WARNING: Long post read at your own risk.
The year was 2001 and I was stationed in 29 palms CA. I was a PFC in the USMC but alas I was too good to just be that. I was also a "squad leader " for a particualr amount of marines. 20 to be exact. Now 20 is a large number but we were in a special platton called MAD platoon (marines awaiting deployment) obviously the deployment was to Iraq.
I did the best I coudl as a squad leader having an open door policy he;ping guys out with credit problems, just talking, if they wanted to talk, anything really I had an open door policy. But deep inside I felt an emptiness I was 10,000 miles away from home, everyday suffing from masssive headaches, waking up and starting my day by puking b/c of al the pils I took to combat said headache...but still I drugeged on. I let guys rack up my cell phone bill b/c for one reason or another they couslnt afford it and quite honestly where we were was misserable. All they had was to call there famially. At that point the Marines had cut off all out leave time becuaes they didn't know when we would deploy (as it turned out the unit I was in waitted over 2 years after I got out.)
So the pressuer started to get to people I tried my best to help but inside I was a physical mess I had stopped eating due to the headaches and pain. But some guys were alot worse...at leaet thats what I told myself....I never took time for me. I just tried to best for them.
Then it happned on Febuary 27 of that same year one of the marines under me pvt robert krizer commited suicide. He was found dead in his barracks by his roommate. I still to this day blame myslef. I was in charge of him.....maybe I should have sent him to eick hall. maybe I shold have done more for him something.
But it didn't stop there. Within 3 months 5 otherr marines committed suicide. either by handing or by pills. I don't think it wsa the Fear of going to War I think it was stress of sitting doing nothing and gdtting reports of "any day now" and constantyl being on edge. Every day calling home and wondering if it will be the last. It really was horrid. I should know I was almost number 7. Fortunitly my roomate found me in time and I was rusehd to the base hospital. Then kept in handcuffs and watched for 24 hours. why in handcuffs I'll never know.
But after that my carrer was ruined my prilages to classetied material was revoked which basically was my job. No firearms, no nothing. The only reason I wasn't given a section 8 is because of the humatnation leave and the red cross.
It's been 3 years and I still kick my ass over this on a weekly basis. I wish wasn't as stup[id as I was ..should I be overseas helping out my reaming friends. Why did I get so depressed. Why am I still depressed.
But I guess this is where that whole lifestyle chage fits in. If I want to chage my life I have to stop blaming myself and just do stuff. I guess I'll always have demons the key is to not let them get to me.
*Thanks all fot finally letting me get this off my chess. While most of you are strangers is still feels damn good to say what I have too. Hopefully the ones that do know me don't think any less of me for having almost taking my own life. While it wasn't the best thing to do I did learn from it to live life even more.*
Tony M
The year was 2001 and I was stationed in 29 palms CA. I was a PFC in the USMC but alas I was too good to just be that. I was also a "squad leader " for a particualr amount of marines. 20 to be exact. Now 20 is a large number but we were in a special platton called MAD platoon (marines awaiting deployment) obviously the deployment was to Iraq.
I did the best I coudl as a squad leader having an open door policy he;ping guys out with credit problems, just talking, if they wanted to talk, anything really I had an open door policy. But deep inside I felt an emptiness I was 10,000 miles away from home, everyday suffing from masssive headaches, waking up and starting my day by puking b/c of al the pils I took to combat said headache...but still I drugeged on. I let guys rack up my cell phone bill b/c for one reason or another they couslnt afford it and quite honestly where we were was misserable. All they had was to call there famially. At that point the Marines had cut off all out leave time becuaes they didn't know when we would deploy (as it turned out the unit I was in waitted over 2 years after I got out.)
So the pressuer started to get to people I tried my best to help but inside I was a physical mess I had stopped eating due to the headaches and pain. But some guys were alot worse...at leaet thats what I told myself....I never took time for me. I just tried to best for them.
Then it happned on Febuary 27 of that same year one of the marines under me pvt robert krizer commited suicide. He was found dead in his barracks by his roommate. I still to this day blame myslef. I was in charge of him.....maybe I should have sent him to eick hall. maybe I shold have done more for him something.
But it didn't stop there. Within 3 months 5 otherr marines committed suicide. either by handing or by pills. I don't think it wsa the Fear of going to War I think it was stress of sitting doing nothing and gdtting reports of "any day now" and constantyl being on edge. Every day calling home and wondering if it will be the last. It really was horrid. I should know I was almost number 7. Fortunitly my roomate found me in time and I was rusehd to the base hospital. Then kept in handcuffs and watched for 24 hours. why in handcuffs I'll never know.
But after that my carrer was ruined my prilages to classetied material was revoked which basically was my job. No firearms, no nothing. The only reason I wasn't given a section 8 is because of the humatnation leave and the red cross.
It's been 3 years and I still kick my ass over this on a weekly basis. I wish wasn't as stup[id as I was ..should I be overseas helping out my reaming friends. Why did I get so depressed. Why am I still depressed.
But I guess this is where that whole lifestyle chage fits in. If I want to chage my life I have to stop blaming myself and just do stuff. I guess I'll always have demons the key is to not let them get to me.
*Thanks all fot finally letting me get this off my chess. While most of you are strangers is still feels damn good to say what I have too. Hopefully the ones that do know me don't think any less of me for having almost taking my own life. While it wasn't the best thing to do I did learn from it to live life even more.*
Tony M
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Im glad your here today to smile with us