new blog. oh boy.
i could blog about how the last year has gone and went, but there is only one thing i wanna mention and it happened just over month ago on july 2nd.
first of all i wear my heart on my sleeve. I can honestly say i have a kinder heart than most. This isn't something i necessarily care for, its put me under as opposed to over more often than not. It is what it is regardless and has been since i could remember.
ive claimed on here love at first sight, and girl of my dreams when in reality it was a strong physical attraction, loneliness, and hopefulness. Weak and far from genuine, infatuation has overwhelmed me in many aspects of my life. I live for excitement and easily soak every bit i can.
here is whats important.
if i could be sure as shit on anything that has happened in my life, its my love for a specific person. This is no girl ive recently met and have hopes for. This girl and i had a comic book or storybook beginning, middle, and as i hope for it not to be the end but a very climatic end sort to speak. While exciting as that may be, a relationship like a greatly written romance film, everything in between was perfect.
if you ask me to describe what i liked about past girlfriends im sure i could say great things and mean them. But not even all those girls combined, which is enough but nothing slutty LOL, i could still speak more positive things for this girl. you could ask me anything about someone, and i would say she tops it. all the way down to how she holds her fork, the sounds she makes when she eats, every little detail i enjoied. If it was something i wasn't into, just because she liked it, caused me to be intrigued by whatever.
time with her was easily the happiest i had been. i was on cloud 9 for a good amount of time. The thing is once you get that high up, when you crash you have to go that far down, except it happens in 1/16th of the time. Clearly i wouldn't even be writing this blog if we were together. How could something so perfect fall?
Two past lives nipping at our heals.
ill start with me because i can fact my statements. Where i messed up is my stubbornness first and foremost. I have a pretty thick head sometimes maybe most the time incoherently. I was doing things that i did my whole life, but never had i been in a relationship where compromise was necessary. While i didn't have a problem with compromise, it just wasn't enough and thats because i was selfish. I didn't think it would cost us, us. However with her past troubles it was the first nail in our coffin.
everything im about to say is mostly assumption, some based on what i would call a mathematical equation and i suck at math. where i crushed her heart she also crushed mine. I believe her romantic life predating ours was limited and not pleasant. before me she had been with her guy for many years, i want to say between 4-6. From what i remember it wasn't healthy in many aspects. Being from a small town i cant imagine dating having much variety or the will to seek variety. When our shit hit the fan, her past shit hit the fan again to. It could only become the same result and thats something she couldn't go through again. i cant blame her, i wouldn't wanna repeat things that hurt me. IRONY. while with me and escaped from her previous clutches of evil in a big town she sought out variety. not in a physical way except a picture that should have never been sent. her words are one of her strengths, and i don't blame these other men to fall for her either. while the attention and variety was exciting and fun i don't doubt for a second her love for me. while we work over rocky roads is when i slip. i got careless cuz i was angry. things that mattered didn't. while it was never my intent to hurt her or leave her or cheat on her i fucked up on some common sense ground which ment i got careless.
so when push comes to shove. you stop pushing and shoving. she left. i cried. and im sure she cried. through all of this journey so far and both our faults throughout, i knew i loved her, that she loved me, and not just love but pure genuine love. the kind of love you could only find in one lifetime. in the end she was vulnerable and some young gentleman took care of her because i couldn't get close enough anymore. she left me.
bad timing it was indeed, first month in the new house, 3 bedrooms and just us soon to be just me. where i never wanted us to split and the fashion that she left needless to be said i was filled and fueled with anger. all the memories of this time are the same brightness as the last 30min of star wars ep iii. for the next 2 years we don't speak. and this whole time im angry. in fact people started to go out of their way to tell me they didn't like me. i was an angry person, an asshole with a black heart. something i thought i always wanted. its to much work for me to hate. im a better nice person. but i didn't know how anymore. i didn't know who i was anymore, i couldn't figure it out.
desperate with the times i went with the flow hoping i would figure things out as i went. not the case. then out of the blue she sends me a message. a general message on how things are and things that she knew about me since our split. hesitant to reply due to harsh feelings and being scared of the hurt she could bring. so as this paragraph starts, desperate with the times she had something i wanted. Now this sounds like im about to use her, in a sense or initial reaction yes. But at the same time i know how strong our love was and approaching her now i had nothing ill willed in store. scared i avoid conversation and i got to business. she works for a company that could start my career. she could help and im sure she would. i wouldn't have known this before said message but if she would have contacted me for help, while hesitant and angry i know now i would have done everything in my power to help her. this email spawns conversation, a bit light, a bit frustrating. no one knew where the other was at on the elephant in the room. we hatch some things out and eventually i snap and pour my heart out a bit. since we went from spawning conversation to sparking conversation.
we decide to meet up.
while the first 10 seconds were awkward it with great ease became another wonderful evening with her. like nothing bad had ever happened. it was wonderful to say the least. after she left that night i stood in the parking lot for 20 minutes motionless. just stood there. my stomach in knots. my heart beating out of my chest. a feeling i hadn't felt in long time. we continue to talk and reminisce a little here and there. we decide to meet up a second time. although less was said to stir emotions we had a great time and a long goodbye hug. yeah a hug. a hug you never want to let go. but you have to or you come across as a creeper. but more importantly, on the motorcycle ride back to her car she hugged me with her hand on my chest and there was nothing i could do to stop my hand from being placed over hers. it was about 60 seconds and was soooo intense. it literally took my breath away. we continue to message all day for the following week. old habits have risen. while i cant help but think these are signs of possibly getting back together i know better and have my doubts.
so this is now current day time of blog.
its late and i work in the morning. but if i don't spill my emotions i could be a wreck tomorrow. since her arrival ive eaten less and slept less. im anxious all the time and my head running a million miles an hour. few thoughts are truly coherent making the breakdown of her intentions and my thoughts on what actions ill take extremely time consuming and unclear. so lets figure it out.
do i want to try and pursue her again.
im scared. i cant go through the heartbreak again. but the love i speak up is worth every risk.
she still with that guy
i dont want to be a home wrecker, and what dose that say about her if she cheats on him. while it is me and thats not confidence in myself, thats confidence in the love we shared. in the end its morals and common sense. if she cheats on him, itll be a rough start if we were to get back together.
working with her.
i can keep it separate. ive been business oriented since i was a kid naturally. if we start dating then good for us and ill keep pda limited and get my work done. if we don't get back together. which im sure id be working there before that would be possible anyways ill get my work done and keep my distance. i cant deny my love. but i can deny myself love from 9-5.
she has no desire to be with me.
im blowing smoke up my ass and everyone that read this blog. im sure of our love. but maybe she's truly happy with fuck head. i want her to be happy, preferably with me. but who am i to deny happiness to someone i care for so much. i wouldn't want to take that away from her. and there i am finishing under again.
fuck going under.
i deserve her and she deserves me. for fuck sake its us. her and i.
deep breaths.
fate.
could it be. am i finding signs because im unconsciously looking for them? three tonight that formed a trifecta. i met a couple girls recently that have a high potential of being my gf for a long time. very nice girls with great morals and very attractive. both of which seem to really care for me too. as i was talking to 1 of them i mentioned the pursuit of happiness, at the same time i was talking to the 2nd girl and she quoted a song with my loves name in it twice. right after mentioning not having a girlfriend. "que _____,______" qued her name. in the exact moments i mention the pursuit of happiness and the quote with my loves name in it my roommate puts on a song kid cudi - pursuit of happiness. im not a fan particularly but come on. what are the chances. today in the same day i leave my phone unattended and right as i come back to it, its 2:13 first am then pm and then again the next am. her favorite number is 214, and any find plus the two times during the day its and extremely happy moment. last night i watched a movie about fate. she's had dreams and songs come on that remind her of me as well. who knows. sigh
im ending this story turned rant.
bottom line
i love her. i miss her. i want her to be happy. i want to be happy. and we both deserve all of this.
will i act on it. ill do a good job and not crossing boundaries and ill keep my expectations low.
i could blog about how the last year has gone and went, but there is only one thing i wanna mention and it happened just over month ago on july 2nd.
first of all i wear my heart on my sleeve. I can honestly say i have a kinder heart than most. This isn't something i necessarily care for, its put me under as opposed to over more often than not. It is what it is regardless and has been since i could remember.
ive claimed on here love at first sight, and girl of my dreams when in reality it was a strong physical attraction, loneliness, and hopefulness. Weak and far from genuine, infatuation has overwhelmed me in many aspects of my life. I live for excitement and easily soak every bit i can.
here is whats important.
if i could be sure as shit on anything that has happened in my life, its my love for a specific person. This is no girl ive recently met and have hopes for. This girl and i had a comic book or storybook beginning, middle, and as i hope for it not to be the end but a very climatic end sort to speak. While exciting as that may be, a relationship like a greatly written romance film, everything in between was perfect.
if you ask me to describe what i liked about past girlfriends im sure i could say great things and mean them. But not even all those girls combined, which is enough but nothing slutty LOL, i could still speak more positive things for this girl. you could ask me anything about someone, and i would say she tops it. all the way down to how she holds her fork, the sounds she makes when she eats, every little detail i enjoied. If it was something i wasn't into, just because she liked it, caused me to be intrigued by whatever.
time with her was easily the happiest i had been. i was on cloud 9 for a good amount of time. The thing is once you get that high up, when you crash you have to go that far down, except it happens in 1/16th of the time. Clearly i wouldn't even be writing this blog if we were together. How could something so perfect fall?
Two past lives nipping at our heals.
ill start with me because i can fact my statements. Where i messed up is my stubbornness first and foremost. I have a pretty thick head sometimes maybe most the time incoherently. I was doing things that i did my whole life, but never had i been in a relationship where compromise was necessary. While i didn't have a problem with compromise, it just wasn't enough and thats because i was selfish. I didn't think it would cost us, us. However with her past troubles it was the first nail in our coffin.
everything im about to say is mostly assumption, some based on what i would call a mathematical equation and i suck at math. where i crushed her heart she also crushed mine. I believe her romantic life predating ours was limited and not pleasant. before me she had been with her guy for many years, i want to say between 4-6. From what i remember it wasn't healthy in many aspects. Being from a small town i cant imagine dating having much variety or the will to seek variety. When our shit hit the fan, her past shit hit the fan again to. It could only become the same result and thats something she couldn't go through again. i cant blame her, i wouldn't wanna repeat things that hurt me. IRONY. while with me and escaped from her previous clutches of evil in a big town she sought out variety. not in a physical way except a picture that should have never been sent. her words are one of her strengths, and i don't blame these other men to fall for her either. while the attention and variety was exciting and fun i don't doubt for a second her love for me. while we work over rocky roads is when i slip. i got careless cuz i was angry. things that mattered didn't. while it was never my intent to hurt her or leave her or cheat on her i fucked up on some common sense ground which ment i got careless.
so when push comes to shove. you stop pushing and shoving. she left. i cried. and im sure she cried. through all of this journey so far and both our faults throughout, i knew i loved her, that she loved me, and not just love but pure genuine love. the kind of love you could only find in one lifetime. in the end she was vulnerable and some young gentleman took care of her because i couldn't get close enough anymore. she left me.
bad timing it was indeed, first month in the new house, 3 bedrooms and just us soon to be just me. where i never wanted us to split and the fashion that she left needless to be said i was filled and fueled with anger. all the memories of this time are the same brightness as the last 30min of star wars ep iii. for the next 2 years we don't speak. and this whole time im angry. in fact people started to go out of their way to tell me they didn't like me. i was an angry person, an asshole with a black heart. something i thought i always wanted. its to much work for me to hate. im a better nice person. but i didn't know how anymore. i didn't know who i was anymore, i couldn't figure it out.
desperate with the times i went with the flow hoping i would figure things out as i went. not the case. then out of the blue she sends me a message. a general message on how things are and things that she knew about me since our split. hesitant to reply due to harsh feelings and being scared of the hurt she could bring. so as this paragraph starts, desperate with the times she had something i wanted. Now this sounds like im about to use her, in a sense or initial reaction yes. But at the same time i know how strong our love was and approaching her now i had nothing ill willed in store. scared i avoid conversation and i got to business. she works for a company that could start my career. she could help and im sure she would. i wouldn't have known this before said message but if she would have contacted me for help, while hesitant and angry i know now i would have done everything in my power to help her. this email spawns conversation, a bit light, a bit frustrating. no one knew where the other was at on the elephant in the room. we hatch some things out and eventually i snap and pour my heart out a bit. since we went from spawning conversation to sparking conversation.
we decide to meet up.
while the first 10 seconds were awkward it with great ease became another wonderful evening with her. like nothing bad had ever happened. it was wonderful to say the least. after she left that night i stood in the parking lot for 20 minutes motionless. just stood there. my stomach in knots. my heart beating out of my chest. a feeling i hadn't felt in long time. we continue to talk and reminisce a little here and there. we decide to meet up a second time. although less was said to stir emotions we had a great time and a long goodbye hug. yeah a hug. a hug you never want to let go. but you have to or you come across as a creeper. but more importantly, on the motorcycle ride back to her car she hugged me with her hand on my chest and there was nothing i could do to stop my hand from being placed over hers. it was about 60 seconds and was soooo intense. it literally took my breath away. we continue to message all day for the following week. old habits have risen. while i cant help but think these are signs of possibly getting back together i know better and have my doubts.
so this is now current day time of blog.
its late and i work in the morning. but if i don't spill my emotions i could be a wreck tomorrow. since her arrival ive eaten less and slept less. im anxious all the time and my head running a million miles an hour. few thoughts are truly coherent making the breakdown of her intentions and my thoughts on what actions ill take extremely time consuming and unclear. so lets figure it out.
do i want to try and pursue her again.
im scared. i cant go through the heartbreak again. but the love i speak up is worth every risk.
she still with that guy
i dont want to be a home wrecker, and what dose that say about her if she cheats on him. while it is me and thats not confidence in myself, thats confidence in the love we shared. in the end its morals and common sense. if she cheats on him, itll be a rough start if we were to get back together.
working with her.
i can keep it separate. ive been business oriented since i was a kid naturally. if we start dating then good for us and ill keep pda limited and get my work done. if we don't get back together. which im sure id be working there before that would be possible anyways ill get my work done and keep my distance. i cant deny my love. but i can deny myself love from 9-5.
she has no desire to be with me.
im blowing smoke up my ass and everyone that read this blog. im sure of our love. but maybe she's truly happy with fuck head. i want her to be happy, preferably with me. but who am i to deny happiness to someone i care for so much. i wouldn't want to take that away from her. and there i am finishing under again.
fuck going under.
i deserve her and she deserves me. for fuck sake its us. her and i.
deep breaths.
fate.
could it be. am i finding signs because im unconsciously looking for them? three tonight that formed a trifecta. i met a couple girls recently that have a high potential of being my gf for a long time. very nice girls with great morals and very attractive. both of which seem to really care for me too. as i was talking to 1 of them i mentioned the pursuit of happiness, at the same time i was talking to the 2nd girl and she quoted a song with my loves name in it twice. right after mentioning not having a girlfriend. "que _____,______" qued her name. in the exact moments i mention the pursuit of happiness and the quote with my loves name in it my roommate puts on a song kid cudi - pursuit of happiness. im not a fan particularly but come on. what are the chances. today in the same day i leave my phone unattended and right as i come back to it, its 2:13 first am then pm and then again the next am. her favorite number is 214, and any find plus the two times during the day its and extremely happy moment. last night i watched a movie about fate. she's had dreams and songs come on that remind her of me as well. who knows. sigh
im ending this story turned rant.
bottom line
i love her. i miss her. i want her to be happy. i want to be happy. and we both deserve all of this.
will i act on it. ill do a good job and not crossing boundaries and ill keep my expectations low.
thirteenfold:
ill read over and edit later. its 4:30 am and i work at 10am. and shes coming over tomorrow