I found a song just recently that captures how I am feeling lately. I have been becoming melancholy during the nights before bed. It's strange but most of it comes from too much thinking. I think about my day and if I have done well with the time I am given. I think about my Ex who for some reason I have split a while back that I just can't get over. Then I think about my friend who I think I am developing real feelings for but she is Muslim and I am Catholic. We both say such important things to each other but we both know how much struggle will come from this.
The worse part is me going to my bed in Washington winters alone. It's warm enough if I throw enough blankets on but I know it would be warmer with another body there. There have been some amazing people both in my life and on here that have told me wonderful advice. That I should spend this time on me and allow other things to come naturally. I would be lying if I didn't feel some sense of longing to have that space next to me filled.
All I can do now is focus on myself and my family. I run a lot now. Three days a week I go out for runs which make up 15+ miles each week. The I go to the gym to lift on days that I do not run. It's good to have this focus in my life right now. I have never been healthy before. Now I can see those changes in my body each week when I look at the scale. See that I am turning into someone who I don't recognize but feel that should have been there all along.
I know I blather or maybe repeat too much of the same stuff here on my blog. But for once I am doing this for myself more than anything. I need to find a way to talk to someone or something. I have always kept myself closed off not willing to show any sign of emotional weakness. I have venues to speak to people here in real life but I feel that makes me weak.
Anyway, here is the song! The Glitchmob- Starve the Ego, Feed the Soul
