thetotalm

You guys rock thats all I can say I never in my wildist dreams would have imagined the outpouring of support and concern that I got. You guys really know how to make a guy stand back and say "hey maybe I am doing something right"

I did have to stay at the hospital for a little while (last night and all of today) It wasn't too bad they mainly just had me talk to people, diffrent counselors and doctors. They increased my medication and just finally listend to me insted of just jumping to one conclusion or another.

For example...I'm currently about 10,000 in debt....the reason I"m in so much debt is while I was in the service my then girlfriend said she had Cancer. So I sent her tons of money TONS. She kept me updated every week, until finally her own fucking father called me and said she passed away. He was a drunk and a degenerate gamler so I offered to pay some funeral expenses. When I came back home to see the gravesite.....there was absolutly nothing. I called one of her frineds and she told me it was all a scam. I was so angry and hurt and just generally not a happy person....if I ever see that bitch again I'll sue the shit outta her and her old man.

But thats not everything....another thing is I'm lonely as fuck...yea I have frineds but half the time they forget to call me or just dont answer the phone so I'm shut in the apartment all by myself with no one to talk to all day. Thinking about how broke my sorry ass is and how my life is going no where.

But whats that you say you have a new car (which I can't afford really) All I do is work to pay bills I never really have fun...I barely have money to buy food. It pisses me off. If I ever date again where am I supposed to go McDonalds?? Wtf here. But I'd love to have someone in my life to share it with but do I really want to put them through the potnetial of this?? this is some fucked up shit that I went though and who wants to see someone go though something like this. I mean I would support somebody becuase I"ve been there and back but for someone without depression to see somebody like this. Yea not gonna work.

So I think what I'm gonna do is try to jus tgive this some time and not think so negativly.....I have to have some positves in my life. As for right now I'm going to make a TV dinner and watch the Pats game. Then get some sleep becuae honetly I'm fucking exhausted.

Sorry this is so damn long everyone.

Tony.