When is not enough, enough?

9

I don't think I've ever posted something here before. But tonight with the help of copious amount of alcohol, I'm doing such.


I don't think that I ever had gotten addicted to someone before, but over the last year and a half, I did. I met someone that made me feel amazing, she filled me in a way that I hadn't felt in years. I had forgotten what it was to feel that special, that someone took that much time out of their day to spend with you, even when it was more than they could really afford.

When that attention waned, I went insane. I went to a place that I didn't recognize myself. At this instant, I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for the lengths that I went to, to the level of cyber stalking, to badgering, because I was so insecure with myself when I wasn't being fed the attention that I had been given. This person was perhaps the most amazingly giving person I had ever met. And one of whom I will possibly ever beat myself up over being a shitty friend to.

"I cannot fill your cup," those words echo with me, resoundingly, because it is the truth of it, no one can fill your cup but yourself. I have, at the moment (because I believe that this will change) no self-confidence. This has been the truth for years. I don't know if it was because of how academic excellence was valued in my upbringing, or that shame was used as a rearing tool, I don't know yet... that's what the professionals are hopefully going to help me with. But the current situation is that I don't have any self-value and I derive all of my value from those around me needing me, or praising me.

I'm suffering from withdraw at the moment, and some days it is less than others. I miss my friend, I miss all the pillars that our friendship was built around, and I don't think that we will ever find those again. And yet I hold on to hope, because I really, really, really want to be able to find that place again, a new place, not the old place, where we can be what we were, but in a new, more fully honest, and complete way... and yet I know in my heart that isn't possible, that I need to move on, and yet I'm having so much trouble with that.

I wake up, and have to congratulate myself on not looking at my phone, because I used to reach right for it, because she would be there in the mornings. I changed my sleeping schedule so that I could have more time with her. Maybe I felt like I deserved it for the effort, and that makes me sick inside feeling like I deserved anything. All of it makes me feel uncomfortable. It was something that I never planned to happen, that I felt wrong for perusing, that I didn't deal with at all well.

It's been a month and it's felt like a decade, I have been unable to control myself, so I broke from social media, only to relapse, and on some other areas we overlapped. I have acted impulsively and know I need to take my time, and yet the fibers of my being want to connect, though I realize it is for my benefit not hers... which makes me feel worse.

If anyone read this, thank you.

K.

VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
dhyani:
@therustycheez, I feel your pain. However, your blog shows that you are growing as a result of your experience. You said that you have no self-value; that would indicate that you don’t love yourself. I would recommend that you start there: 1. Forgive yourself for trying to fill the void inside with the attention that your beautiful friend lavished upon you. If you cannot forgive and love yourself, all the affirmations in the universe from others will be like whitewashing a tomb. 2. If you want to gain a sense of self-respect and self-worth, I would encourage you to set a goal to achieve something that will challenge the hell out of you and which will force you out of your comfort zone, and then don’t quit until you achieve it. Make every sacrifice necessary to make it happen, while maintaining a normal balance in the rest of your life. Once you’ve achieved that, you’ll find that not only will others give you praise for your accomplishment, you will already feel great, because you were already worthy love and applause, you just had to create a space for it in your heart. 3. I’d encourage you to blog more often and get more involved in the SG community; there’s awesome people here from all over this little wet rock we call Earth. 💗🤗
ferkixlll:
Honest Self Examination is difficult. Finding out what parts to discard and which to improve upon is confusing. May you like the you that emerges.

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