So. fuck it. update.
New things occuring in my life. First and foremost on my mind is my my self imposed sex strike. I give up. Seriously, this is ridiculous. I won't go into details here too much, but suffice to say i am actively avoiding sex. There are so many people who misrepresent themselves out there. this is a source of continuous surprise and dissappointment to me, due in large to the fact that i always try and make sure i am as forthcoming and honest about my true self and true intentions as possible at every opportunity. There is a world of fake people out there, and that kills me. the thought occured to me the other day that everyone i know is lying to me about something. These are the thoughts that prevent me from sleeping naturally.
i digress. so i have decided that until i am ready and willing to be in a relationship, i should not be sexually active. I am currently incapable and unwilling to be in a commited relationship. There are so many girls that claim that they are in the same boat. But they are lying to me. So it feels unjust to me to get what i want, desire, and need if i am unable to provide what is wanted or needed in return. Until i find a female on the same page as me, or until i am on the same page as most women (girls) i encounter, i won't even bother. We as humans dont need to be like dogs, humping everything we come across. Plus, i am not looking for awkward sex in dark rooms. I am looking for a woman whom i can worship her body, in full light, slowly and deligberately, a goddesss in my mind and in my hands. This doesnt seem to come around. so i wait in my bed alone.
Speaking of my bed, i am changing. i can feel it. My thoughts, feelings and default frame of mind is shifting. I sleep in the middle of my bed now. I havent in ten years. There is noone on the other side, in life or in subconcious thought. I am becoming me, and only me, without the shadow of the partner i need. I am a relationship person, i need another half to be complete. I am becoming complete alone. as close to it as i can be given my personality.
Speaking of complete, I have found out (yesterday)that the life threatening tumor that once resided in my head has returned. I have been on super antibiotics for a month now, and it has not disappeared despite my doctors best hope that it would. So i will require another surgery sometime soon, either the same surgery i had before (this time removing a much larger portion of my skull than was removed last time) or a new surgery which would entail removing all of the parts essential to hearing on my right ear. the eardrum removed, the bones responsible for transferring sound vibrations to the aural nerve would be removed, making my ear canal a direct port into my skull, no stops. I would be irrevocably deaf in my right ear for life. The first option will most likely not work permanently, so i would probably need more surgery, but i would be able to hear. The second option would guarantee deafness but offer a more positive outlook for recovery. I as we speak will never be able to swim or dive without special precaution to keep water out of my ear. ever.
My doctor has told me that quitting smoking now will greatly increase my chances to recover with all my ear shit intact. Given the choice between Cigarettes and stereo hearing, there is no real decision. The difficulty lies in actually quitting. I have only had three cigarettes today, not bad considering wednesday i was at full tilt, about a pack a day. We'll see.
In Body mod news, i have stretched my ears six times in a week. I now have 5/8ths flesh tunnels in my lobes, followed by a 6g captive, and then an 8. Both sides. I sleep on my back now. Which will change Sunday if all goes to plan. Sunday evening after work i will (hopefully) be suspended from four 6g hooks placed in my back. I hate to jinx it, but hopefully Monday i will be one step closer to being the true freak i have always felt i was. Maybe i will update. seems noone really keeps up on here anymore.
Which strikes me as odd, seeing as how i am such a charming, atrractive little freak boy with such a cool profession and so much worthwhile shit to say.. :rolls eyes:
New things occuring in my life. First and foremost on my mind is my my self imposed sex strike. I give up. Seriously, this is ridiculous. I won't go into details here too much, but suffice to say i am actively avoiding sex. There are so many people who misrepresent themselves out there. this is a source of continuous surprise and dissappointment to me, due in large to the fact that i always try and make sure i am as forthcoming and honest about my true self and true intentions as possible at every opportunity. There is a world of fake people out there, and that kills me. the thought occured to me the other day that everyone i know is lying to me about something. These are the thoughts that prevent me from sleeping naturally.
i digress. so i have decided that until i am ready and willing to be in a relationship, i should not be sexually active. I am currently incapable and unwilling to be in a commited relationship. There are so many girls that claim that they are in the same boat. But they are lying to me. So it feels unjust to me to get what i want, desire, and need if i am unable to provide what is wanted or needed in return. Until i find a female on the same page as me, or until i am on the same page as most women (girls) i encounter, i won't even bother. We as humans dont need to be like dogs, humping everything we come across. Plus, i am not looking for awkward sex in dark rooms. I am looking for a woman whom i can worship her body, in full light, slowly and deligberately, a goddesss in my mind and in my hands. This doesnt seem to come around. so i wait in my bed alone.
Speaking of my bed, i am changing. i can feel it. My thoughts, feelings and default frame of mind is shifting. I sleep in the middle of my bed now. I havent in ten years. There is noone on the other side, in life or in subconcious thought. I am becoming me, and only me, without the shadow of the partner i need. I am a relationship person, i need another half to be complete. I am becoming complete alone. as close to it as i can be given my personality.
Speaking of complete, I have found out (yesterday)that the life threatening tumor that once resided in my head has returned. I have been on super antibiotics for a month now, and it has not disappeared despite my doctors best hope that it would. So i will require another surgery sometime soon, either the same surgery i had before (this time removing a much larger portion of my skull than was removed last time) or a new surgery which would entail removing all of the parts essential to hearing on my right ear. the eardrum removed, the bones responsible for transferring sound vibrations to the aural nerve would be removed, making my ear canal a direct port into my skull, no stops. I would be irrevocably deaf in my right ear for life. The first option will most likely not work permanently, so i would probably need more surgery, but i would be able to hear. The second option would guarantee deafness but offer a more positive outlook for recovery. I as we speak will never be able to swim or dive without special precaution to keep water out of my ear. ever.
My doctor has told me that quitting smoking now will greatly increase my chances to recover with all my ear shit intact. Given the choice between Cigarettes and stereo hearing, there is no real decision. The difficulty lies in actually quitting. I have only had three cigarettes today, not bad considering wednesday i was at full tilt, about a pack a day. We'll see.
In Body mod news, i have stretched my ears six times in a week. I now have 5/8ths flesh tunnels in my lobes, followed by a 6g captive, and then an 8. Both sides. I sleep on my back now. Which will change Sunday if all goes to plan. Sunday evening after work i will (hopefully) be suspended from four 6g hooks placed in my back. I hate to jinx it, but hopefully Monday i will be one step closer to being the true freak i have always felt i was. Maybe i will update. seems noone really keeps up on here anymore.
Which strikes me as odd, seeing as how i am such a charming, atrractive little freak boy with such a cool profession and so much worthwhile shit to say.. :rolls eyes:
i admire that.