I think i am going through one of those life/perspective/attitude changing periods of life. Which is always good but always nerve racking. Sometimes i sit back and just try to appreciate how different my life is now from how it was then and sometimes the revelations are inspiring and happy and sometimes they scare the shit out of me. Most of the time I feel like I am rushing my life away and I never have time to just breathe and relax and enjoy being alive in the present. I think that might have to do with this drastic change in climate and lifestyle. In Hawaii everything is slow and mellow, warm and lazy. Eugene is pretty mellow too but i think there must be just a different level of some kind of energy current running through the place that makes me tense and high strung. Maybe its just that I stopped smoking pot.
But being in a new place and meeting new people and doing all this new shit, i have to really just try to find myself in all of it. I feel like before I moved I new exactly who I was all of the time, and here i have to keep reminding myself. Especially because my comfort blankets are in Spain and Santa Cruz, and that feels like being alone in a different universe.
Is it normal to associate so much of yourself in another person? It is odd because it is not something I have ever done with lovers or boyfriends, but these two girls were basically my life for a really long time. I've gone through a lot with them and we were each others stability. I always thought i was exceptionally self reliant until I left them.
But gah. as much as it sucks its probably really good for all of us. To learn to be ourselves without each other.
sometimes though it hits me hard around my stomachal region when i realize that the old times are gone and done and i will never be a child again, and all i can do is remember the feeling and be nostalgic about it.
on a different note, somebody told me today that I was "still a young Idealist"...(fuck you man) but i guess i am...or whatever. Is it unreasonable to have dreams? or hopes? I mean jesus.
The only difference really between idealists and people who have given up is determination. Which i have a lot of....in a general scope..unfortunately not relating to my day to day laziness but relating more to the fact that there are some things that i will just never ever fucking let happen to me.
Balls yo. Big hairy Balls.
at least theres still this
But being in a new place and meeting new people and doing all this new shit, i have to really just try to find myself in all of it. I feel like before I moved I new exactly who I was all of the time, and here i have to keep reminding myself. Especially because my comfort blankets are in Spain and Santa Cruz, and that feels like being alone in a different universe.
Is it normal to associate so much of yourself in another person? It is odd because it is not something I have ever done with lovers or boyfriends, but these two girls were basically my life for a really long time. I've gone through a lot with them and we were each others stability. I always thought i was exceptionally self reliant until I left them.
But gah. as much as it sucks its probably really good for all of us. To learn to be ourselves without each other.
sometimes though it hits me hard around my stomachal region when i realize that the old times are gone and done and i will never be a child again, and all i can do is remember the feeling and be nostalgic about it.
on a different note, somebody told me today that I was "still a young Idealist"...(fuck you man) but i guess i am...or whatever. Is it unreasonable to have dreams? or hopes? I mean jesus.
The only difference really between idealists and people who have given up is determination. Which i have a lot of....in a general scope..unfortunately not relating to my day to day laziness but relating more to the fact that there are some things that i will just never ever fucking let happen to me.
Balls yo. Big hairy Balls.
at least theres still this
The people who refuse to take you seriously often seem to be the ones who take themselves Too seriously. And maybe they're threatened by you, because they probably weren't as smart when they were your age, and they probably aren't as smart as you even now, or as badass. Which can be a little imasculinating for a middle aged man. You have to be careful of their feelings, because middle aged men are fragile creatures.
I know what you mean about the old times gone-ness...sort of. Sometimes I think I have more fun now than I did as a kid. I mean, there are some things I get to do now that you don't do as a kid that are awesome, like have sex and get drunk, but even nixing those pasttimes, it can be just as much fun to roll down a big hill or play pictionary, and I don't cry anymore when I lose. A lot fewer tantrums is nice. Everything gets easier to deal with, but not necessarily less exciting. Sometimes it feels like everyone just allows themselves to get lazy and believe that real fun died with their child-years. But it doesn't! It didn't! It won't!