It's been awhile since I have posted any blogs on here. There was a time that I blogged a lot on my old Live Journal page, but I have either grown out of it or just lost interest in venting to an "empty room" as I didn't have any followers. In any case, I am going to just go ahead and share some thoughts I have had on the joys of modern dating, as I am sure I am not the only one struggling to make sense of all the apps and behaviors associated with them.
Long story short; I have gotten married and divorced during my blogging hiatus on here. I was with the ex for almost 8 years total and was married just a month or so shy of five years. I won't re-litigate the specifics of the divorce, but it's been about 15 months since it was finalized and I am now ready to meet someone new and move on with my life. I was never good at meeting people organically as I am socially awkward and fairly inexperienced with a lot of things, so I have always relied on the internet for meeting new people.
When I first met my ex, OLD (online dating) wasn't so complicated. There were less options for sites and apps weren't really a thing yet, so it wasn't as overwhelming as it is now. I have tried at least a dozen different apps and it is almost always the same thing. I may find plenty of appealing women, and that isn't just based on their looks, but what they have to say about themselves and how they say it, but no matter what I say to these women to get a conversation going, I get no replies. If a conversation actually gets started, it quickly stalls out and I will get ghosted. CONFESSION: I have done my share of ghosting in the past, but I am trying to avoid it in the future. I if find myself no longer into a person, I will just have to find a way to express it clearly and politely.
Which brings me to my current policy for OLD. I am not looking for anything super serious at the moment. A second marriage isn't off the table for me, but I never want a second divorce. I have been telling anyone who does talk to me or who looks at my profiles that there are no off-limits topics to discuss. I'd much rather have any potential suitors ask me anything they'd need to know in order to ensure that I am what they might be looking for. I want any deal-breakers and red flags out in the open right away. I don't want to waste anyone's time. That might be too much too soon, but if being honest is a flaw, then I guess I'm flawed.
There then is the matter of my personal beliefs. I am not as Conservative as many of the people in my area are in general. I don't see too many Trump supporters theses days, but I do make it clear that I abhor the "man" and consider myself to be much more Liberal on many social issues. That's not a big problem for the most part as I have seen plenty of anti-Trump women on the various apps. What I don't see many of are non-religious women. I consider myself an Atheist. I won't get into the exact theological explanations here, but I do realize that matters of faith can be very important to people and if a potential date doesn't share the same ideals, well, there isn't much hope for a promising future. I'm not going to shit all over believers, I'm just going to sum it up by saying they probably wouldn't like me.
Add to this my tendencies to be a shy homebody, who likes playing video games and listening to podcasts, my somewhat eclectic taste in music, movies, and television, and the fact that I am not quite sure if I ever want to have kids, and well, not too many women are into that. I have often felt that I don't really fit in anywhere and have never really had many friends, let alone a single best friend, so I have always felt like an oddly-shaped peg and this has been a contributing factor to my ever-present depression and anxiety. I'm saying I know I am not perfect and this is part of why I have always felt inadequate around others. I am trying to improve on these problems, but it doesn't change the fact that I am very lonely.
I decided to get back onto Bumble again since I figured that if women are the ones to initiate contact, that would mean any matches who actually talk to me are somewhat serious about wanting to know more about me. Yes, there are the occasional mistaken matches where someone swiped right on me and didn't mean it. It is discouraging to watch that 24-hour countdown dwindling as the person continues to not say hello, but this time around I have managed to get a handful of conversations going and I even got a couple of phone numbers. Ironically, both women are named, Kate, so that certainly doesn't make it any less (I want to say) ironic?
This handful of women are all more or less similar in appearances and age. Some of them have kids, some of them are spiritual, and some of them live a little further away than I'd like. I am making sure to ask questions about them, to take interest in what they talk about, and to be upfront about the fact that I am talking to other people. I have no idea if anything will come to fruition with any of these ladies. It's a little daunting at best and Mr. Can't-Seal-The-Deal over here is a little apprehensive about screwing it up.
I will say one woman is more, assertive, in her approach to me and has already talked about wanting to meet and she has not shied away from more intimate conversations. I won't lie, it's nice to feel wanted, regardless of the motivations, but I have to make sure I am thinking with the right head here. I don't want to mistake one thing for another. I'll be open-minded for now, but cautious and defensive.
So, yeah. I am back out in the dating pool. Of course, it would all be over if one of the many SG models I have been crushing on for years now, were to suddenly appear in my life and ask me out, but that's another story.