'Every one of us has a secret rhythm beating like a drum
All of us have a albatross and this is my one
This is what I do for a living this is what I do
I could hide it in the attic I could bury it in static
I could only put it out in Japan
I could tape my mouth closed I could take another dose
I am dancing as fast as I can."
like the premise of several songs i've heard over the years, i have ghosts that follow me around. they float in and out of my head, surround me in dark corners, trip me up and keep my tongue tightly tied.
i have a sneaking suspicion that this will always be the state of my life. i'm not sure if i can leave them behind even if i tried as desperately as i could, which i must admit that i have. several times in fact. countless times.
i heard your name expelled from the lips of another in one hot breath. it sent shivers up my spine, i could feel it travel from my toes all the way up to my ears. making my face flush hard and fast, my face radiating the heat in a streak of red from my cheeks and over the bridge of my nose. i felt my eyes shift from side to side. my stomach dropped ever so slightly as i felt that terrible feeling. that hopelessness that happens from time to time when you struggle to find the words you want to say, when you just know that you can't bear to hear all the lies and quick judgments but you still want to torture yourself with all the dirty little details. the ache in your chest just grows to a chasm-size level.
i still can't believe you said those things, that you would even think of saying those things...
i set myself up for that outcome in the beginning and should have known better, but i can honestly say that through it all i held on to that shred of hope that maybe you'd keep your lips sealed and allow us to have the memory of when things where beautiful and lovely.
i believed you from the start, perhaps i put too much faith in what i thought you were before really knowing you. so yes, that makes me the one with egg on my face.
damn.
and to you, i am so sorry you had to hear those awful things about me, all the details that now become quick images in your head at inappropriate times. i honestly hope that you don't picture me with him, that you don't have the worry that i still think of him. i never wanted you to have a doubt in your mind about how i feel about you, hopefully you don't. hopefully you know that when i look into your eyes, you're the only one i see. all i'd like to do it calm your fears, make you smile, and i truly hope you know that.