Long story short, it's been about three years since my divorce. I've had a few dates since then, but I've yet to successfully meet and truly connect with another person in so long, that I'm starting to think I never will again. As clichéd as it sounds, I'm starting to lose my belief in the concept of love.
I forget the last time I said, "I love you." to another person and really felt it to be true. Saying that to family members is one thing and with how disconnected I feel from most of my relatives, it's just something I say without thinking or feeling anything. However, in terms of true "romantic love," it's been so long since I've felt anything like that, that I have forgotten the feeling.
Since the divorce, I've tried over a dozen different dating apps. I've probably mentioned this in earlier posts before, so to save time, the bottom line is that I'm having no luck whatsoever with online dating. I can't find many promising potential matches, I can't even get matched, or if I do, nothing happens. It's my fault, plain and simple. I don't know what it is exactly that I'm doing wrong, but the women I do end up talking to lose interest quickly and it's beyond discouraging. I'm not a perfect 10, nobody really is. However, like most people, I believe that I too am deserving of something real, something meaningful, something that is substantial and worth the pain and struggle of working to maintain.
I'm funny, smart, sensitive, etc. I have good taste in various forms of media and I can be a caring and nurturing person. I know I have worthwhile qualities that are vital to keeping a relationship, of any kind, healthy. I just have never been good at starting those relationships and keeping them alive. For all my ex-wife's faults, I know I have a lot of anger and irritability issues. My whole family thrives on bitterness over the past, it's no wonder I can't shake that "disease."
I acknowledge I have incredibly low self-esteem and social anxiety. Whether it's something to be embarrassed about or not, I'm definitely one of those Gen X-ers that is firmly in an extended state of adolescence. I'm a huge geek and I still like comic books, videogames, and other things most men my age have moved on from. It's ironic that of I was only 20 years younger, I'd have a better chance at finding a better-fitting social circle.
The area in which I live does have a history of being much more Conservative and religious than I could ever stomach being. I work with so many Trump supporters that I can't help but feel nauseated whenever I hear the bullshit they say about anything/anyone that doesn't fully kiss that moron's ass. I have family who still support him too, but they're not nearly as "foil hat" crazy as so many Trumpsters are. As for religion, I have also posted before that I'm a militant Atheist. I honestly haven't got any use for religion and the more devout/orthodox a person is, the less likely I am to want anything to do with them. It's the sort of the thing that has kept me from fitting in or finding like-minded people my entire adult life.
Finally, I just have no desire to have any kids. That ties into my whole sense of hopelessness and despair. I won't lie, I often feel so depressed that I find myself thinking about suicide every single day. Honest truth, I can't say it isn't going to end that way eventually. I just don't see much worth living for or to look forward to. I have so little concern for things like, buying a house, starting a family, getting a mortgage, saving for retirement, helping raise grandkids, and growing old. None of that has ever really entered my mind and it all seems much less obtainable with each passing year. Fuck, I can't even recall thinking about growing old with my wife while we were still together. I simply just don't have enough faith in humanity or this fucking train wreck of a country, to have any confidence in starting a family. What's the fucking point?
That being said, yes, I do see a therapist and yes, I'm trying to figure out if any sort of medication will help. I've been using marijuana lately and it does make me feel better, at the time, but like everything else, the sensation is fleeting and doesn't actually solve anything. I'm lost and stuck in a rut. I have no interests or passions. I've been living paycheck to paycheck for so long that I don't even have $400 in the bank. My dad often pesters me to look into buying a starter house, but I don't have the money to even think about it and it frankly just pisses me off whenever he brings the topic up. At this point, I've accepted that I'm doomed to the same fate as his. Divorced, never married again, living alone in the same apartment for 30+ years, growing old, and dying "alone."
If money wasn't an object, if I knew I'd have the support of my family or at the very least I wouldn't get too much grief over it, the few appealing career paths are ones that would take so long to get successful in that, at 41, I feel like I'd be wasting my time. The only things that I could say would interest me would be voice acting or music director/supervisor for films and television. Again, I have too much debt and not enough viable options to even try that, I lose interest in even looking into such things before I've even scratched the surface. My motivation is nil. I have plenty of excuses, both legitimate and nonsensical to keep me from doing anything at this point.
So, all of this keeps me from putting much effort into trying to meet anyone. I don't want to inflict my black hole of self-pitying bullshit onto anyone. Even if I do get matched with someone on a dating app, it doesn't take long for me to realize I have nothing to talk about, nothing to offer, and no business trying to drag someone into my so they can give me a reason to live. That doesn't make me any less miserably lonely or, to over-share, sexuality frustrated. I'm desperate to feel something meaningful, something other than anger, bitterness, anxiety, depression, frustration, and loneliness.
I'll admit, I've tried looking to sites/apps like Tinder or AdultFriendFinder and even those have failed me. I'm not holding out for a Victoria's Secret model, but physical attraction is important. Let's just say, if someone is good-looking, they don't need the internet to get laid not would they want to fuck a desperate vanilla simp like me. I have no confidence in my abilities in be at this point, thanks in part to my utter lack of experience and my ex-wife cutting me down in that arena. I'm both eager and terrified to get close to a woman again, it's not a potent aphrodisiac at all.
So, once again, another work week will pass and I'll be left home alone all weekend. Pandemic or not, I have no clue where to go or where to go in order to meet people and if I do meet someone, I'll end up so stuck in my own head that I'll shoot myself in the foot and scare away yet another person. I'll get mad at myself for being so pathetic, knowing full well that it doesn't have to be like this, but lacking the willpower to push myself through it. Right back into that same fucking rut, year after wasted year. Eventually, I'll stop shooting myself in the foot and start aiming for my head. I often feel like the most productive thing I could do with my life, at this point, is just end it.