It's almost 11:30 and I am awash in mostly negative emotions. I am tired and irritable. I am depressed and lonely. I'm overheated and out of shape. I feel like absolute shit almost all of the time and it's all in my head. I hate my job and really cannot stand the culture there. I am so beyond annoyed with how people are acting during a fucking pandemic. I am sick of so much bad news. I am ashamed for our President. I am lonely. I haven't had sex in over 3 years and I forget the last time I had really good sex. I have no friends, no one close. I have nobody to talk to other than my psychologist and therapy isn't helping anymore. I don't want to be a zombie on meds, but I also don't want to be struck with a boatload of emotions all of the time either. Do you realize how many shows/movies make me cry nowadays?
I have no sense of "community" and since everything has been closed for so long now, I worry that we may forget what that word means. I am tired of always dreading what they next day/week/month will bring this year. I can't check the news anymore because of the constant parade of bullshit happening all over the world. I am exhausted by my imagination. I am trying to expand my horizons more, by using weed and all it has done is make me wonder who I would be now and how happier I could be, if maybe I hadn't wasted my 20s home alone every weekend. It wasn't entirely my fault, but I certainly didn't help. Now, I'm 41, divorced, alone, sitting in an apartment, eating pizza for the 3rd time in a week, in my underwear, wondering why I can't get a single match on any dating apps.
I feel like I am going insane sometimes, when I see how things are and how they could end up, if nothing changes, but I am always told not to worry by someone. That doesn't stop them from tossing a tantrum over their own views, but opinions and assholes, right? However, I know I am not the only one to have such an alarmist, fatalist, pessimistic view of the world, but one can't survive in an echo chamber. What always gets me is that if the things I worry about aren't important, then what is? I feel like I may as well just not care about anything then. I can't find that middle ground. It feels too much like an "Ignorance is bliss." state of mind, and I really hate how pretentious that makes me sound.