The title of this post came from a participant today who asked me to explain the difference in English of "if" and "when." It's a question that comes up quite often, and we usually have a unit on it in the books we use, as the implications of exchanging them is pretty big for an experienced speaker of English, but doesn't have the same gravity to a German speaker who's learning. I come across a similar topic when we cover comparatives, the as/than, which I lighten up with a bad dad joke of "There are always two as's." They don't usually forget, and sometimes they laugh. =)
So, if and when. There is so often that I have found I misuse the two, if not on purpose, then in retrospect, I would have berated myself for something that 'should' or 'had' to be done, and wasn't. There was something that I read only relatively recently that has taken a while to 'grok' (love that term, by the way. If you don't know it, it's from "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Heinlein, and a great read, we can get to that another day though). And this has to be taken in a particular context, in regard to the meaning of "Need." I think we often get caught up in the short of "need" and don't take it out to the full conclusion, we say things like "I have to go to work." And forget that it is "I have to go to work if I want to eat this week." As perhaps shallow as that sounds, it is a choice, and making that choice, we own it. And that takes me to the second part of the "if/when", and that is waiting.
This comes from my guided meditation, and paraphrased, "Waiting is wanting something other than what is." It is the rejection of the now for the promise of something in the future. And this comes in many forms, boredom is the one I heard most from when I was younger, or from the young ones. It is not being able to see what is around at that moment, perhaps not seeing with the eye of wonder. And this feels like it is wrung out of us, not perhaps purposefully, but still ground out all the same by situation or society.
I don't feel quite as lonely as when I connect with people... am I alone in that? Perhaps it is a bit of a whip back, still learning, still coming to embrace that "enoughness." This is where the artists come in, and this site is filled with the most amazing artists, finding that connection and reaching out with it, and letting all of us feel that here, that now, and wonder in it. It's beautiful, and why I'm still here. Which brings me to silence. I recently had a conversation about silence with someone and how it can be painful, which I imagine, from my experience is because the mind fills that silence with a never ending cascade of worry, doubt, pain, you name it. However, again with some reference to my guided, silence is shared, it is something that we all experience, and can experience together, so when there is silence, it's not that you are alone, you are in that moment with everyone, everywhere, if only for the space of a breath. And that's comforting.
As to the meditation, if any of you are into it, or wanting to get into it, or not sure what or how, setting out on it with someone or some someones makes the whole 'sit down and breath' thing a bit more do-able. Knowing that there's someone out there, even if they are not in the same room, but sitting down around the same time, it's helpful, and then letting go of the everything you "need" to do but breathe... you remember that at any time, you can listen to your breathing, you can take that moment to exercise your ability to let go and embrace at the same time, and you've got that one more moment that you've lived.
I want to talk a bit about the trip to Amsterdam and the Escape Room that we did there, so I'll put that in another blog.
For tonight, thank you my friends for being out there, for listening, for talking, I know you have lives to live, and the time we share is precious to me. To the ones that I've been friends with for months now, and to the ones that I've just started talking with, the world is more because of you. And if you ever have trouble finding that, as I do sometimes, here's to having the courage to reach out. Oh and one last thing... sometimes the hair wins...
No tags here, but if you take the time to read, and comment, I sure as hell am going to write back to you. =)
My heart.
K.
