What am I doing here? I mean, I joined this site, really, just to look at naked girls. Not to post anything, create profiles, or comment on anyone else's shit...
And yet.
So what am I posting about? I'm not sure, but I just read someone's journal entry and it got me to thinking about relationships and their role in my life, so I thought I'd open up TextEdit, pack a bowl, thank myself for deciding to skip school today, and start writing.
Relationships are fucked. Or at least, all the relationships I've been in seem fucked. It's as if they don't operate with any conventional sense, to the point where I want to draw a parallel with Douglas Adams' idea of Bistromathmatics...
So why is this? I mean, it's not as if I haven't had a lot of meaningful relationships, because I think I have, and besides, I think I am generally a well-balanced, if not overly analytical, person. And yet, in a relationship, I see all sorts of new sides of me emerge. I see my father, a man who hasn't been in my life for something like ten years now, show up in myself and it scares the shit out of me. I get irritated much more easily than normal, feel like I need to run away and hang out with only myself all the time, I want to just escape and stomp on the other person's heart and call her names and laugh before it happens to me...
But maybe therein lies the problem, this overwhelming need to escape before I get hurt. And yet I never do. Ever. I stay, I develop serious dependancies, and when I eventually drive the other person away, I wish it was all different. I wish I could act differently in relationships, but over the last two years I am slowly beginning to realize that I can't. I am who I am, I suppose. So what the fuck do I do now? How do I embark on a relationship with someone (something I feel like I need to do - ironically I hate to be alone as much as I love to lock myself in a room) knowing already what the future holds. Perhaps this is being uncharacteristically pessimistic on my part, but I sometimes feel my fate is sealed, and that no matter how fantastic a relationship starts (and they do, don't they?) it is doomed for me to fuck up right from the start.
I'm so needy.
That's what usually sends them packing. I'm too serious, or not serious enough. I want to spend all my time with you, or perhaps more specifically, I want you to want to spend all your time with me,
It's exhausting at times, really.
And yet, at the moment, all I want is a relationship. And I do mean relationship - pardon the cliche, but I've never brought myself to be a one-night-stand kind of guy. Hell, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should be. But no, what I want is something with a hope of a future. I just turned 22 and as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel old. I also feel like I really need to pull myself away from the house and meet some people (something I used to be much better at). In all honestly though, there is really only one reason I still feel like maybe there's hope at meeting someone that I could actually spend time with and not grow to resent them: my last relationship. It wasn't a long one, only a few months (so maybe not enough time to develop serious resentment, but it felt different), but I likely learned more about myself in those three months than in many previous years of serious courtship.
To make a long story short, it ended (at its climax, by the way) because she got deported and can't come back to Canada. This girl was tough. Tiny, perhaps, but she had life in her. I couldn't count the times I'd have to battle to keep her around (shit, even to keep her on the line) - and why? Because she wouldn't take my shit. None of it. And most of the time I wouldn't see it coming, but when it did, she'd never hesitate to point it out. Now, if I thought that she was just being petty, or whatever, maybe I'd have just packed up and left before my ego got too bruised, but it never was - and I am the type of person that will take criticism as suggestion, as long as I see it is at least constructive to a point. Even if it some of her comments seemed petty at first, they never were, and these discussions were a breeding ground for serious self-reflection - the mode I've been in for the past four months now.
And, in all of this self-searching, I've realized perhaps one thing: I can't change. I mean, sure, maybe you could convince me to get out of bed earlier on weekends or maybe stop eating so much fast food, but fundamentally I am fairly stuck in my ways. My brain seems to operate in its own little world, a world where bitter analysis and swirling emotion work hand-in-hand, a world where I spend way too much time ignoring basic cause-and-effect because I am so involved with myself.
So maybe this is why I decided to post. Maybe someone else out there knows exactly how I feel. Maybe I haven't actually articulated myself well enough for that, but what the hell. Maybe someone out there thinks they might sort of know what I am going through - this unquenchable desire to be in a relationship coupled with an overwhelming expectancy of inevitable failure. This is a head-space I think I need to escape, and I don't think it's impossible. As negative as I may sound here, please believe that I am by no means a negative person. I'm sure I can break through this relationship slump, and I think I almost did before Canadian Customs got involved, it just requires the right person. Someone devastatingly intelligent, creative, and frank. Someone real, someone perhaps as viciously dysfunctional as myself.
Someone like you, perhaps?
Who knows. Thanks for listening.
And yet.
So what am I posting about? I'm not sure, but I just read someone's journal entry and it got me to thinking about relationships and their role in my life, so I thought I'd open up TextEdit, pack a bowl, thank myself for deciding to skip school today, and start writing.
Relationships are fucked. Or at least, all the relationships I've been in seem fucked. It's as if they don't operate with any conventional sense, to the point where I want to draw a parallel with Douglas Adams' idea of Bistromathmatics...
So why is this? I mean, it's not as if I haven't had a lot of meaningful relationships, because I think I have, and besides, I think I am generally a well-balanced, if not overly analytical, person. And yet, in a relationship, I see all sorts of new sides of me emerge. I see my father, a man who hasn't been in my life for something like ten years now, show up in myself and it scares the shit out of me. I get irritated much more easily than normal, feel like I need to run away and hang out with only myself all the time, I want to just escape and stomp on the other person's heart and call her names and laugh before it happens to me...
But maybe therein lies the problem, this overwhelming need to escape before I get hurt. And yet I never do. Ever. I stay, I develop serious dependancies, and when I eventually drive the other person away, I wish it was all different. I wish I could act differently in relationships, but over the last two years I am slowly beginning to realize that I can't. I am who I am, I suppose. So what the fuck do I do now? How do I embark on a relationship with someone (something I feel like I need to do - ironically I hate to be alone as much as I love to lock myself in a room) knowing already what the future holds. Perhaps this is being uncharacteristically pessimistic on my part, but I sometimes feel my fate is sealed, and that no matter how fantastic a relationship starts (and they do, don't they?) it is doomed for me to fuck up right from the start.
I'm so needy.
That's what usually sends them packing. I'm too serious, or not serious enough. I want to spend all my time with you, or perhaps more specifically, I want you to want to spend all your time with me,
It's exhausting at times, really.
And yet, at the moment, all I want is a relationship. And I do mean relationship - pardon the cliche, but I've never brought myself to be a one-night-stand kind of guy. Hell, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I should be. But no, what I want is something with a hope of a future. I just turned 22 and as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel old. I also feel like I really need to pull myself away from the house and meet some people (something I used to be much better at). In all honestly though, there is really only one reason I still feel like maybe there's hope at meeting someone that I could actually spend time with and not grow to resent them: my last relationship. It wasn't a long one, only a few months (so maybe not enough time to develop serious resentment, but it felt different), but I likely learned more about myself in those three months than in many previous years of serious courtship.
To make a long story short, it ended (at its climax, by the way) because she got deported and can't come back to Canada. This girl was tough. Tiny, perhaps, but she had life in her. I couldn't count the times I'd have to battle to keep her around (shit, even to keep her on the line) - and why? Because she wouldn't take my shit. None of it. And most of the time I wouldn't see it coming, but when it did, she'd never hesitate to point it out. Now, if I thought that she was just being petty, or whatever, maybe I'd have just packed up and left before my ego got too bruised, but it never was - and I am the type of person that will take criticism as suggestion, as long as I see it is at least constructive to a point. Even if it some of her comments seemed petty at first, they never were, and these discussions were a breeding ground for serious self-reflection - the mode I've been in for the past four months now.
And, in all of this self-searching, I've realized perhaps one thing: I can't change. I mean, sure, maybe you could convince me to get out of bed earlier on weekends or maybe stop eating so much fast food, but fundamentally I am fairly stuck in my ways. My brain seems to operate in its own little world, a world where bitter analysis and swirling emotion work hand-in-hand, a world where I spend way too much time ignoring basic cause-and-effect because I am so involved with myself.
So maybe this is why I decided to post. Maybe someone else out there knows exactly how I feel. Maybe I haven't actually articulated myself well enough for that, but what the hell. Maybe someone out there thinks they might sort of know what I am going through - this unquenchable desire to be in a relationship coupled with an overwhelming expectancy of inevitable failure. This is a head-space I think I need to escape, and I don't think it's impossible. As negative as I may sound here, please believe that I am by no means a negative person. I'm sure I can break through this relationship slump, and I think I almost did before Canadian Customs got involved, it just requires the right person. Someone devastatingly intelligent, creative, and frank. Someone real, someone perhaps as viciously dysfunctional as myself.
Someone like you, perhaps?
Who knows. Thanks for listening.