thetinz

Sometimes I'd like to think I could be mad... mental, not emotional... But isn't living the way I live like a sort of madness. I hear voices constantly, see things all over the place and there's nothing I can do to make sense of them or make them go away. I feel like the front door of my house is the looking glass and nothing on the other side makes sense. There doesn't seem to be right or reason to any of it. The voices talk of things that just don't register with me. Happiness is my white rabbit. Conversation is the Mad Hatter. It just all seems like nonsense. I can hear what they say, even understand it, but trying to reciprocate it... Might as well be riddles and smoke. Making that human connection, actually comings to terms emotionally with another person is all backward speak sitting on mushrooms. I'd welcome a chance to be mad, at least then I would have an excuse for my complete lack of understanding of the human experience. I could be bounce the padded world with abandon, never needing to step through my looking glass... Mad Hatter... Hatter, Mad again... Hatter Madigan. That'd be better than swirling the smoke above the mushroom groves...
But it seems I can't find anyone.. I don't mean a relationship or a friendship... I mean I can't find a person, even when completely surrounded by voices and faces and meaningless ideals... none of this means anything to me, it's all just background static, white noise. I walk into crowded rooms by myself, and stay that way. I talk at faces and hear mumbled voices, but it never makes that personal connection that two humans should have, it's all just... ataraxic. I can't make friends with faces, with voices... I'd want to meet a person... make a friend, but I've yet to find one...