theocean______

OK. So I guess i've been making it harder for her. But it's hard for me too. I get so frustrated. I want her to be happy with me. I don't want her thoughts to always been elsewhere when I'm desperately trying for them to be on me. But desperation is a turn-off! What a dillema. How am I supposed to turn off the feelings that I have, even if that is the only way to make my presence bearable to you? So what do I do with myself? I'm not sure. The first time for a long time that I feel like I should be and want to be open to you, to be emotionally exposed to you, and you want no part of me.

It's never going to be easy, is it? What is actually occuring is always the opposite of what I want.

So here's the new plan. I'm going to leave her alone. I won't call her. I won't text message. I don't try to pay you any mind at home. Why? Because my neediness is a burden upon you, one with oh-so-many burdens already. (Not meant to be sarcastic) I understand you are burdened with many things. I'll stop jumping on the pile.

Then, if she actually (oh god please) wants to spend time with me AND mentally be there with me, that's the gravy. The frosting. Whatever.

So what do I do with my emotional state? Well, I guess i'll stuff it in the corner again. Bury it deep inside. That's ok. My life hasn't much been about me for almost 3 years, so it can stay that way for a few more, right? As long as I don't kill myself first....

And I apologize to anyone reading this who thinks references to suicide are "too 19" or somesuch. I think depression spans all ages, it just seems more hopeless when you are young.

All that being said... wish me luck. I could use the help... but I understand if you just don't care. How come this fucking thing doesn't have a little smiley blowing his own brains out? That would fit my mood perfectly. I guess this will have to do.