I know that just because I feel a certain about various things now, it doesn't mean I'd actually would have felt the same when I was younger. Hindsight is 20/20. Yadda yadda yadda.
TLDR: I am miserably lonely, I have no life or friends, I am often incredibly irritable and depressed a lot, and I have recently started using marijuana.
So, have often struggled with identity, in terms of who I am and who do I want to be. I feel like I lack a clear and confident personality and often feel completely isolated and inadequate around others. I never drank or smoked when I was younger, I never cared for the club/bar scene, and I never developed an interest in most typical "guy things." I have no interest in Sports, cars, tools, hunting, etc. I want to be clear, this isn't me questioning my gender or orientation, I am basically trying to say that I never had much luck relating to others and have social anxiety as a result.
A various mix of reasons kept me from going out much during my 20s, so I don't have a lot of experience going to parties or any other large social gatherings. I basically have been a reclusive introvert with a definite trend towards geek culture.
A lot of that geek cred I am happy to claim. I consider my passion for music to be one of my best strengths and having the geek mentality helped make me more open-minded. Geek culture is a bigger deal now, although it seems to be amongst those half my age the most. I find that most of the things I love the most have just as much value collecting baseball cards or restoring engines. The only part I wish my personality didn't come with? The low self-esteem.
I have very low SE, no confidence whatsoever. I know I am not perfect and that I am also not a total reject. I have to believe that I have value and things to offer someone special. I had to have had something that lead me to actually having been married once. Yet that also means I also have something that has kept me from holding onto that relationship or finding a new one. I feel much of what I am missing is a clearer sense of self.
During my experiences with pot, I find myself really developing a new passion for listening to music and doing nothing else. Laying in the dark and listening to music has become a new nightly ritual. An unfortunate side effect is that this has made me begin reflecting on my ex-wife. Prior to our divorce, she began to use marijuana for medical purposes. She also assembled a new circle of friends, none of which I was allowed to meet. Amongst these new friends was some guy she began spending a lot of time with. I won't waste time speculating as to whether my ex was cheating on me or not. This was a relationship that was formed a few months before I was asked for a divorce. I now think there was happening or was very close to happening. She swears that she and her "best friend" would just get high and listen to music and talk. Whatever, fuck her, she used me and lost her family's respect when she tossed me.
The irony is that I feel like I would have loved to have done that with my ex, back while we were still good. I would love to have someone to do that with now. I actually find myself thinking that maybe, had I had more experience going out with others, trying new things, etc when I was younger, maybe I would have become the kind of person that would have no problem finding myself in more intimate situations. I am not sure if I am explaining that clearly. I basically feel like the type of people I find myself envious of and respecting now, is the kind of person I would be now, had I not wasted my 20s. I now feel like it's hard enough as it is to meet people and make friends as someone in their 40s, pandemic or not. So, trying to break into an entirely new scene at this age and while incredibly shy would be a fruitless effort.
I have not been able to find a social group that I really feel I belong in. I have no means of connecting with others and the internet is not any help. I have looked at every single group on MeetUp and there is not much out there. One group primarily would meet evenings during the week. I work 2nd shift, so I always missed out. I had been meeting with a group of Atheists, but those meetings have stopped and I hadn't really clicked well enough with anyone to stay in touch. It's been the same story all my life. I can meet people and grow comfortable enough to be liked, I can become friendly enough to trade contact information, but I can't make any meaningful relationships gel. I have no close friends I talk to, not a single one. I am not that incredibly close to my family and mostly see them only on holidays. I have no one I confide in and no one outside my family that I trust.
I'm actually high right now and I am starting to lose my train of thought. Basically, I feel like I would be a completely different, had I made different choices. Not a revelation, I mean no shit, I would be different I was different. I basically wish I could be different now. I don't even know where to start and how well it would pan out. I don't like myself now, I don't like being alone with just me, I wish I had this life I have always craved. I wish I could start over. I wish I could really figure out my passion. I wish I had something I could throw myself into and there aren't any active volcanoes close by.