I'll do my best to keep this as brief and succinct as possible, although these posts are more of a means of me getting thoughts and feelings out there just for the sake of it. I doubt anyone reads these and if they do, I don't get a lot of feedback. Whatever, this is all anonymous, what do you care?
So, I took Friday off from work and spent some time out with my camera, snapping a few pics until the autumn rain drove me back into town. Later that evening, I went to see my brother and we talked a little about our sister and mother. I have a complicated, somewhat sociopathic relationship with my family. I don't flat out hate them, but many of them are the source of a lot of stress and anxiety. I often find myself thinking I should take a step back from all of it and focus on myself and my happiness, even if it means having to have some hard conversations with these people. I also have a problematic work environment, I have no friends, and I haven't had sex in almost two and a half years. I have had a few dates since I got divorced in 2017, but nothing has panned out. Bottom line: I am very very lonely and incredibly isolated. I am miserable and feeling worthless.
Yes, I am seeing a therapist. Yes, I am on antidepressants. No, I have no real plans to kill myself, but I can't promise it will never happen. I just don't have any faith in anything anymore. (I want it all but I can't have it. It's in my face, but I can't grab it.)
This year has seen me make a few weak attempts at trying new things, but I haven't the motivation or confidence to really push myself. I keep getting on OLD apps, with no success. I can't find anyone I feel any connection with. I have never been good at making meaningful connections that actually last. I don't even know what I want anymore. I miss companionship and I long to be loved, but I also just wish I could get laid, just so I can feel something.
I eventually got home Friday night, I got high, and I put on a visually-stunning Horror movie. I started having some truly worrying existential thoughts. I began to question whether or not anything was real. I wondered if I were to start posting a shit ton of odd crap on Reddit, if it would get anyone's attention. I made a wager with myself and with the so-called god. If I kept ramping up the honesty about myself and my very real wish for a quick and easy end, if I'd let enough truth slip out that it would result in the police showing up at my apartment. I envisioned a scenario that ended with me either being shot or being locked up in an asylum or somewhere in-between. In one of my many self-important arguments with this so-called god, I laughed and demanded he act on my behalf, to save my soul. Whether his actions ended in me dying or converting, any sort of divine intervention, would be all the evidence I need to no longer be an Atheist and to change my entire life for god.
One could argue that by giving into my demands, thus saving me, would mean god had still lost. I, without any faith, made god cave in. He answered my command instead of leaving it up to me. He maybe would have made me into a champion of the holy spirit, snatching my soul out of the devil's grasp, but at what cost? So, by doing nothing, god proved he doesn't care enough or he doesn't actually exist. (This was all the edibles talking as, now that I am not high, this whole logic makes no damn sense to me.)
I then spent the rest of the night wondering if anything was real. Was it all just a simulation? Did I take the red pill? Am I hallucinating or am I the hallucination? Does anything even matter? Can I change? If I were to be 100% honest, with anyone, would they like me less? How honest should I be? Should I hire an escort? Will I ever feel comfortable with my family? Should I stay on medication? Am I too old to be getting high? Am I a bad person? etc. etc. etc.
I eventually restarted my movie, for about the 5th time, attempted to jerk off, but couldn't because my antidepressants be like that, and finally feel asleep a little after 6am. I was awoken by a text message from my sister. She sent a message to my brother and I about what she's dealing with right now. She's struggling financially and has had more than 5 jobs this year. While she has been the victim of a lot of shitty circumstances, she is mostly to blame for her situation. Like me, she has depression and much much worse anxiety. She's never held onto a job for very long, she's never been married, and she has made herself the black sheep of the family. Not that I am saying she is, but that she does. Constantly. She has such poor self-esteem or a need for constant validation, something. Whatever it is, she needs help and hasn't accepted it. She is now in incredibly dire straits and everyone is sick of it. She now actually seems to be at rock bottom and she almost sounds like she knows it.
After yet another laundry list of self-pitying, I had a choice. I am so very ready to cut her out of my life if, by the time my parents are gone, she hasn't gotten her shit together. I just have no patience left and I want to stay focused on making myself happy. I had spoken to my mom, just the day prior, about how fed up I am with my sister. How she has squandered so many attempts to help her. I know my mom seems to hate my sister, but my mom hates everyone. She is a big part of why my sister is the way she is. My mom also has so much shit of her own that she chooses to ignore that I no longer see a difference between my mom and sister. (Insert poorly-timed and inappropriate incest joke here. Like you weren't already thinking of one.)
That about 24 hours later I found myself in just another example of what has been killing me about my sister and I could have easily gone off on her. My mom has a mutual non-problem calling my sister, "BITCH!" Maybe this was my chance. However, like I am with so many other things, I just don't have the energy to get angry. It wouldn't solve a damn thing. So, I considered myself before I bittered myself and began to talk to myself almost as much as I was to my sister.
I basically just told her that she needs to stop worrying about how others see her. That she needs to understand that there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Our society demonizes people for needing a hand, mostly out of pride. We don't want to admit that we'd probably be too embarrassed ourselves to accept help, so they project and shame those who do. Our mom helps out at a food truck and she says that, pre-COVID, a lot of items would go to waste because too many people were ashamed to take it. It just encourages people to stay down and we then blame them for it.
I told her she will never be happy with anyone else until she can be happy herself. I compared myself, three years her junior, to understanding how it feels to not feel like you are good enough or have failed. I told her I get her because her childhood was mine too. Three years her junior, I saw the world through the same lens so I know she has every right to feel victimized. However, if she stays in the past, mad at what she can't change, she'll never be happy. She needs to do whatever she can to get control back and to hell with those who judge her.
I said it better at the time, but I won't just paste the conversation here. My brother, later on, privately admitted with everything I said. I think I was opening myself up to both him and my sister, so I think it went without saying, that I am suffering too. I didn't push the matter with him, as I think my sister's current state is more pressing. I am not about to be evicted, she is. I can keep my dark thoughts to myself awhile longer. At least from the family.
The rest of yesterday was spent taking pictures at the park, coming home, getting slightly less high, and feeling at less of a panic than the night before. I again was up very late, watching Horror movies and listening to music. Wishing my taste in music could help me meet someone. A lover or a friend. Just someone who loved music as much as I do. My mood right now, is like...
Today was uneventful. I got my haircut, from my adorably geeky and total sweetheart of stylist, Brittany. I do have a total crush on her. She's an absolute doll, nice, and dorky. I am betting her boyfriend proposes this Christmas. She deserves it. #SIMP
I then went and wasted some money at Best Buy and had lunch. I then took a nap, eventually getting up to do a little late-night grocery shopping, at *gasp* 8:30 PM! (I can't believe I spelled, "grocery" right on the first try. I messed up the 2nd time.)
I made the mistake of getting Taco Bell for dinner. It was so stale that I tossed it out before it had the chance to toss my bowels out. (Gross)
I showered. I fed the cat. I did some editing of the pics I took today. I had the other half of a brownie. #wink And decided to write this. I know realise two things. 1: My decision to title this as "AVLP" was correct. and 2: I spelled realize correctly both times.
I'm getting too meta now and I am not nearly as charming as Abed to get away with it for very long. It's a little too stereotypical. Point is, I still have the ever-creeping storm cloud of agita and the bitingly cold wind of ennui. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself)
But that's the point, I can help myself and I know it. I have to believe I am not completely worthless. It doesn't mater if I am in my early 40s and haven't done a lot of dating or have had a lot of partners. It doesn't matter if I didn't go to college. It doesn't matter if I don't want kids or if I don't believe in god. None of this matters, if I don't actually care about myself. If someone really does love me, or is someone I do deserve to be worthy of, (if that makes sense), they won't care about those things. She'll only care that I care about myself. Mama Ru is absolutely correct. I mean this with all due respect.
Okay, pull it back. Desperately trying to prove my wokeness to deflect attention away from me failing to stop getting meta is no longer cute.
If I must pick a point to end this word salad would be to just admit that I still do find myself wondering about the things like; what matters?, who decides?, why even bother? I still having thoughts of how easily it could be to decide to just give up and end it all, RIGHT NOW? However, that choice is only slightly easier than choosing not to give up and to actually fight for yourself. If something is worth losing, it is worth working for. I mean, pick any Dumbledore quote you'd like. (Fun Fact: I had a total brainfart on that name. I kept thinking it was "Gambledorf") #FilthyCasual #AVPM #IAMSHERLOCKED #BenedictArnold #OBVIOUSMUCH
Whatever the fuck I am trying to say... I still have those troubling feelings, but I KNOW that it is NORMAL. We all have these moments, it is human, it is okay. It is not the end. #GetAGrip
I have to be smart enough to see the connections you want here. Yes, I need to take my own advice and not be afraid to get the help if it is there. Stay the course with therapy. Push myself to try new things. Know my value and nurture my worth. Play up on my creativity. Be more honest with myself. etc. etc. etc.
I wouldn't put a wager on if this gets much likes or comments. I don't really care if even one person sees this and relates. It doesn't matter if I save someone's life with my rambling hype. Not if I don't think my own life isn't worth saving either. *As Ride's "Vapour Trail" reaches it's creschendoing*** heights, I hear Zach Braff's voice in my head say...*,
"So you see? In the end, If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Then we hear a door get kicked in.
ZB: [Gasps!] "Mama Ru?!?!" RuPaul: "Bitch, I told you, "You steal my words, one. more. time..."
(I'M NO SUPERMAN.)
You get it right? I am saying it is okay to feel Cynical about about life sometimes. It's fine to feel skeptical about whatever process you choose to get better, as long as it is safe, healthy, and sound. You got be able to help yourself and not let your pride keep you from knowing it is okay to ask for help. One could find themselves in a better mood, if they choose to believe they are worth it. I wanna know I can do this and I have high hopes for others,
*I couldn't think of the word for, "crescendo in progression?"