The problem is that I have never trusted my instincts. I am always second-guessing myself. I remember once in high school there was this girl who had a class with me and also one with my sister. She used to always talk to my sister about me, but I didn't know that until I moved away. At the time I was still going to school with her, I had liked her, but I just figured she was only being nice. Had I known she was interested, I'd probably would have asked her out.
The next year, at my new school, I met this other girl who I had two or three classes with. In one class, we always wound up being assigned seats near each other and she always wanted to talk to me. We'd talk about the same music and things like that, so I was convinced there something to this. I asked her out and she turned me down because she wasn't looking for anything at the moment.
The next year I had crushes on girls, but did nothing, even when the hot Italian exchange student told me she had a dream she and I went to prom together. I was also oblivious to why the twins living next door always acted so odd whenever I'd talk to them. I remember asking my mom what the deal was with that and she looked at me and asked, "Are you serious? They like you.", even after hearing that, I still did nothing.
Finally, my senior year, I made up a list of all the girls I knew and liked, most of them were already seeing someone so it was futile. At one point, a girl who I had known, through all my work with the school's theatre productions since moving to that school, started talking to me in a very strange manner. She went on about how you could know someone for so long and not realize your feelings for them until the most unusual times. How you can spend a lot of time working with someone as a friend and then something changes.
I thought she was just asking for advice, simply because she didn't really look at me as she was talking, but I thought there could be a chance she was trying to give me a big hint. So, I naturally asked her out and she turned me down as well, saying she "Was stuck." I didn't know what she meant until I realized her little discussion with me was about some other guy she had suddenly fallen for and this guy was working with me rather closely on the play that year.
After high school I decided to give up on trying to meet someone altogether, every time I thought I had the right idea, I was dead wrong. Like a slap in the face, near the end of my Senior year, I started working at a department store in town, and who should I meet also working there, but on her very last few days? The girl who liked me back in my Freshman year of high school. I didn't know what to say, but she mentioned her boyfriend and how they were both going to the one college near by. I decided to just smile and wish her well.
Then there was nothing for a long time, some of you remember that mess with the girl, whose boyfriend was a co-worker of mine, and how she wanted to fool around with me behind his back. How she made it sound like their relationship was falling apart, but she still didn't want to break up with him, and when I decided I wanted nothing to do with her I became the villain, and about a year later she married the boyfriend.
I didn't have my first meaningful relationship until I was 25 and even then, we weren't that compatible. After we broke up I was a mess and it took me almost two years to finally feel comfortable dating again. Unfortunately the next girl I dated lost interest in me after three months or so and we broke up right around Valentine's Day. I shit you not.
Every girl I have hooked up with since has just not really been into me. One girl and I went on a few dates over a few days and she made it sound like she wanted to take things slow, but the 4th time we hung out, she all but attacked me and we wound up having sex that night. Then her roommate "threw her out" and she had to move back home about 90 minutes away and almost immediately started seeing someone else and stopped returning my calls. Maybe I was just so bad in bed she had to flee the city entirely.
That incident happened almost a year ago now. I did hook up with another girl last year sometime in October or so, but I couldn't believe how much she reminded me of my ex-g/f. I also felt bad because she was a virgin and I knew my heart wasn't totally in it, so when she said how she was waiting for the right time before she had sex, I didn't pressure her into going all the way and was happy to do just about everything but with her. We talked and decided to just stay friends, which has worked out, but we don't see each other anymore. She started dating a guy who is perfect for her, I met him once and was really impressed at how well-matched they are. She said she lost her virginity to him and it was wonderful, so I am happy for her, but I see how good life is for her with him and I almost am envious of that.
I can't even get a fraction of that in my life, I am too old-fashioned and possibly too much of a wuss to start looking for random hook-ups at bars or online as well. Naturally, I am a bit torn here between my heart and my dick. Neither can seem to agree on anything and I am left with nothing every weekend. Sitting home alone every Saturday has grown to be extremely depressing.
The next year, at my new school, I met this other girl who I had two or three classes with. In one class, we always wound up being assigned seats near each other and she always wanted to talk to me. We'd talk about the same music and things like that, so I was convinced there something to this. I asked her out and she turned me down because she wasn't looking for anything at the moment.
The next year I had crushes on girls, but did nothing, even when the hot Italian exchange student told me she had a dream she and I went to prom together. I was also oblivious to why the twins living next door always acted so odd whenever I'd talk to them. I remember asking my mom what the deal was with that and she looked at me and asked, "Are you serious? They like you.", even after hearing that, I still did nothing.
Finally, my senior year, I made up a list of all the girls I knew and liked, most of them were already seeing someone so it was futile. At one point, a girl who I had known, through all my work with the school's theatre productions since moving to that school, started talking to me in a very strange manner. She went on about how you could know someone for so long and not realize your feelings for them until the most unusual times. How you can spend a lot of time working with someone as a friend and then something changes.
I thought she was just asking for advice, simply because she didn't really look at me as she was talking, but I thought there could be a chance she was trying to give me a big hint. So, I naturally asked her out and she turned me down as well, saying she "Was stuck." I didn't know what she meant until I realized her little discussion with me was about some other guy she had suddenly fallen for and this guy was working with me rather closely on the play that year.
After high school I decided to give up on trying to meet someone altogether, every time I thought I had the right idea, I was dead wrong. Like a slap in the face, near the end of my Senior year, I started working at a department store in town, and who should I meet also working there, but on her very last few days? The girl who liked me back in my Freshman year of high school. I didn't know what to say, but she mentioned her boyfriend and how they were both going to the one college near by. I decided to just smile and wish her well.
Then there was nothing for a long time, some of you remember that mess with the girl, whose boyfriend was a co-worker of mine, and how she wanted to fool around with me behind his back. How she made it sound like their relationship was falling apart, but she still didn't want to break up with him, and when I decided I wanted nothing to do with her I became the villain, and about a year later she married the boyfriend.
I didn't have my first meaningful relationship until I was 25 and even then, we weren't that compatible. After we broke up I was a mess and it took me almost two years to finally feel comfortable dating again. Unfortunately the next girl I dated lost interest in me after three months or so and we broke up right around Valentine's Day. I shit you not.
Every girl I have hooked up with since has just not really been into me. One girl and I went on a few dates over a few days and she made it sound like she wanted to take things slow, but the 4th time we hung out, she all but attacked me and we wound up having sex that night. Then her roommate "threw her out" and she had to move back home about 90 minutes away and almost immediately started seeing someone else and stopped returning my calls. Maybe I was just so bad in bed she had to flee the city entirely.
That incident happened almost a year ago now. I did hook up with another girl last year sometime in October or so, but I couldn't believe how much she reminded me of my ex-g/f. I also felt bad because she was a virgin and I knew my heart wasn't totally in it, so when she said how she was waiting for the right time before she had sex, I didn't pressure her into going all the way and was happy to do just about everything but with her. We talked and decided to just stay friends, which has worked out, but we don't see each other anymore. She started dating a guy who is perfect for her, I met him once and was really impressed at how well-matched they are. She said she lost her virginity to him and it was wonderful, so I am happy for her, but I see how good life is for her with him and I almost am envious of that.
I can't even get a fraction of that in my life, I am too old-fashioned and possibly too much of a wuss to start looking for random hook-ups at bars or online as well. Naturally, I am a bit torn here between my heart and my dick. Neither can seem to agree on anything and I am left with nothing every weekend. Sitting home alone every Saturday has grown to be extremely depressing.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
morie:
Well, just remember that you are the only one that can end the vicious cycle. Good luck to you. 
theviscokid:
Thanks. Once I can figure out women, I can then move on to dealing with my family and all the strained relationships there, figuring out where I am going to live and how I will afford rent, trying to decide what it is I want to go back to school for this Fall and if it is even worth going into more debt over, and ultimately just trying to figure out what I am doing with my life.