therionbloodsworn

Lately I've not been myself. I've been trying to be positive but it's hard. My pain came out more on a stream when a song reminded me of a colleague who was taken from me last week at the age of 36. I have lost many loved ones this last year and seeing faces vanish to never be seen again...these times are so short and...
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Why do I hurt when I see other people happy? Why does it bringer pain to see friends together laughing and enjoying each other? I have friends but is it something in me that doesn't feel the same about them? Do I not share that same feeling with them? If I say yes, do I take my friendships for granted? Am I being dishonest or...
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They talk about things getting better. That you will be rewarded for your hard work. But when the pattern doesn't change. When all you see is the same every day and there is no exit. You want to hold on to that hope but you know the environment and you know that nothing different is happening. When all you do is circle the drain how...
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This is the hard part. Laying down at the end, needing to sprawl out and sleep. The sheets are comfortable, the pillows welcoming. I force myself to put away the apps and social media, cause every couple minutes counts.

But I'm alone. No one to put my arm around, kiss good night, curl into a ball with. Just me. Alone. I'm tired but I don't...
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When you wake up, and you worry that when you go in that day you may not be able to walk out.

When you deal every day with the same imbalance of responsibility.

When you struggle with the same problem that is not your loved ones fault.

When you try to find something to pass the time but nothing holds your interest or brings you...
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It brings to the attention the idea that after one is gone, will there be a remembrance? Will I have been impactful enough in someone's life that when they think about me after I'm gone they will smile or shed a tear? Will a love mourn me as if I was the only one she pined for or a friend pour out a drink or...
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It's hard sometimes when you feel all you are doing is existing. That nothing you are doing is changing anything or that you are just going through a pattern that will be easily replaced once you are gone. Loved ones say you matter but you don't feel it, and the words don't seem like enough. I don't expect any rewards for anything I do. But...
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In May going to see Gojira, Mastodon, Lorna Shore. In August, Pantera and Lamb of God. In September Rob Zombie, Alice Cooper, Ministry, Filter.

Any concerts you are going to this year?

Had some plumbing issues. But turned out easy to fix and cheaper than expected.

Got a bigger check than I thought I was getting.

Things fell into place a bit better.

Small things slowly making things better.

Well.....

I had a week away from the pain of my job. I'm not really looking forward to going back tomorrow. I have a lot still to do so I don't feel I had a week away from the mess surrounding me. I wish for a simpler life but I know I can't have that yet.

I hope this year goes better. I hope I...
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