(I started writing this because it was all the things i wanted to say but couldnt, to get it out, to remember, to cry, to hopefully give myself some closure, some rest. I wrote it because it was what i was feeling at the time.
But then i realized that this was something we have almost all been through, and that there were people making the same mistakes i had, probably people making these mistakes as i hunched over my keyboard, writing of my pain and faliure. And that maybe that it could help people realize what they were doing, to make them think, make them change the course i was on and failed to get off of. I realized that my pain might be avoidable for someone else. Noone should feel like i am feeling right now.
Guys, if you have a girl, and you love her, read this, and see the mistakes i made in love and in life. I have lost someone who meant the world to me, and i can't even tell her that now. Don't do what i've done, if you love her, tell her. If you need her, tell her. Tell her how beautiful she is in your eyes. make her see herself the way you view her. make her feel as special as you deep down you know she is. Don't hurt her because you are mad, don't leave her because you know she'll be there when you come back, don't take her or your love for granted. I did, and now i'm paying for it. I made my bed, and now i lie in it. alone. She is gone.
Tell her before she is gone too. Don't let her go. I did, and i will live to regret it. Forever.
I hope this helps someone out there. If i could save one relationship between two people that really love each other, than losing her wasn't completely in vain. Succeed where i failed. if for no reason other than to save yourself the pain i am now feeling for my inabiltiy to make it work. I wish someone could have made me see it before it was too late, because now it is.
Most of you have never seen me like this, or known me to be like this. This will be a rare glimpse into something i can't seem to show even the ones closest to me. Maybe this will make others understand me a little better, so maybe it will benefit me as well as others. I hope it helps some one. That it wasnt all a waste.
Jason Hinchee 10/23/06)
Do you remember the nights when we made dinner for each other? the night I made fried chicken and all that other fried shit, and we watched Panic Room, just the two of us? we set up the tv trays and ate, just us two, like a couple, like the rest of the world wasn't invited to our dinner? Or the night you made sushi and we watched raising arizona, and there was soup, and everything. again, we set up the trays and had a nice dinner, just us. These are the times i miss so badly, the times when we felt like a couple, like, the rest of our lives we would do this everyday, and be happy. just us. noone else. you and me against the world. like we were US. one person in two bodies, nothing could ever come between us.and then we would go upstairs and lay together, maybe make love, but just lay together. I remember watching you sleep, and thinking how lucky i was to have such a beautiful girl next to me, in love with me. Back when you didnt drink every night, back when i wasn't so angry and cold, back when i felt the warmth in my heart, the feeling only you brought to me, the feeling that you were mine, and nothing else mattered.
These are the times i miss. So much. every day. these are the things i want to say to you, to send you, to remind you. because i want you to remember with me, and to be as sad as i am. to feel how deeply painful these memeories are now that you arent here. But i shouldnt. i shouldnt make you remember. i shouldnt want you to hurt. I shouldnt want you to feel like i feel. So i don't say them to you, i don't make you remember, i don't make you hurt.
so i suffer alone. truly alone. I think i will be alone for as long as you arent here. I know i will always feel alone without you next to me.
This is what i mean when i say that i have to be the tough guy, i have to be the cold one, i have to be the one to do all the hard things to do, say the hard things to say, and suffer these things alone.I always had to be the one to break up with you, when it needed to be done, and i knew you felt it to, but couldnt do it. I had to be strong. Because for whatever reason, no matter how unfair, and hurtful that reason is, we cant be together, don't belong together. It seems so cruel of whoever put me here to allow me to meet you, to love you, to miss you so much, to have ever met you if i wasnt supposed to be able to make it work. I almost wish i had never met you, never seen your face, because this hurts so much. I know what romeo meant when he said he was fortunes foe. I feel like god or whomever put you here to be with me, but made it so we couldnt possibly ever make it work. and it makes me wonder what kind of power would be so cruel. COULD be so cruel.
these are the things i feel, but i cannot tell you these things, because i know we cannot be together, and these thoughts make it so hard to follow through with the ending. I don't want you to hurt as much as i do, i never wanted you to hurt. I always tried to protect you from pain, and in doing so, i hurt you in the process. I couldnt tell you these things, because it would hurt you, but in not telling you how i feel i hurt you by being so cold.
here are a few things i wish i had told you more when we were together. I love you. I do. so much. You always were beautiful, painfully so.that why i took so many pictures of you. Thats why i had a whole album of pictures of you. i never had a whole album of pictures of any other girl, any other person. Because i really did think you were the most beautiful girl on the planet. I think i still think that. You are smart, you are smart in such a way that i never understood it. sometimes you had trouble with the simplest things, but you could figure some things out so quickly, and in a different way than anyone else i knew could have. i never met anyone who's mind works the way yours did. it always amazed me. you always could surprise me with how brilliant you were.
And you were funny. god, you were so funny. You made me laugh so hard, i've never met anyone that could crack me up the way you can. all those times i acted like you were making me mad with how ridiculous you were acting, i was trying so hard not to laugh. I never met anyone as crazy as you. the things you would say, the things you would do, i never knew where the fuck you came up with them. you always kept me on my toes, and sometimes i would be completely baffled at where the fuck this shit came from. and i loved you so much more for it. Jesus, i miss those times when you would just say something so completely off the wall, and you would just laugh while i stared at you stupefied. and you would just laugh, and your whole face would light up. Those eyes. those eyes will haunt my dreams for an eternity.
And you were so fucking witty. noone could ever cut me down like you. It hurt, but i was always so awestruck on how scathing and cutting your remarks were. they cut right to the bone. and despite the fact that it upset me, i always admired your ability to do that. i would get so mad, and so jealous that i could never do that, to hurt you with a simple sentence as badly as you could hurt me. and i would try, and i would fail, and i would get angry at my failure, and cross the line and say something that i knew would be so hurtful, to strike back, to make you feel the hurt i felt. But inside i was always thinking "good one"...
I did want to marry you. Do want to marry you. i want my children to have you for their mother. I want a little girl that looks just like you, she truly would be the most beautiful girl in the world for me. I want her to grow up, and remind me of you, i want her, because it would almost be like watching you grow up all over again. i always wanted to fix all the things that were done to you when you were a little girl. i always wanted to go back and erase all the hurt everyone ever did to you. and to have a little girls with here mom's eyes and beautiful golden hair would almost be like doing that. i wanted to have children who you could share yourself with them, so that hopefully they would be a little like you, and there would be more than person like you on the planet, and they would love me too. i wanted to grow old with you, to watch you grow, with me, as we grew older and wiser together. I wanted to sit with you on a porch swing and watch our grandchildren play in the yard. I wanted you to spoil them and tell them crazy stories so that they could surpirise me as much as you did. i wanted you to make me feel stupid, and make me so frustrated, and to make me bite my lip, and watch you sleep for another 50 years. i wanted to dance with you at our wedding, and not do it again for 50 years until we were so old we could barely stand up while a roomful of people family and friends watched and said to one another, "look at how much they love each other. even after all this time, that is so cute" But we wouldnt evn notice the roomful of people whispering, we would be so caught up in each other that the rest of the world disappeared. for just one dance. i wanted to see the end of the world with you. i would never remarry if you left the world before me, and if i beat you to it ( i bet i woulda) i would have stood and watched the gates for you to cross after me, to find me in the place where we spent the rest of time.
And i wanted all the years inbetween, all the love, all the fights, the times we couldnt stand each other, and all the times we cried together, and all the night we just lay next to each other, and i felt like this was where i was meant to be, complete, and on the right path. I wanted all of these things. But i was so afraid. of so many things. Of missing out on life, of losing you, of the pain and the patience and the scary nights, and of the jealosy, and the envy, and the lies, and the deceit, and that maybe you really were the one i was meant for, my soulmate. i dont know why that scared me. But i was always so careful, so scared, so fucking numb and distant. I wanted to blame you for all the things wrong in my life, i wanted to feel like you were the cause of all the problems in the relationship. I wanted to tell you i loved you. every day. i wanted to tell you i needed you. every day. I wanted to tell you you were beautiful. every day. i felt these things everyday, but it always came out "see you later" or "get up, your late" or "were you planning on doing that, or were you gonna make me" or "hurry up" or "just go" or "shut up" or "stop that" or "leave me alone". I dont know who the fuck was translating between my heart and my brain, but the message always got garbled, messed up, and filled with some negative emotion.
So I want you to do this for me. for every hurtful thing i said, for every painful memory, i want you to replace all the things i said to hurt you with "you look beautiful today" or "I miss you" or "i was thinking of you", "i need you" or "i love you". i know it will be hard to replace the mean things with the other sentences, but i want you to try, because that was what i was really thinking all of those times. and i don't know why i couldnt say it. and i 'm so sorry for it.
I know it's over, and i know it can never be the same, and that all the pain will never be able to be taken back, but i also know that in a perfect world, we would still be together, because we were born for it, it why we were put here. I know we can't make it work, but i wish so much that we could. i miss you so much, and i am so sorry that i couldnt make you see that. You were never the whole problem, i'm sorry i tried to make you feel that way, because i wasn't trying to convince you, i was always trying to convince myself.
I wish i could say that i have been making progress in getting better, that i have become a better person since you've been gone, that i was honoring your memory by improving myself in the the things that made it fall apart, but the truth is i havent. I haven't gotten any better, i am not not improving, so i guess that shows that i don't truly have remorse for the horrible things i never wanted to do to you but i did anyway. It's just seems so pointless to fix me without you. so pointless to be the the man i always wanted to be for you if you arent around to see it. I dont want to be better if i cant have you. I dont want to be without you. I don't want to BE. without you. I'm so sorry that i havent even fixed the things that killed us even after the relationship is dead. I don't know how. If i couldnt be that person for you, while i had you and wanted so badly to be that person for you, to be perfect because you deserved all the best, how could i now that i have no reason to. I know i'm supposed to want to be this person for myself, but i never wanted anything for myself, i just wanted to make you happy. Give you the world, and make everything ok.
I used to give you so much shit for drinking. I used to think it was the cause of all the trouble. It never occured to me that i could be partly responsible for the drinking, nevermind the problems i blamed on the drinking. Maybe if i had just told you i loved you more, brought you on dates more, spent more time just us, bought you more gifts, and just showed you how much you really meant to me (still mean to me) you wouldnt have felt the need to drink so much. maybe. just maybe. I think it's possible, because i remember those times, when it was just us, just the two, and you never were drunk in those memories. and i was never angry, cold or distant. we were both just so happy to be with each other, we didnt need anything else. So maybe, if i had made more memories like those, we would be sharing them together right now, instead of me remembering them alone, crying for hours in front of a keyboard. Maybe we would be in bed, whispering to each other about them, our faces way too close to each others, remembering these things in a good way. Instead i suffer. alone. And i know it's my fault. and that makes it so much harder. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry.
I'm not trying to make up. i'm not trying to get you to come back. I know it's over. I know it has to be. The relationship was never healthy, and i think it was terminal from the beginning. I don't think it was ever supposed to work. i don't think it ever could. we were meant to fail. But it feels like we were meant to be together as well. I'm sorry to say that even though it feels like we were meant to be together,i still feel like you are my soulmate, i don't believe that we were. But again, this is not an apology, not meant to get you back, not meant to hurt you, i doubt you will ever even see it. I wrote this because i can finally say the things i alwys wanted to say, and tell you the things i always wanted to tell, you, but couldnt. And i couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I do love you, i do need you, i do miss you. you are beautiful. and smart. and funny. and i wanted to spent etenity with you. I love you. I want to say it over and over, but it's too late. i lost my chance.I love you. maybe if i had said it more, i still could. I love you. Goodbye. I love you. Thank you.
I love you.
But then i realized that this was something we have almost all been through, and that there were people making the same mistakes i had, probably people making these mistakes as i hunched over my keyboard, writing of my pain and faliure. And that maybe that it could help people realize what they were doing, to make them think, make them change the course i was on and failed to get off of. I realized that my pain might be avoidable for someone else. Noone should feel like i am feeling right now.
Guys, if you have a girl, and you love her, read this, and see the mistakes i made in love and in life. I have lost someone who meant the world to me, and i can't even tell her that now. Don't do what i've done, if you love her, tell her. If you need her, tell her. Tell her how beautiful she is in your eyes. make her see herself the way you view her. make her feel as special as you deep down you know she is. Don't hurt her because you are mad, don't leave her because you know she'll be there when you come back, don't take her or your love for granted. I did, and now i'm paying for it. I made my bed, and now i lie in it. alone. She is gone.
Tell her before she is gone too. Don't let her go. I did, and i will live to regret it. Forever.
I hope this helps someone out there. If i could save one relationship between two people that really love each other, than losing her wasn't completely in vain. Succeed where i failed. if for no reason other than to save yourself the pain i am now feeling for my inabiltiy to make it work. I wish someone could have made me see it before it was too late, because now it is.
Most of you have never seen me like this, or known me to be like this. This will be a rare glimpse into something i can't seem to show even the ones closest to me. Maybe this will make others understand me a little better, so maybe it will benefit me as well as others. I hope it helps some one. That it wasnt all a waste.
Jason Hinchee 10/23/06)
Do you remember the nights when we made dinner for each other? the night I made fried chicken and all that other fried shit, and we watched Panic Room, just the two of us? we set up the tv trays and ate, just us two, like a couple, like the rest of the world wasn't invited to our dinner? Or the night you made sushi and we watched raising arizona, and there was soup, and everything. again, we set up the trays and had a nice dinner, just us. These are the times i miss so badly, the times when we felt like a couple, like, the rest of our lives we would do this everyday, and be happy. just us. noone else. you and me against the world. like we were US. one person in two bodies, nothing could ever come between us.and then we would go upstairs and lay together, maybe make love, but just lay together. I remember watching you sleep, and thinking how lucky i was to have such a beautiful girl next to me, in love with me. Back when you didnt drink every night, back when i wasn't so angry and cold, back when i felt the warmth in my heart, the feeling only you brought to me, the feeling that you were mine, and nothing else mattered.
These are the times i miss. So much. every day. these are the things i want to say to you, to send you, to remind you. because i want you to remember with me, and to be as sad as i am. to feel how deeply painful these memeories are now that you arent here. But i shouldnt. i shouldnt make you remember. i shouldnt want you to hurt. I shouldnt want you to feel like i feel. So i don't say them to you, i don't make you remember, i don't make you hurt.
so i suffer alone. truly alone. I think i will be alone for as long as you arent here. I know i will always feel alone without you next to me.
This is what i mean when i say that i have to be the tough guy, i have to be the cold one, i have to be the one to do all the hard things to do, say the hard things to say, and suffer these things alone.I always had to be the one to break up with you, when it needed to be done, and i knew you felt it to, but couldnt do it. I had to be strong. Because for whatever reason, no matter how unfair, and hurtful that reason is, we cant be together, don't belong together. It seems so cruel of whoever put me here to allow me to meet you, to love you, to miss you so much, to have ever met you if i wasnt supposed to be able to make it work. I almost wish i had never met you, never seen your face, because this hurts so much. I know what romeo meant when he said he was fortunes foe. I feel like god or whomever put you here to be with me, but made it so we couldnt possibly ever make it work. and it makes me wonder what kind of power would be so cruel. COULD be so cruel.
these are the things i feel, but i cannot tell you these things, because i know we cannot be together, and these thoughts make it so hard to follow through with the ending. I don't want you to hurt as much as i do, i never wanted you to hurt. I always tried to protect you from pain, and in doing so, i hurt you in the process. I couldnt tell you these things, because it would hurt you, but in not telling you how i feel i hurt you by being so cold.
here are a few things i wish i had told you more when we were together. I love you. I do. so much. You always were beautiful, painfully so.that why i took so many pictures of you. Thats why i had a whole album of pictures of you. i never had a whole album of pictures of any other girl, any other person. Because i really did think you were the most beautiful girl on the planet. I think i still think that. You are smart, you are smart in such a way that i never understood it. sometimes you had trouble with the simplest things, but you could figure some things out so quickly, and in a different way than anyone else i knew could have. i never met anyone who's mind works the way yours did. it always amazed me. you always could surprise me with how brilliant you were.
And you were funny. god, you were so funny. You made me laugh so hard, i've never met anyone that could crack me up the way you can. all those times i acted like you were making me mad with how ridiculous you were acting, i was trying so hard not to laugh. I never met anyone as crazy as you. the things you would say, the things you would do, i never knew where the fuck you came up with them. you always kept me on my toes, and sometimes i would be completely baffled at where the fuck this shit came from. and i loved you so much more for it. Jesus, i miss those times when you would just say something so completely off the wall, and you would just laugh while i stared at you stupefied. and you would just laugh, and your whole face would light up. Those eyes. those eyes will haunt my dreams for an eternity.
And you were so fucking witty. noone could ever cut me down like you. It hurt, but i was always so awestruck on how scathing and cutting your remarks were. they cut right to the bone. and despite the fact that it upset me, i always admired your ability to do that. i would get so mad, and so jealous that i could never do that, to hurt you with a simple sentence as badly as you could hurt me. and i would try, and i would fail, and i would get angry at my failure, and cross the line and say something that i knew would be so hurtful, to strike back, to make you feel the hurt i felt. But inside i was always thinking "good one"...
I did want to marry you. Do want to marry you. i want my children to have you for their mother. I want a little girl that looks just like you, she truly would be the most beautiful girl in the world for me. I want her to grow up, and remind me of you, i want her, because it would almost be like watching you grow up all over again. i always wanted to fix all the things that were done to you when you were a little girl. i always wanted to go back and erase all the hurt everyone ever did to you. and to have a little girls with here mom's eyes and beautiful golden hair would almost be like doing that. i wanted to have children who you could share yourself with them, so that hopefully they would be a little like you, and there would be more than person like you on the planet, and they would love me too. i wanted to grow old with you, to watch you grow, with me, as we grew older and wiser together. I wanted to sit with you on a porch swing and watch our grandchildren play in the yard. I wanted you to spoil them and tell them crazy stories so that they could surpirise me as much as you did. i wanted you to make me feel stupid, and make me so frustrated, and to make me bite my lip, and watch you sleep for another 50 years. i wanted to dance with you at our wedding, and not do it again for 50 years until we were so old we could barely stand up while a roomful of people family and friends watched and said to one another, "look at how much they love each other. even after all this time, that is so cute" But we wouldnt evn notice the roomful of people whispering, we would be so caught up in each other that the rest of the world disappeared. for just one dance. i wanted to see the end of the world with you. i would never remarry if you left the world before me, and if i beat you to it ( i bet i woulda) i would have stood and watched the gates for you to cross after me, to find me in the place where we spent the rest of time.
And i wanted all the years inbetween, all the love, all the fights, the times we couldnt stand each other, and all the times we cried together, and all the night we just lay next to each other, and i felt like this was where i was meant to be, complete, and on the right path. I wanted all of these things. But i was so afraid. of so many things. Of missing out on life, of losing you, of the pain and the patience and the scary nights, and of the jealosy, and the envy, and the lies, and the deceit, and that maybe you really were the one i was meant for, my soulmate. i dont know why that scared me. But i was always so careful, so scared, so fucking numb and distant. I wanted to blame you for all the things wrong in my life, i wanted to feel like you were the cause of all the problems in the relationship. I wanted to tell you i loved you. every day. i wanted to tell you i needed you. every day. I wanted to tell you you were beautiful. every day. i felt these things everyday, but it always came out "see you later" or "get up, your late" or "were you planning on doing that, or were you gonna make me" or "hurry up" or "just go" or "shut up" or "stop that" or "leave me alone". I dont know who the fuck was translating between my heart and my brain, but the message always got garbled, messed up, and filled with some negative emotion.
So I want you to do this for me. for every hurtful thing i said, for every painful memory, i want you to replace all the things i said to hurt you with "you look beautiful today" or "I miss you" or "i was thinking of you", "i need you" or "i love you". i know it will be hard to replace the mean things with the other sentences, but i want you to try, because that was what i was really thinking all of those times. and i don't know why i couldnt say it. and i 'm so sorry for it.
I know it's over, and i know it can never be the same, and that all the pain will never be able to be taken back, but i also know that in a perfect world, we would still be together, because we were born for it, it why we were put here. I know we can't make it work, but i wish so much that we could. i miss you so much, and i am so sorry that i couldnt make you see that. You were never the whole problem, i'm sorry i tried to make you feel that way, because i wasn't trying to convince you, i was always trying to convince myself.
I wish i could say that i have been making progress in getting better, that i have become a better person since you've been gone, that i was honoring your memory by improving myself in the the things that made it fall apart, but the truth is i havent. I haven't gotten any better, i am not not improving, so i guess that shows that i don't truly have remorse for the horrible things i never wanted to do to you but i did anyway. It's just seems so pointless to fix me without you. so pointless to be the the man i always wanted to be for you if you arent around to see it. I dont want to be better if i cant have you. I dont want to be without you. I don't want to BE. without you. I'm so sorry that i havent even fixed the things that killed us even after the relationship is dead. I don't know how. If i couldnt be that person for you, while i had you and wanted so badly to be that person for you, to be perfect because you deserved all the best, how could i now that i have no reason to. I know i'm supposed to want to be this person for myself, but i never wanted anything for myself, i just wanted to make you happy. Give you the world, and make everything ok.
I used to give you so much shit for drinking. I used to think it was the cause of all the trouble. It never occured to me that i could be partly responsible for the drinking, nevermind the problems i blamed on the drinking. Maybe if i had just told you i loved you more, brought you on dates more, spent more time just us, bought you more gifts, and just showed you how much you really meant to me (still mean to me) you wouldnt have felt the need to drink so much. maybe. just maybe. I think it's possible, because i remember those times, when it was just us, just the two, and you never were drunk in those memories. and i was never angry, cold or distant. we were both just so happy to be with each other, we didnt need anything else. So maybe, if i had made more memories like those, we would be sharing them together right now, instead of me remembering them alone, crying for hours in front of a keyboard. Maybe we would be in bed, whispering to each other about them, our faces way too close to each others, remembering these things in a good way. Instead i suffer. alone. And i know it's my fault. and that makes it so much harder. I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry.
I'm not trying to make up. i'm not trying to get you to come back. I know it's over. I know it has to be. The relationship was never healthy, and i think it was terminal from the beginning. I don't think it was ever supposed to work. i don't think it ever could. we were meant to fail. But it feels like we were meant to be together as well. I'm sorry to say that even though it feels like we were meant to be together,i still feel like you are my soulmate, i don't believe that we were. But again, this is not an apology, not meant to get you back, not meant to hurt you, i doubt you will ever even see it. I wrote this because i can finally say the things i alwys wanted to say, and tell you the things i always wanted to tell, you, but couldnt. And i couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I do love you, i do need you, i do miss you. you are beautiful. and smart. and funny. and i wanted to spent etenity with you. I love you. I want to say it over and over, but it's too late. i lost my chance.I love you. maybe if i had said it more, i still could. I love you. Goodbye. I love you. Thank you.
I love you.