Homework is a little like coloring books for me. The outline is there, someone has done the work of finding the pattern, now it's up to me to fill it in. It's a little anchor, something to tie the kite off to and then sit back and watch it dance, laying in the grass as the winds whip and ebb, pulling on, but (hopefully) never stealing. I love playing with words, sometimes twisting them, sometimes imbuing them with a meaning that only a few will ever suss out. I am thankful. But for what, and how much? My mind eager to twist it into a pissing contest between should and must, assigning levels and coordinates, defining relentlessly. So, I am thankful beyond words for the opportunity at the moment to begin moving beyond that constant calculating. I am thankful for feeling that this is a space that I can explore with the support of my wife and my daughter, knowing that as I do, I am becoming easier to live with. I am thankful that all the things that I have experienced in my life have taught me perspective, I feel I understand better why things happen that when I was younger I couldn't. Perhaps even more is the realization that there is much that I don't understand and am getting better in asking and listening, rather than falling in to the 'figuring out' patterns that have for so long been the default.
I am thankful for the confidence to write this blog and thankful for the community that has facilitated that. I laugh a bit when I get this thought of sitting at the 'Cool Kids' table. A tiny bit of impostor kicking up before I recognize it and it tickles me. I don't know a lot about you all yet, but it doesn't feel like a rush, small steps here and there, less careful, more deliberate. Choosing with intent. Many a nook is there still to delve into, I am enjoying my time in the now of things.
I mentioned my wife, there is no one in my life that I am more thankful for than her. And in the last year I feel like I've gotten to know her better than in the ten years before that. Too long had I equated care of myself as withdraw and escape, rather than leaning in and embracing. She stayed with me, saw me for who I was, even when her own fears were all but overwhelming. Our baggage matches. =) I'm thankful for my daughter, my inherited family that I wouldn't trade for the world. I do think we chose our families, I became part of her life when she was 6, I was 24, now she's 21 and I have white streaks in my goatee.
The folks that I would mention directly to tell you I'm thankful for you as well... you're the ones reading this. You're the ones that have made me feel like this is a place to belong when it's where I can be. And also for it to be okay when I need to step back and focus on myself. People come and people go, I'm thankful to be able to enjoy the time of now with the lot of you that are here at the moment. =)
Peace and love to all!
K.
