Yes, this is going to be one of those, "I'm so lonely..." posts, but I'm home alone on a Saturday night, I'm high, and I have to work tomorrow morning anyway, so I may as well gripe and whine. It's been almost four years since I got divorced and I have had shit luck at trying to meet anyone new. I've never been comfortable in public so the usual haunts have never been my scene. I don't drink much and I never liked dance clubs. Besides, even if I do see someone appealing, while I am out and about, I wouldn't know how to even talk to them. Yes, I am shy and socially awkward. It's not that I am intimated by women, it's that I have no confidence left and I feel completely inadequate. I honestly don't know what the hell it will take to get me out of my head or if I will ever have the self-esteem to push myself. However, that doesn't even seem to matter since I don't even think there is anyone out there for me to begin with. I have tried over a dozen different dating apps, from the basic apps like, Match to the more sketchy sites like AdultFriendFinder. I've even tried sites that specifically tailored to specific interests or tastes, like TasteBudsFM which centers on the music you like.
That ones especially stings, because my passion and love for music (listening as a fan, not making it) has become one of the best ways I have of defining myself. I don't want to sound like a Hipster douche, but I so rarely meet people who know of the music I like and I would so love to have someone to go to concerts with. As stereotypical as it sounds, I would also really enjoy getting high and listening to music with as well. In fact, so many of the things I enjoy, I have to enjoy alone because I just can't find many like-minded folks.
I'd describe myself as being more Liberal than most of the people I know and I am not at all, like not even a tiny bit, religious. I do not believe in god and I have absolutely zero interest in religion. I don't know many other secularists that live nearby. The only dating site for Atheists I could find doesn't even have more than two users in my area on the site. When I try narrowing my searches down to non-religious users, the options shrink down to low single-digit numbers almost always. I also have no desire to ever have kids and I don't want to really be a stepdad, so that seems to make pickings even slimmer.
I will admit, there are certain body types that really do it for me, but I have a fairly healthy taste in appearances and while I do feel physical attraction is important, it's not like that is the only thing I care about. That being said, it doesn't make me feel less shallow for admitting that the majority of users who do end up liking me, on the various dating sites I've tried, typically aren't at all appealing to me in that way. I'm probably not what most women are looking for myself, I've put on weight around my belly as I have crept into my 40s and I am not in the best physical shape. I'm not perfect 10 and I don't expect or think I deserve any less for myself. But that's not really an issue in the end, because it still comes down to just not finding a good match.
Is it too much to ask that I can meet someone who has enough in common with, so we can have plenty of things to enjoy doing together. Watch cheesy Horror movies, talk about comic books, play video games, act silly, fool around, etc. It's been so damn long since I had anything close to any form of intimacy. I can't remember the last time I was able to really legitimately able enjoy myself with someone else. I don't have any close friends to even hang out with, so I am always alone whenever I go someplace. Essentially, I find myself not knowing how to meet people I could get along with and I have no idea where to even look.
Dating apps are always a disappointment, whenever I do find users who seem incredibly close to a good match, they almost always live hours, if not states, away. If I do find someone close, they are never interested in me. If I do get a match, and they actually bother to respond to my attempts to start a conversation, I am not able to hold their interest long and never get anywhere. I get it, I am the problem and I always will be. Apparently I don't even have to say anything before women can just tell I am not worth it. Like I said, I am going to gripe and whine here.
The things that sucks the most is that I feel like it wouldn't matter if I didn't hate myself and feel like I have nothing to offer, because there's no market for what I am selling.