theviscokid

So much of my life was tied up in my marriage that even the small things remind me of that relationship. I often will find myself thinking about some of the regular routines and activities that will I struggle to separate from my time being married. I got a Costco membership again, and walking around the store was difficult as my ex and I would go there every Sunday. Some of my favorite movies, shows, YouTube channels spawned countless inside jokes between my ex and I.

I have tried to start over, but it has been a nightmare trying to meet new people that I feel comfortable around. I've always had problems making friends and this year has really thrown a wrench into things as the few options I had have been eliminated until further notice.

To make matters worse, as I have slowly begun to find my identity, I can't help but think that I probably am now becoming the sort of man my ex was actually looking for, but it is way too late for that to matter and I haven't found anyone new that comes close to being the sort of person I want to be around.

This self-fulfilling prophecy of partially voluntary isolation is keeping me from moving on. Having incredibly limited resources to put to use, only makes it easier to feel like all is lost. I just want to move on. There's a lot more to this, but ultimately I am tired of where I am at in life and I wish I was bold enough to make some drastic changes and that I had the direction to know just where to start. I feel like I need to do something huge to kick my ass out of this rut that I've been in for years. I just don't know how.

For example, since I don't want to create an entirely new post just so it can be lost in "New." I recently did something that most people will consider incredibly stupid. I cashed out my 401k. I've been struggling financially for the better part of a year now, going paycheck to paycheck. I've been incredibly stressed out and depressed as a result. Call it a matter of pride, but I don't want to and kinda can't turn to my family for help. No one else has any money to give and I hate asking for money to begin with. There are also a shit ton of strained relationships in my family.

Bottom line, moving back in with either of my parents will be the end of me. I've been fighting off suicidal thoughts long enough to know that I'd rather die than move in with my lunatic mother. I already feel like I'm on my way to ending up like my dad; divorced at a young enough age that he still had time to date again and maybe get married a 2nd time, but ultimately kept himself alone and now has been in the same apartment for over 30 years.

I just don't want to essentially devolve back into the quiet isolated kid I was when I lived with my mom, because she was so fucking overbearing or having to feel like I had no privacy whatsoever because my dad's apartment is so small. I'm almost 42 and I have never felt like I was an adult.

Getting back to the 401k. I cashed it out and paid off my credit cards. I essentially am debt-free and I have about 15 grand in the bank, which is way more than I have ever had at one time. Needless to say, I'm not too concerned about my future right now. I'm single and childless, so no one else is dependent upon me for survival. I have no interest in buying a house or starting a family and I often doubt I'll ever even date again. I'm miserable with my job, I have no friends or social life whatsoever, and I really don't like where I'm at overall.

Based on my experiences with online dating, it seems like most of the women who really appeal to me the most, almost always seem to live well-over an hour away, making me wonder if a change of scenery is in order. Of course, I have to get my shit together, if I ever hope to be seen as anything worth while to anyone, so I know that I can't just move away and escape my problems. It doesn't make it any less depressing though, when it's Friday night and I'm stuck alone in my apartment with not a single fucking person to talk to or anyone in my life whom I feel a connection to. Point is, if I learned I had less than a month to live, I wouldn't care. I hate my present, the future seems irrelevant, and I'm stuck in the past.

People often say it's never too late to follow your dreams or to set life-changing goals. Well, that's easy to say when you have even a shred of confidence or any direction in life. I have never felt much passion in anything and the few joys I had were never really supported by those closest to me. Back in high school, the Drama Club was my life. I was never much of an actor, but I worked backstage and my experience with all those productions were the happiest times of my young life. Of course, all the after school rehearsals meant I wasn't home to do my chores, essentially help raise my younger brothers and do a lot of cleaning, because my stepfather was a useless prick. Because of this, he and my mom bitched at me constantly about how much time I was spending at the school. My grades never suffered and it wasn't like I was doing drugs or getting girls pregnant, but I may as well have been, given how much grief I got.

After graduating, I worked on a few children's community theatre productions, but it wasn't quite the same and having a full-time job meant not having the time I would have liked to focus on more shows. Eventually, I stopped that part of my life altogether. My mom's marriage to my stepfather was falling apart and she had to declare bankruptcy. Even before then, I never felt like I could go out on weekends and stay out too late, without being made to feel like I was putting my mom and stepdad into a panic. The idea of dating and potentially staying the night at someone else's place was mortifying, as I knew I'd get judgemental comments for it. That's why I didn't actually start dating until I was 25 and stayed living with my mom for almost a year later. My adulthood was stunted and I never developed any sense of identity.

Once I got married, my life was being a husband and caretaker for my ex-wife. She had a lot of health issues and I spent a lot of time being there for her. Once I got divorced, I moved in with my dad and spent almost two years working and nothing else. I had no privacy at my dad's and I had no friends to spend time with. I finally moved out just over a year ago and I have been struggling to find myself since then. I'm terrible at managing my money, hence the 401k cash out, and now that I'm in a somewhat stable position, I'm desperately trying to figure out what to do next.

There's literally nothing holding me back, other than me, my anxiety, my depression, and my indecisiveness. As callous as it sounds, despite everything going on in my family, I could easily walk away from all of them if it meant finding some real happiness for myself. I don't flat out hate my family, but I don't get much emotional/spiritual nourishment from them. I'm much more Liberal and socially aware than many of them, not at all religious, and frankly, I'm just not sure how I'm even from the same family at times. My ex never understood it either, how I wound up the way I am given the way my parents and siblings are. I'm not wishing harm on any of them, I just need distance.

I honestly doubt I'd get any support from them, if I were to completely throw myself into a cause that was somewhat more inline with my views. The same can be said for the majority of my coworkers, so that means most of the people in my daily life are not really at all the sort of people I can relate to. I am desperate to find more like-minded individuals. I'm starving to find just find someone who likes the same music/movies/shows as me. Seriously, I've lost count of how many times I've embarrassed myself when I've realized I've started frantically rambling on and on whenever I meet someone who seems to be on the same page as me and has just one similar interest.

So, what the fuck do I do? Simply moving out of town or to another state isn't going to fix a damn thing. I'll still have to get a job and without any formal education or skills, I'll be stuck working in the same kinds of jobs I've always had. Factories, warehouses, department stores, and so on. I know I don't have the mentality for these jobs. Even now, working in a glorified quality control position in my company's corporate lab, I'm miserable. The work is unfulfilling enough without the subtle racism and conspiracy bullshit from my coworkers. I need something I'm actually going to care about. Problem is, I haven't cared about anything for a long time. I am finding a new passion for music and films and if I had to pick a dream job, it would be working as a Music Supervisor for films and television.

Somehow, I don't think my family would quite understand if I told them I was going to move out to L.A. and try to break into show business. My dad and brother have been trying to nudge me towards programming computers and robots in manufacturing. They're both more mechanically-minded, tools, cars, working with their hands. That's never been me. I felt silly enough when I talked about taking some Improv classes at my local community theatre.

In any case, my mind is racing these days. I'm kept awake at night, fighting off feelings of loss over my failed marriage and a sense of despair as to whether or not I'm going to remain alone. I'm anxious over what else I can fill my life with, that isn't just going to either irritate me or only serve as a temporary reprieve from the overall sense of dread and hopeless that has overtaken the world. All I know is that I'm not happy with the way things are going and I am driving myself mad, obsessing over the shit that I can't control. I've lost interest in trying to have conversations with those whom I'm so clearly diametrically opposed to in many ways. I need a community where I can feel comfortable. I need an environment where I can thrive.

At this point, I feel like whatever I do, it's going to have to be something major. I either change my life or end it. That's really all there is to it and I can't even say this to anyone.