In December I suffered through what was probably the greatest depression of my life. I believe I suffer from a seasonal fluctuation and more often than not, these moods that color my days begin earlier in the year. For some reason or another this particular year rather than be dumped on my ass into the middle of a miserable funk I felt my chest harbored a powder keg of black clouds and was lit off by a strong dose of rejection.
While a duality of naturehas has always been a present theme of my character, Loss and regret have always colored both halves... Women have always been a constant source of both, and being my own worst enemy in most cases, while simplifying the story, rarely has its provided the clues needed to correct mistakes and avoid pitfalls.
Loss and regret. Ive never had a great ability to cope with either. My friend once said I feel and bleed twice as much as any other creature and hes probably right. A memory vivid beyond compare subjects me daily to the wound inflicted in times past, that wich would be easily forgotten by most I still carry, and the evidence is easily visible to anyone taking a second look.
The source of regret pertains to my failure. Im always searching for that golden key. The elusive secret code that would put my heart at ease, and the ability to share that contentment with another. This secret always seems just beyond my reach and the hindsight never reveals answers but i always see evidence of hope and promise that things could have worked "if only..." The golden "if only" To reverse engineer hapiness through trial and error. I cant say that every time I get closer, I only know that to cease trying will guarantee failure. The new concern is wether or not my heart can withstand the wear and tear. The outcome is just too cloudy, and when the haze does lift Im more often met with the earlier mentioned depression than the light of promise. I could dismiss the depression, recoil from its presence but im moved to scrutinize, constantly searching for that silver lining, the one that carries the secret Im after. Stare into the abyss they say, Im met with the horror and indignity of a life spent searching for that wich I can not name. Am I taking the chance that one day Ill see the dark end as the only answer, no longer believing in the elusive golden path.
Theres a story of a robot who leaves his home, braving a hostile environment in search of an unknown heaven. Every step leads to deterioration, his own demise, he counts his numbered days, wieghing them against his faith that he will find what he seeks. He cant return home, hes past the rubicon, so he marches forward into the unknown.
I totally lost where I was going with this... I blame beautiful 42 inch LCD flatscreens with HD cable packages. Think on that for a while
While a duality of naturehas has always been a present theme of my character, Loss and regret have always colored both halves... Women have always been a constant source of both, and being my own worst enemy in most cases, while simplifying the story, rarely has its provided the clues needed to correct mistakes and avoid pitfalls.
Loss and regret. Ive never had a great ability to cope with either. My friend once said I feel and bleed twice as much as any other creature and hes probably right. A memory vivid beyond compare subjects me daily to the wound inflicted in times past, that wich would be easily forgotten by most I still carry, and the evidence is easily visible to anyone taking a second look.
The source of regret pertains to my failure. Im always searching for that golden key. The elusive secret code that would put my heart at ease, and the ability to share that contentment with another. This secret always seems just beyond my reach and the hindsight never reveals answers but i always see evidence of hope and promise that things could have worked "if only..." The golden "if only" To reverse engineer hapiness through trial and error. I cant say that every time I get closer, I only know that to cease trying will guarantee failure. The new concern is wether or not my heart can withstand the wear and tear. The outcome is just too cloudy, and when the haze does lift Im more often met with the earlier mentioned depression than the light of promise. I could dismiss the depression, recoil from its presence but im moved to scrutinize, constantly searching for that silver lining, the one that carries the secret Im after. Stare into the abyss they say, Im met with the horror and indignity of a life spent searching for that wich I can not name. Am I taking the chance that one day Ill see the dark end as the only answer, no longer believing in the elusive golden path.
Theres a story of a robot who leaves his home, braving a hostile environment in search of an unknown heaven. Every step leads to deterioration, his own demise, he counts his numbered days, wieghing them against his faith that he will find what he seeks. He cant return home, hes past the rubicon, so he marches forward into the unknown.
I totally lost where I was going with this... I blame beautiful 42 inch LCD flatscreens with HD cable packages. Think on that for a while
beautifully said. i, too, am searching, with no luck.