I'm not the most politically active person in the world. Sure, I have plenty of steadfast opinions and strong reactions to certain views, but beyond whinging online and angrily talking to myself about things, I have never really done anything about my concerns. It all boils down to two things; lack of support and lack of confidence.
For example, I work with a lot of pro-Trump people. People who joke about driving cars into protesters or "taking out" certain Democrats. People who claim to not be racist or sexist, but seem to have a lot of anxiety over women or people of color getting more power/rights. I also have family who could be described this way, so I know I'd get flack from most of the people I see often, if I had a BLM sticker on my car or if I was openly in favor of LGBTQ rights. Essentially, if I told my parents I was heading down to a rally for supporting DACA or something like that, they'd probably tell me I was wasting my time. Bottom line, I don't know enough like-minded people to be able to discuss certain things with, without feeling like I'd be looked at like I was nuts. Seriously, the shit I hear on a daily basis is "soul crushing."
As for lacking the confidence, it is more than just not feeling comfortable around strangers, as is the issue when it comes to trying to create a social life, it is more about not feeling that strongly about my convictions. I can acknowledge the way my privilege has affected me, as a SWM, in that I can't really truly understand what it is like to be a woman, a POC, a non-binary non-cis etc person. I can watch plenty of shows and movies that portray these people and their struggles and I can do my best to empathize with them, I just can't say I really know what it is like. Especially not when I don't really know many people who are different. I don't know many people that well at all, so showing up to a rally by myself would be unnerving enough, but the added bonus of not truly understanding the reasons for the rally would only make me feel like an impostor or an opportunist just looking for attention. I would want my involvement to actually mean something to me. That's where my privilege kicks in. Not much of these issues will directly impact me, so it's hard to really feel motivated. I'll never be denied an abortion, threatened with deportation, or fired from a job because of my sexuality. How can I really be concerned?
I suppose, however, that even if I may not be the most obvious or appropriate candidate to represent something, like ending police brutality against minorities, the simple fact that I showed up, adding to the numbers and voices, especially given my status as a SWM, could in fact speak louder than I could personally. Take for example how many white suburbanites have taken to the streets since the killing of George Floyd. Yeah, maybe not every single one of those people have a close black friend, but the fact that these people feel anything enough to make them leave their homes, shows that this is an issue that needs to be addressed. It's not just a bunch of "whiny blacks" looking for a handout, as some people I know of have said, it's young and old people, white and black and Hispanic, it's straight and gay, it's secular and religious. That alone is enough to boost my morale, when considering attending a rally or a march. Unfortunately, that lack of personal support brings me right back down.
Last year, Bernie Sanders was in town with Jesse Jackson for a rally. I would have loved to have gone, but a coworker asked me if I would be there, in a somewhat mocking tone. He said he wanted to go to, so he could try to rile up some Liberals, as if he would get off on trying to start a fight. That sort of criticism, dismissal, and thinly-veiled threat was all it took for me to downplay my support of Sanders and jokingly write off the rally as a waste of time. While many Left-leaning people, like myself, can be prone to anger and resentment that leads to self-righteous indignation and harsh criticism of the Right. There are those on the Right who just resort to bullying and cruelty in order to intimidate and silence their critics. I mean, as smug as it sounds, I don't see many Conservatives who are willing to even try to start a real dialogue and instead just take the low road and get mean. Liberals seem to be a bit more willing to engage in a debate but, if they're like me, it usually just ends up as a rant.
I'd argue that the civilized conversation is a dying Art. It's pretty much, "You either agree with me or you're Hitler." I see it on both sides, but whether I am biased or not, I see it more on the Right. That's enough to give me pause when thinking about going to a rally. There's been too much violence at these marches and protests lately. I'm not sure I am quite willing to die for anything at this point.
Ultimately, I want to expand my worldview. I want to get out there and show my support for things that I do feel are important. I just also feel like walking into something like that, alone, will make it harder for me to be open. I worry that I may have to actually argue my case against a coworker or even a relative and I'm not great with conflict. I have a lot of resentment as it is, so even the smallest of pokes could wake one hell of an angry bear in me.