headfirst onto concrete? If he wanted to capture the thief guy, why go through all that elaborate bullshit maiming the family he worked for? Why not just grab him as he's leaving the place at the beginning of the movie, for fuck's sake?"
Brad throws the script down and walks out. "This is a complete piece of shit."
Bro, Bro and Bro watch him leave.
Douchebag #3 goes "you need a scene in a strip club in there, dude."
Douchebag #1 goes "Got one! And there's hot Suicidegirls dancing on poles, bro!"
Douchebag #1 picks up the phone. "Bro? .... Bro!..... Bro. Bro? BRO!!!!! BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Douchebag #2 and #3, "Dude?"
Douchebag #1 goes "They bought the script! I don't have to work this semester, or the next! Dad's friend at Freestyle Releasing loved it!"
--------------------
The only good part of this film is the credits, which are set to Combichrist's "Shut up and Bleed". After those are over, you can easily leave.
Three guys are sitting around doing bong hits. One is wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirt, the other an Affliction T-shirt with Ed Hardy jeans. The third, attempting to be "ironic", has an asymmetrical haircut and a 1970s track suit on.
Douchebag # 1 goes "BRO!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "DUDE!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "BRO!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "WHAT?"
Douchebag # 3, adjusting his asymmetrical haircut, enters the conversation two beats behind.
Douchebag # 1 goes "Saw was fuckin awesome, dude."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Ya, bro."
Douchebag # 1 goes "Dude."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Bro."
Douchebag # 1 goes "I had this totally wicked fuckin idea, dude. Hey, pass me your lighter."
Douchebag # 3 tosses his lighter. Douchebag # 1 throws his legs in the air and lights a gigantic beer fart.
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude! Totally putting that on Break.com right now dude."
(chorus of Bro! Dude! Bro! Dude! Dude! Bro!)
Douchebag # 3 goes "Awesome idea, dude."
Douchebag # 1 goes "Naw bro, that wasn't the idea. Know how Friday the 13th was fuckin cool too?"
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "Okay, so check this. How about if there was some killer guy with a mask, like Jason, but he rigs up a house, like Saw. Like, getting it on with two chicks at once, bro!"
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude!"
Douchebag # 3 goes "Bro!"
Douchebag # 1 goes "So I got this guy in English class to just write out the script as I was thinking it. I gave it to Brad to look over."
Douchebag # 2 goes "Dude, that's cool, bro."
Brad enters, scowling. He's dressed in normal clothes and clearly has an IQ above room temperature.
Brad: "How fucking wasted were you when you came up with this idea? Okay, having the guy break in to a house where there's some sick shit going on is cool. But I mean, the immortal hooded killer - that's Jason, from Friday the 13th. The boobytrapped house is totally from Saw. Sewing people to stuff was right out of the remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You've even recycled the "have to save the little girl" thing from Aliens, and your script even says "little blond chick like that little blond chick in Aliens". The slutty older sister getting killed is right out of Hallowe'en. There's no original ideas here at all. But none of this makes any sense. If this guy is supposedly "collecting" people why the hell does he spend so much goddamn time rigging up a house to be a deathtrap, when it could conceivably kill the person he's trying to put into a box as bait for the next person? If that even makes any sense at all. Just how much weed DID you smoke?"
The Bros and Dudes look at him, their faces falling.
Brad: "And, like, this guy's able to set up dozens of bear traps, hammer spikes into two staircases, string up razor wire and acid floors, guillotine windows and all that in the house, while the guy's intently listening to a safecrack stethoscope, without him noticing the noise? In about three minutes' time AFTER he's entered? And board all the windows, on two floors, with no ladder or scaffold, completely quietly? And the thing that brings the hero's attention to the presence of the homicidal psycho is a slightly CREAKY STAIR?"
Brad: "I mean, he spends most of the movie torturing and killing the people he doesn't intend on "collecting", with no motivation whatsoever. He disembowels the dad, and pretends to cut off the mom's tongue, but doesn't - which makes no sense at all. You even write this bullshit piece in about him giving a shit about the life of a spider, even though his day job involves killing bugs, which means, presumably, he has no qualms about killing them!"
Bro #1 starts scowling.
Brad: "And then the dog. Wouldn't the guy who'd just left the house notice that there was a dog chained up, that wasn't there two or three hours ago, that they've never owned, supposedly with the owners gone for TWO WEEKS? How would it eat? There was no water? Wouldn't that clue you in? And when the dog turns out to belong to the killer guy, where the fuck does it disappear to? Does throwing a bucket of flaming toilet paper at a shotgun weilding lunatic cause attacks dogs to VANISH?"
Bro #1 is now scowling, HARD.
"And the ending, guys. The hooded guy manages to survive being impaled through the head by multiple knives, escapes a burning house, manages to get through an extensive police cordon even though he's dressed like a cat burglar with a hood, steals a truck even through he's in the middle of nowhere with sufficient oomph to ram an ambulance, even though the truck he's in at the beginning is nowhere near that caliber. He tracks an ambulance even though it's long gone, rams exactly the right one, and finally gets his prey, who is strangely somehow alive after having a cop car ram into him at 90mph, throwing him through the air and headfirst onto concrete? If he wanted to capture the thief guy, why go through all that elaborate bullshit maiming the family he worked for? Why not just grab him as he's leaving the place at the beginning of the movie, for fuck's sake?"
Brad throws the script down and walks out. "This is a complete piece of shit."
Bro, Bro and Bro watch him leave.
Douchebag #3 goes "you need a scene in a strip club in there, dude."
Douchebag #1 goes "Got one! And there's hot Suicidegirls dancing on poles, bro!"
Douchebag #1 picks up the phone. "Bro? .... Bro!..... Bro. Bro? BRO!!!!! BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Douchebag #2 and #3, "Dude?"
Douchebag #1 goes "They bought the script! I don't have to work this semester, or the next! Dad's friend at Freestyle Releasing loved it!"
--------------------
The only good part of this film is the credits, which are set to Combichrist's "Shut up and Bleed". After those are over, you can easily leave.