I wonder if this is my only place to be weak anywhere. I don't allow myself to show anything of this in front of my family, friends or loved ones. So, whoever ends up responding, shaking their head or even reading. Thank you. I may not be a beautiful woman with tattoos but I am a person like anyone else here. Thank you.
Recently I have been getting back in touch with my Ex. She messaged me one morning telling me "Thank you" for buying her niece her favorite toy. Her niece had been playing it for near the year we had been apart. That it was her favorite toy and her favorite blanket. Which was one that my mother had made for the both of them. It was the first text message I had gotten from her in a years time. A lot had changed in me as a person since then but it all came back so quick between us. We talked, became friends, I forgave her and....we stayed friends. We talked most of the day and the talked most the next day....We did this for sometime until she came to see me for the first time in close to a year.
It all came back so quickly. The smile I had thought I lost, the warm feeling of making someone special of mine to laugh. It was so easy to fall back into it. Except we didn't because she was still going out with her boyfriend that she started seeing soon after we broke up. It wasn't because of my own self will either. It was her own self will conflicting with the fact that she was in a rough patch with her boyfriend. I didn't think about that. I just wanted to kiss those lips that I had not seen in such a long time. I was weak.
She thankfully walked away that day but I continued to get messages from her. Saying sweet things that made me confused. That made me realize how I treated her as special as I could. I never lied to her, I was always patient, I never tried to control her, and that I always loved her with all my heart. She was fighting with her boyfriend and from what I could tell he never treated the way I did. I don't know if he loves her or not. That's something she would be able to tell you but he didn't love her the same way I did. With patience, understanding and kindness.
Finally, today on Valentines Day I saw her again on the spur of a moment. We drove out to out special spot where we sat and ate. We had stopped beforehand to buy coffee and the chocolate caramel muffin to try out that we have both been curious about this entire time. We talked about normal things as friends do. It was as if we were just the way back to what we were before. Boyfriend and girlfriend, close and laughing the entire time.
It wasn't until I got back to my home that I finally got my present from her that I so desperately needed for close to a year. Closure. We talked about what happened before, what happened recently and what about the future. I asked her how long she waited for out relationship ended before she started dating again. "A month and a half." She told me. I'm sure it was shorter than that but for her to confirm that after we stopped dating because she couldn't juggle a boyfriend. It hurt. We said so many important and special things to each other the time we went out. For her to quickly move on to the next man just hurt.
That's when I told her. "Nothing about this is fair. To you, to me and to him. We can stay friends but I don't think we can spend time like we are best friends." I didn't trust myself around her. I couldn't guarantee that I was going to be able to to kiss her one day. To hold her like I did. We both knew it was true. She gave me the closure that I needed for such a long time. To confirm my worst fears, to talk with her as honestly as I could and to give me the strength to walk away for the last time. Not from her but to walk away from the possibility of her and me ever happening in the future again.
She gave me the best Valentine's present I could ask from anyone. The ability to hopefully love someone as much as I loved her. She gave me the strength to let go of so much now before I leave.
If you are reading this and you can make sense of my rambling....Thank you for taking the time.
