theviscokid

I'll admit that I have core issues of my own to deal with before I can expect to make any progress in meeting someone. I need to get over my crippling self-doubt and social anxiety. I can't outright cure my depression once and for all, but I can't let it control me. It's completely okay that I may not have a lot of dating experience or that I may feel nervous because I am not the world's greatest lover. If everything I am hearing from others is true, whatever supposed shortcomings I may feel I have won't matter if I am able to find someone who has the same amount of mutual love and respect for me. Part of what makes a relationship meaningful is helping one another overcome obstacles and growing together. Yeah, I may be a cynical misanthropic asshole, but I do still believe some of this positivity crap. Or at least I am hoping it is all true for my sake. That being said, I guess I just have to own the fact that I am and have always been an "indoor kid" with geeky tendencies. Just because I never cared for sports or things like camping, hiking, fishing, etc. that doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of other adults my age who are the same way. I can't believe I am the only 40-something in the whole world who is still in an extended adolescence. There has to be plenty of folks who still enjoy video games and comic books. The internet is full of people who are incredibly passionate about movies and music and their age is irrelevant. I shouldn't feel like I am unworthy of love, just because I didn't go to college or that I haven't traveled. It doesn't make me any less interesting or any less deserving of a chance to be happy. Unfortunately, I do find myself in a situation where it seems like I am unable to find any like-minded people. I am more Liberal than most of my family and coworkers and I am unapologetically Atheist. It's not to say I cannot be friends with Conservatives or religious people, but it could mean that I may not be seen as a good match with someone with strongly held opposing beliefs. I do know I have no interest in associating with extreme far-Right Conservative Christian Evangelicals and/or those who see absolutely nothing wrong with Trump. Those are things I can't budge on and given my lack of interest in faith or religion, I probably would just end up offending most people of faith, if they got to know me better. I have had plenty of people tell me I am wrong for having this stance, but I don't agree. You really expect me to believe that a woman who believes in god and the concept of a soul and an afterlife is really going to want to become intimately involved with someone who openly calls religion bullshit? I'd imagine that most religious people ultimately want to settle down with someone who has the same values and faith. Most people who take their religion seriously, kinda feel obligated to get married, have kids, and raise their families in the church. I really don't know of many people who say, "Yeah, I believe in god, but it doesn't matter." How the fuck does that work? You may as well not believe if it doesn't matter to you. I don't know, maybe there are plenty of happy relationships between deeply Conservative bible-thumpers and bleeding heart Liberal heathens. I'm sure that religion is never an issue of contention for those couples, ever. I mean, I am getting so many likes on OLD sites from women who have things like, "Jesus First" in the profiles. (NOT!) As for the Trump stuff, bottom line, I think the man is a raging lunatic and a complete disaster. I see nothing redeemable in him and I honestly have no respect for the people who continuously defend him, no matter what. He's a disgrace and people who like him should be ashamed. I won't budge on it and I won't apologize. I have never been deeply inspired by any politician, not even Obama, but I at least respected him and didn't find myself die inside a little more every time I'd hear his voice. So, yeah, I know what sort of things I feel are deal breakers for me or what could be seen as red flags by others. I'm not terribly obsessed with looks, but I do know what I find attractive. I value things like a really good sense of humor, the ability to hold a conversation, enough mutual interests so we can enjoy things together, and being open and honest with each other. Nothing too pretentious or egregious there. I'm sure it's the sort of things most people want in a potential match. I've never been a casual dater and I tend to be more monogamous, but that doesn't mean that if I met someone who essentially was like, "Hey, I am not in any rush to settle down or move in together. I don't have any interest in having kids with you or meeting each other's family. I am fine with keeping it casual in the sense that I'll be expecting a ring at any point in the near future either. I'm happy to focus on each other, enjoy one another's company, and have fun doing things together. If things really get serious, I'm game. I can be emotionally available and open, but that doesn't mean that this is the end." I don't know, if that is what counts as causal these days or if it really means just hooking up randomly. I am not looking for that. Although, there was a time I would have been more into it. I do know I am not really sure if I want kids. The whole "picket fence American Dream" was never something I saw for myself. I am in a situation right now where I could, if I had the money and gumption, move away from where I am now. If I felt like it wouldn't be a disaster, I'd say I would move out to LA and try to get into filmmaking, editing, music production, etc. My two biggest passions are films and music and I would so fucking love a career in that field. I just have no experience or education and I have no fucking confidence in myself to make such a bold move. I wouldn't even know where to start. That being said, getting a house and two kids, going to soccer practice on weekends, and having family over for Sunday dinner isn't where I can see myself at any time soon. I don't know if it will ever be in my future, I don't think I want it to be. If the world was fair and I could get whatever I wanted, I'd be dating a Suicide Girl (I have a few in particular in mind), I'd be directing music videos for incredible Indie bands, and contributing song suggestions to incredibly iconic film soundtracks. I'd be friends with stand-up comedians and living in a modest house, someplace warmer. Right now, I am working in a job I don't care for, surrounded by coworkers I can't relate to. I have a challenging relationship with most of my family and no friends at all. I live alone with a cat and spend my time off in front of the TV during the day and, not often, laying in the dark, listening to music while high. I don't care to go to church on Sundays and I am not looking to donate to some sort of "pro-life" organization. It'd be a miracle to get me out of the apartment in the first place, but if I were to hit the streets in support of a cause, it would be something like allying myself with the LGBTQIA+ community or something like civil rights and equality for all. I'd be attending meetings for secular organizations, like Center For Inquiry. I'd be going to concerts on Saturday night and sleeping in on Sundays. I doubt that's the sort of man most women my age are looking for, even if I wasn't so unsure of myself and desperate. I honestly just don't feel like there is anything out there for me any more.