I sometimes feel like I was born either 20 years too early or 20 years too late. I think I would have had more fun, had I been in my 20s back in the 80s, but I would have flourished and grown more if I was in my 20s today. For example, when I watch older movies from my youth, I see the older kids of back then, in the prime of their lives, in what must have been a more hopeful time of life. The economy appeared to be booming, Pop Culture was at a pinnacle, and the future looked bright and dazzling. Of course, this was just before the AIDS epidemic, so the hopes of free love and promiscuity featured in many earlier 80s Teen Comedies held unknown doom, but still, it still seemed like young adults were having a great time, without fear of consequence.
I wasted most of my own 20s, at home, at the beck and call of my overbearing parents, rather than spending any time around people my own age. I didn't smoke, drink, stay out late, or anything like that. I didn't even begin dating until I was almost 25. I was almost 30, by the time I moved out and I never really developed a sense of autonomy. I wasn't prepared to be an adult and I found myself going from living on my own, to living with various roommates. Eventually, I met and moved in with my ex-wife, only to go back to my dad, and eventually to where I am now. 42, divorced, and living alone with a cat. I have begun seeing someone new now and we are getting pretty serious, so any living changes with her are welcome and promising.
Still, my girlfriend has shared stories of her wild youth. Well, wild in comparison to mine. My girlfriend definitely did her share of living it up and having plenty of memorable experiences. Many of these experiences which helped shape her into the person she is now, the person I have been falling in love with. I know she would never even think to hold my lack of "living" as a demerit. None of that matters, as it is in the past. It doesn't matter if I had a lot of sex or none at all. It doesn't matter if I did any partying or played DnD every Friday night. It doesn't matter if I tried every vice imaginable or was apples and milk before bed. Who I am now and where I go from here are what is important. Do I want to be better or stay the same? It doesn't matter what I did or didn't do in the past, as I can choose something different in the future. Or some edibles-induced highfalutin philosophical bullshit.
Point is, I may have had more fun, if I had tried, but it could have ultimately distracted me from something better. -Shit I am really high right now.- That doesn't change the fact that I also may have really done myself some good to really have let loose once in awhile more.
I also feel that I see a lot of hope in some of the young people today. For all the shit we older fucks give the kids these days, Millennials do get a lot of unwarranted grief. I have seen some truly remarkable young people already making incredible Art, Music, and performances. Many young people are more empathetic and self-aware than I can recall myself being at that age. It's as if a lot of the generational trauma of this country is starting to hit earlier and earlier, making the youth of today much more concerned about the welfare of all life on Earth.
Not to say that all older people are tone-deaf, closed-minded, blind or that all young people are morally superior. I'm just saying that I have more faith in the generations to come, than I could ever had for the ones prior. The Greatest Generation still wasn't all that cool with the idea of Civil Rights or marriage equality, okay? Yeah, Millennials have have an odd sense of humor, but they aren't going to throw a fit if you ask them to bake a cake for a wedding!
I don't want to act like some sanctimonious Gen X-er, but I do feel like my age group has always been a little more open to new ideas, but even 42 y/0 grumps like me learn new things every day. I feel like if I was a young kid on a college campus today, I'd find myself delighted that I'd be able to find more like-minded folks so easily. Thanks to social media and a broader understanding of society, kids today are more comfortable to openly self-identify without judgement. I am pretty vanilla, a generic cis-male straight white guy, with mostly Liberal/Progressive leanings, and a proud notable lack of religious affiliation. I know that such a person would have been put on trial for witchcraft during the Satanic Panic of the 80s, so I would have to just tuck in my Alligator shirt and play along with what was deemed acceptable. I may have had a bit more luck meeting friends online during the tech boom of the 90s, had I been older at the time, but the technology of today would also help me find online friends I can actually meet and spend time with.
I think that the generations coming up, those who are still just children, will see the passion and drive of the 20-somethings today, and they will be inspired. If the ones who are holding this country back, by clinging to ignorance, apathy, and deception, History won't let us forget. I would love to imagine a future where this country truly has honest representation in all avenues of life. From private sector civilian life to elected official spots within the government. Kids will be embarrassed by their elders and will strive to really be better people. -Again, I am high and I get incredibly existential on edibles. This somewhat hokey hopeful side of me is rare. Leave it.-
Ultimately, I do find myself now, feeling like I missed out on a lot of stuff and worried I may miss out on more, if I don't at least make an effort. I feel like I owe it to myself, as well as to my girlfriend. I just do feel like I am lacking the information that could help me narrow down where I want to go? I haven't really been anywhere, so any option I am offered feels both enticing and terrifying. The thrilling ecstasy of the unknown.
As I sit here in the dark, listening to music, feeling both awake and asleep at the same time, I feel comfortable and yet longing for more. I just hope I have something to show for it, in another 20 years.