In The Future...
by Manny Truant
A new type of chewing gum will make brushing your teeth obsolete. Unfortunately a recall is made because the starting line-up flavor, "Citricinnimon", tastes like dog vomit and grandma toes.
"7-11" and "ampm" will combine into one giant conglomerate and expand their business to become the first "Convenient Department" store. Of course, the next logical action they take is to rename themselves "7am-11pm". Ironically, their longest store hours will be 9am-10pm. They will become bigger than "Wal-Mart" and "K-Mart", but not as big as the colossal warmonger, "Starbucks-Mart".
The head of Matt Groening will create a Futurama spin-off called "Pasturama". It fails miserably in the ratings, but gains a cult following. The cult will be wanted by the authorites for illegal human, animal, and android sacrifice rituals.
Square Enix introduces a new virtual reality game called "Tetriz". The company is scrutinized by some for being unoriginal and douche-like, but the game sells 2 billion units within 6 months anyway. It kicks ass, seriously, you guys should try this.
"Kitalin" replaces Ritalin as the leading prescription for individuals with ADHD. Later, reports reveal that the drugs are made in part by the bone marrow of apathetic little children, coining the phrase "Kitalin is made out of kids!" Everybody has a good laugh and moves on.
Space ships able to traverse the galaxy at light speed will be made available to the common man. We still won't have flying cars.
The 4th dimension has been discovered, but it looks like something out of a Teletubbies episode and is destroyed accordingly.
In CZN (Celebrity Zombie News), Michael Jackson will become the first zombie criminally charged for sex with a minor. Joan Rivers becomes the first zombie to annoy the hell out of everybody. And Rodney Dangerfield will become the first vegetarian zombie, and thus, he is never given respect afterwards. Also, Pamela Lee's tits start the "Breasts Against Blondes" movement.
The science fiction horror movie, "Event Horizon," is remade by a descendant of Uwe Boll. It wins an oscar for best comedy.
Through genetic research, the nocturnal species, "Mole-People," is created. They serve no purpose other than to construct extravagant underground cities. It was believed that they were conspiring against their creators in a plot to overthrow humanity, when, in fact, they just like to whisper a lot.
And lastly, this article will not exist. Nevertheless, these events will come to pass, and I will be hailed as the only legit "Net Psychic", besides Mr. Cleo and Tammy the Psychic Stripper. Ultimately, Tammy will make more money than either of us by selling out and doing Starbucks-Mart commercials.
This article has been brought to you by The House Laziness Built. If it ain't lazy, you're probably yuppie scum and I hate you.
(I saw a commercial with a chick who said she's not a smoker cus she only smokes 2 cigs a day when she goes outside. When you start smoking a pack a day is when she considers you a smoker. Once again she says she's not a smoker. Then in big red letters, a caption says "YOU'RE A SMOKER. UNDO THE HABIT.")
I feel so fuckin guilty now... I don't think I'll recover.
by Manny Truant
A new type of chewing gum will make brushing your teeth obsolete. Unfortunately a recall is made because the starting line-up flavor, "Citricinnimon", tastes like dog vomit and grandma toes.
"7-11" and "ampm" will combine into one giant conglomerate and expand their business to become the first "Convenient Department" store. Of course, the next logical action they take is to rename themselves "7am-11pm". Ironically, their longest store hours will be 9am-10pm. They will become bigger than "Wal-Mart" and "K-Mart", but not as big as the colossal warmonger, "Starbucks-Mart".
The head of Matt Groening will create a Futurama spin-off called "Pasturama". It fails miserably in the ratings, but gains a cult following. The cult will be wanted by the authorites for illegal human, animal, and android sacrifice rituals.
Square Enix introduces a new virtual reality game called "Tetriz". The company is scrutinized by some for being unoriginal and douche-like, but the game sells 2 billion units within 6 months anyway. It kicks ass, seriously, you guys should try this.
"Kitalin" replaces Ritalin as the leading prescription for individuals with ADHD. Later, reports reveal that the drugs are made in part by the bone marrow of apathetic little children, coining the phrase "Kitalin is made out of kids!" Everybody has a good laugh and moves on.
Space ships able to traverse the galaxy at light speed will be made available to the common man. We still won't have flying cars.
The 4th dimension has been discovered, but it looks like something out of a Teletubbies episode and is destroyed accordingly.
In CZN (Celebrity Zombie News), Michael Jackson will become the first zombie criminally charged for sex with a minor. Joan Rivers becomes the first zombie to annoy the hell out of everybody. And Rodney Dangerfield will become the first vegetarian zombie, and thus, he is never given respect afterwards. Also, Pamela Lee's tits start the "Breasts Against Blondes" movement.
The science fiction horror movie, "Event Horizon," is remade by a descendant of Uwe Boll. It wins an oscar for best comedy.
Through genetic research, the nocturnal species, "Mole-People," is created. They serve no purpose other than to construct extravagant underground cities. It was believed that they were conspiring against their creators in a plot to overthrow humanity, when, in fact, they just like to whisper a lot.
And lastly, this article will not exist. Nevertheless, these events will come to pass, and I will be hailed as the only legit "Net Psychic", besides Mr. Cleo and Tammy the Psychic Stripper. Ultimately, Tammy will make more money than either of us by selling out and doing Starbucks-Mart commercials.
This article has been brought to you by The House Laziness Built. If it ain't lazy, you're probably yuppie scum and I hate you.
(I saw a commercial with a chick who said she's not a smoker cus she only smokes 2 cigs a day when she goes outside. When you start smoking a pack a day is when she considers you a smoker. Once again she says she's not a smoker. Then in big red letters, a caption says "YOU'RE A SMOKER. UNDO THE HABIT.")
I feel so fuckin guilty now... I don't think I'll recover.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
theshinobi:
Even more important, who the hell are you people?
automatic:
Actually, that was just a joke. I was stone sober last night. But hell, I've gotta keep up the image.