Steve's Journal
Read it, or die trying.
Conversations In The Military
From across the parking lot, I notice my buddy Tom Pazienza. " Yo Paz!!! Where the fuck've you been bitch!"
Paz wheels around. He recognizes the voice, and instantly guards against a possible incoming dead sprint tackle on the pavement. Noticing that I'm at a safe distance, he relaxes, and slowly closes the distance., "Reno you crazy fuck!"
I move to meet him halfway. "Reno?! What kind of shit did you get into there?!"
"What's with the twenty fucking questions? I took Lorell and we got shitfaced."
We meet, and deliver a mutual manhug- If you don't know what a manhug is, t's when the right hands grasp in a hand shake, but the other arm is slung over in a hug. There's some vigorous slapping of the backs involved. It's like a hug, only manly
Warning: Not to be attempted on men you are not acquainted with. "Bullshit! You know your wife was with me all weekend." This line is delivered as I shoot a quick jab into his stomache.
Paz stands firm. He must show no pain. This is the manly way. "Didn't I warn you about naming your pocket pussy after my wife?" He fakes a head shot. As I step back, he delivers a solid blow to the sternum.
Touche Paz. Touche. No longer with the upper hand, I must think quickly to avoid defeat. I must show no pain. I must fight on. "I'm saving up for the deluxe model. It's a pussy and an asshole all in one. I'll have to name it Tom."
Paz laughs. "Fuck you M." With a snap of the wrist, he delivers a quick, stinging blow to my nuts, and walks past me. I watch him turn the corner.
Close up on my face: A solitary tear of pain traces its way down my cheek.
Conversations At My New Job
I see Richard aproaching coming down the hallway. I pause to hold the door open for him. "Good day to you Richard."
Richard smiles his cheerily, "Why thank you kind sir." He passes by me, taking care not to invade my personal boundaries.
"Think nothing of it my good man. Might I inquire as to your happenings of late?" I am still holding the door opened, in preparation for my departure.
"You most certainly may. I took the missus and the youngins to The Disney Land over the weeks' end. It was a jolly rumpus, and I feel that we grew stronger as a family unit."
"Well sir, I am pleased to hear that your foray into the realm of fantasy theme parks has promoted growth within your household."
Richard is becoming uncomfortable. He can not mantain eye contact, and is praying that I will break contact, and let the door close. The rules of courtesy ingrained in him, however, will not allow him to make the first move, and depart. "... I expect that your weekend wnet well?"
"Mine, sadly, was uneventful."
"well, I enjoy many a nice quiet evening."
"Well Dick, that's just 'cus yer a whiny little bitch" I realize what I have said too late.
Shocked, Richard searches for a response. He has no rules to guide him through this situation. "I'm terribaly sorry, and maybe it's just me, which I'm sure it is, and I apologize for mentioning it, but..... Did you just refer to me by the nomenclature defined as a female dog, yet commonly designated as an abusive slang term? I'm sorry to have even asked, but...."
"Not at all sir, for it is I who must now beg of you a thousand pardons. You see, I am only recently removed from military service, and your ways and customs are still foreign to me. I did not mean to offend. But now, good sir, I must bid you adieu. Good day to you sir." Exit, stage right.
"Good day...."
Close on Richards face: A solitary tear of mental anguish traces its way down his cheek. It is to be followed by many more.
The Good News!
I'm done with my training! Elda- the lady in charge of the department I'm traing- in came up to me today and said that she'd been listening in on my calls with the clients, and had Theresa- my future boss- listen in on a few yesterday. They agreed that I'm ready. Elda's exact words, and I shit you not, were, "Your learning curve is Phenominal."
And what happened then...? Well.... in Who-ville they say
That Steve's tiny ego grew three sizes that day!
So then I went to talk to Theresa, and she told me that this was the fastest that anyone had made it out of traing. It usually takes three to four weeks. I more than cut that in half..
And the minute his ego didn't feel quite so tight
He whizzed straight on home, and he started to write.
Ok, so I slept a bit first. But still, it made me grin.
Some girl keeps hitting on me too. I don't even know her name, orwhich department she's in. She totally wants my cock. Crap. Did I type that out loud? Ummm, what I meant to say is that she would like me to initiate proper courting procedures. Problem is, she doesn't look a day over 18. I'll have to get some age verification before I make any sort of move on that one. Under 21 just makes things a bit of a pain in the ass. Plus, I know I'm an entirely different man than I was 7 years ago. If she's a youngin, I'll just have to steer my way into the "friend zone". Also known as "oncoming traffic", but sometimes it's just the right play to make.
The Bad News
I got my first paycheck today, and a fifth of it went to taxes. Sure, paychecks aren't bad news, but thankfully, that's the worst I've got today.
The Ugly News
10 days to go. I should really start looking for an apartment.
This Is Funny, so That I Don't Have To Be
Hahahaha.... Genocide.... Hahahaha.....
Friend Of The Day!
Send out a warm and mooshy greeting to SarcasticMenace! If you evr get an IM from this gal at 8pm, don't plan on sleeping. Because when the sun peeks in through the blinds, you'll wonder how the hell the night flew by! She's the all seeing, all knowing god of addictive online games and IM bullshitting. Plus, French guys want to make hot steamy hermaphrodite love to her while she hurls chickens down there throats. Don't ask. On second thought, go stop by her journal, and do ask.
FOTD Archive
If you're not here, I don't like you.... Wait a minute, that's a horrible tag line! Here's a better one. If you're not here, then you touch yourself when nobody's looking. And possibly while they are looking. This also applies to those that are here. So go visit LieLock, Oddyophile, and buttonbutton. Ask each other how Steve knew you touch yourself.
What I've Been Listening To
Social Distortion-White Light, White Heat, White Trash
If you haven't listened to Social D, then you need to seriously reevaluate the steps that you've taken in life that brought you to such a sad state of affairs. Here's an image for you. I tend to sing along to them rather loudly while I drive. Try to ppicture that with a straight face. I dare you.
The Clash-Clash on Broadway
A fucking outstanding box set. I don't even know which disks number I put in. Like it really matters. It's the friggin Clash. If you're not listening to them, then you're listening to someone who influenced them.... Or you're listening to easy listening music. In which case, get the fuck out of my journal.
The Last Movie I Watched
Seabiscuit
I never got to see this in theatres like I wanted, and I finally got to see it for the first time on HBO. I was so excited. I missed the very begining, but I still liked it a llot. Come to find out, Sam owns it on DVD. So yeah, I'll be watching it again all the way through tomorrow.
This Never Happened
I won the lottery. I don't fucking know! Jesus christ people, I can't crank these out constantly! They take time! Ok, so that was a lie. I put no thought or effort into them whatesoever. Which should explain a lot.
Randomly Placed Image!
^Shoe^
Random Ramblings
I'm stoked to be rejoining the work force. I'm good at working. Damned if I know why. I was a lazy kid. But these days, it seems like I suck at unemployment. I'm very ggod at being poor. I've had plenty of time to practice. Now I think I'll try my hand at having a moderate cash flow situation. Things could get interesting. What should I get first? An apartment maybe? Nah, too obvious. Should I get my PS2 and DVD player out of the pawn shop? What's the use, I sold my DVD collection. No, I think I'll but a monkey. Scratch that. A team of monkeys. Finger monkeys. Those little itty bity ones. They'll perch on my shoulder all day, and I won't mention it to anyone. I'll just let them stare during conversation. Like a man with no tact talking to a woman with nice breasts. Then I'll teach them to fetch me thing, but all the commands with be in grunts and clicks. So I'm talking to a guy at a party, and he's yet to make eye contact. Well, not with me at least, he's fixated on 6 sets of tiny monkey eyes staring back at him. When all of the sudden, I start behaving oddly.
"So I said, 'Hey! Mama-san! I'm not paying her to hide under the bed! ..... Ungh grnh *click* *click* un unnnnn! You know what I mean?"
I now have his full attention. But as he stares at me, baffled by what seems to be a bout of cro magnon remission, six little figures go to work. Three dart into the left jacket pocket and three scurry down my leg and out of sight across the room. One returns from my pocket, and gingerly places a cigarrette in my mouth, while the other two work the lighter. All I have to do is inhale. Before the gentleman staring in shock can utter a word, the other three apear on my shoulder again. I am now holding a perfectly mixed white russian. Finger monkeys, Ho!!!
I'll have to by dark clothes though... Finger monkeys have very small bladders.
eXtreme faX!!!
Catchy? I'm trying to draw in the ignorant 15 year old wannabe X games kids.
-Steve is just under 5'9"... an eXtreme 5'9"!!!
-For my second Christmas, my parents got me a hot wheels race track, and a tea set. I think they had been secretly hoping for a gender non-specific child. eXtreme hermaphrodite!!!
-I drank a shitload of tequila when I was 12 and almost had to have my stomache pumped. eXtreme stomache pumped!!! Ok, I'll stop that now.
-If you go back and reread only the first letter of each word in this journal, it will spell out a secret message.
-I just lied to you.
-If you reread the first letter of each word in this entry before you discovered that I'm a lying bastard, but you did happen to find a secret message... Please let me know. I think my subconcious is plotting my demise, and any insight would be welcomed.
-I love the smell of gasoline, but I don't know why. Just a personal quirk I suppose.
-I don't like being doused in gasoline and set ablaze, but I don't know why. Just a personal quirk I suppose.
That's it for tonight. Drive safely folks.
Read it, or die trying.
Conversations In The Military
From across the parking lot, I notice my buddy Tom Pazienza. " Yo Paz!!! Where the fuck've you been bitch!"
Paz wheels around. He recognizes the voice, and instantly guards against a possible incoming dead sprint tackle on the pavement. Noticing that I'm at a safe distance, he relaxes, and slowly closes the distance., "Reno you crazy fuck!"
I move to meet him halfway. "Reno?! What kind of shit did you get into there?!"
"What's with the twenty fucking questions? I took Lorell and we got shitfaced."
We meet, and deliver a mutual manhug- If you don't know what a manhug is, t's when the right hands grasp in a hand shake, but the other arm is slung over in a hug. There's some vigorous slapping of the backs involved. It's like a hug, only manly
Warning: Not to be attempted on men you are not acquainted with. "Bullshit! You know your wife was with me all weekend." This line is delivered as I shoot a quick jab into his stomache.
Paz stands firm. He must show no pain. This is the manly way. "Didn't I warn you about naming your pocket pussy after my wife?" He fakes a head shot. As I step back, he delivers a solid blow to the sternum.
Touche Paz. Touche. No longer with the upper hand, I must think quickly to avoid defeat. I must show no pain. I must fight on. "I'm saving up for the deluxe model. It's a pussy and an asshole all in one. I'll have to name it Tom."
Paz laughs. "Fuck you M." With a snap of the wrist, he delivers a quick, stinging blow to my nuts, and walks past me. I watch him turn the corner.
Close up on my face: A solitary tear of pain traces its way down my cheek.
Conversations At My New Job
I see Richard aproaching coming down the hallway. I pause to hold the door open for him. "Good day to you Richard."
Richard smiles his cheerily, "Why thank you kind sir." He passes by me, taking care not to invade my personal boundaries.
"Think nothing of it my good man. Might I inquire as to your happenings of late?" I am still holding the door opened, in preparation for my departure.
"You most certainly may. I took the missus and the youngins to The Disney Land over the weeks' end. It was a jolly rumpus, and I feel that we grew stronger as a family unit."
"Well sir, I am pleased to hear that your foray into the realm of fantasy theme parks has promoted growth within your household."
Richard is becoming uncomfortable. He can not mantain eye contact, and is praying that I will break contact, and let the door close. The rules of courtesy ingrained in him, however, will not allow him to make the first move, and depart. "... I expect that your weekend wnet well?"
"Mine, sadly, was uneventful."
"well, I enjoy many a nice quiet evening."
"Well Dick, that's just 'cus yer a whiny little bitch" I realize what I have said too late.
Shocked, Richard searches for a response. He has no rules to guide him through this situation. "I'm terribaly sorry, and maybe it's just me, which I'm sure it is, and I apologize for mentioning it, but..... Did you just refer to me by the nomenclature defined as a female dog, yet commonly designated as an abusive slang term? I'm sorry to have even asked, but...."
"Not at all sir, for it is I who must now beg of you a thousand pardons. You see, I am only recently removed from military service, and your ways and customs are still foreign to me. I did not mean to offend. But now, good sir, I must bid you adieu. Good day to you sir." Exit, stage right.
"Good day...."
Close on Richards face: A solitary tear of mental anguish traces its way down his cheek. It is to be followed by many more.
The Good News!
I'm done with my training! Elda- the lady in charge of the department I'm traing- in came up to me today and said that she'd been listening in on my calls with the clients, and had Theresa- my future boss- listen in on a few yesterday. They agreed that I'm ready. Elda's exact words, and I shit you not, were, "Your learning curve is Phenominal."
And what happened then...? Well.... in Who-ville they say
That Steve's tiny ego grew three sizes that day!
So then I went to talk to Theresa, and she told me that this was the fastest that anyone had made it out of traing. It usually takes three to four weeks. I more than cut that in half..
And the minute his ego didn't feel quite so tight
He whizzed straight on home, and he started to write.
Ok, so I slept a bit first. But still, it made me grin.
Some girl keeps hitting on me too. I don't even know her name, orwhich department she's in. She totally wants my cock. Crap. Did I type that out loud? Ummm, what I meant to say is that she would like me to initiate proper courting procedures. Problem is, she doesn't look a day over 18. I'll have to get some age verification before I make any sort of move on that one. Under 21 just makes things a bit of a pain in the ass. Plus, I know I'm an entirely different man than I was 7 years ago. If she's a youngin, I'll just have to steer my way into the "friend zone". Also known as "oncoming traffic", but sometimes it's just the right play to make.
The Bad News
I got my first paycheck today, and a fifth of it went to taxes. Sure, paychecks aren't bad news, but thankfully, that's the worst I've got today.
The Ugly News
10 days to go. I should really start looking for an apartment.
This Is Funny, so That I Don't Have To Be
Hahahaha.... Genocide.... Hahahaha.....
Friend Of The Day!
Send out a warm and mooshy greeting to SarcasticMenace! If you evr get an IM from this gal at 8pm, don't plan on sleeping. Because when the sun peeks in through the blinds, you'll wonder how the hell the night flew by! She's the all seeing, all knowing god of addictive online games and IM bullshitting. Plus, French guys want to make hot steamy hermaphrodite love to her while she hurls chickens down there throats. Don't ask. On second thought, go stop by her journal, and do ask.
FOTD Archive
If you're not here, I don't like you.... Wait a minute, that's a horrible tag line! Here's a better one. If you're not here, then you touch yourself when nobody's looking. And possibly while they are looking. This also applies to those that are here. So go visit LieLock, Oddyophile, and buttonbutton. Ask each other how Steve knew you touch yourself.
What I've Been Listening To
Social Distortion-White Light, White Heat, White Trash
If you haven't listened to Social D, then you need to seriously reevaluate the steps that you've taken in life that brought you to such a sad state of affairs. Here's an image for you. I tend to sing along to them rather loudly while I drive. Try to ppicture that with a straight face. I dare you.
The Clash-Clash on Broadway
A fucking outstanding box set. I don't even know which disks number I put in. Like it really matters. It's the friggin Clash. If you're not listening to them, then you're listening to someone who influenced them.... Or you're listening to easy listening music. In which case, get the fuck out of my journal.
The Last Movie I Watched
Seabiscuit
I never got to see this in theatres like I wanted, and I finally got to see it for the first time on HBO. I was so excited. I missed the very begining, but I still liked it a llot. Come to find out, Sam owns it on DVD. So yeah, I'll be watching it again all the way through tomorrow.
This Never Happened
I won the lottery. I don't fucking know! Jesus christ people, I can't crank these out constantly! They take time! Ok, so that was a lie. I put no thought or effort into them whatesoever. Which should explain a lot.
Randomly Placed Image!
^Shoe^
Random Ramblings
I'm stoked to be rejoining the work force. I'm good at working. Damned if I know why. I was a lazy kid. But these days, it seems like I suck at unemployment. I'm very ggod at being poor. I've had plenty of time to practice. Now I think I'll try my hand at having a moderate cash flow situation. Things could get interesting. What should I get first? An apartment maybe? Nah, too obvious. Should I get my PS2 and DVD player out of the pawn shop? What's the use, I sold my DVD collection. No, I think I'll but a monkey. Scratch that. A team of monkeys. Finger monkeys. Those little itty bity ones. They'll perch on my shoulder all day, and I won't mention it to anyone. I'll just let them stare during conversation. Like a man with no tact talking to a woman with nice breasts. Then I'll teach them to fetch me thing, but all the commands with be in grunts and clicks. So I'm talking to a guy at a party, and he's yet to make eye contact. Well, not with me at least, he's fixated on 6 sets of tiny monkey eyes staring back at him. When all of the sudden, I start behaving oddly.
"So I said, 'Hey! Mama-san! I'm not paying her to hide under the bed! ..... Ungh grnh *click* *click* un unnnnn! You know what I mean?"
I now have his full attention. But as he stares at me, baffled by what seems to be a bout of cro magnon remission, six little figures go to work. Three dart into the left jacket pocket and three scurry down my leg and out of sight across the room. One returns from my pocket, and gingerly places a cigarrette in my mouth, while the other two work the lighter. All I have to do is inhale. Before the gentleman staring in shock can utter a word, the other three apear on my shoulder again. I am now holding a perfectly mixed white russian. Finger monkeys, Ho!!!
I'll have to by dark clothes though... Finger monkeys have very small bladders.
eXtreme faX!!!
Catchy? I'm trying to draw in the ignorant 15 year old wannabe X games kids.
-Steve is just under 5'9"... an eXtreme 5'9"!!!
-For my second Christmas, my parents got me a hot wheels race track, and a tea set. I think they had been secretly hoping for a gender non-specific child. eXtreme hermaphrodite!!!
-I drank a shitload of tequila when I was 12 and almost had to have my stomache pumped. eXtreme stomache pumped!!! Ok, I'll stop that now.
-If you go back and reread only the first letter of each word in this journal, it will spell out a secret message.
-I just lied to you.
-If you reread the first letter of each word in this entry before you discovered that I'm a lying bastard, but you did happen to find a secret message... Please let me know. I think my subconcious is plotting my demise, and any insight would be welcomed.
-I love the smell of gasoline, but I don't know why. Just a personal quirk I suppose.
-I don't like being doused in gasoline and set ablaze, but I don't know why. Just a personal quirk I suppose.
That's it for tonight. Drive safely folks.
VIEW 25 of 39 COMMENTS
It just made me choke on my own tears. That's ridiculously funny, ok? Irresponcibly funny....Bastard.