theocat

I haven't kept up with my blog so I'm posting the dates below approximately when events happened......

.August 22nd

Bad news. My Asian doctor date blew me off. I called her two days later to ask her out again but she declined saying somewhat ambiguously that she didn't think we were a good fit. My doctor friend casually spoke to her regarding why she wasn't interested in me. She wouldn't explicitly come out and say out but reading between the lines he inferred that my lack of gainful employment colored her perception of me. I debated whether or not to start dating again before I was employed. Perhaps I should. But even when I was working, I wasn't making much money. Most of the women I meet in Boston are professionals and make better money than I do yet they cling to the notion that the man should be primary breadwinner. Either I'll need to find a woman for whom this is not a primary consideration or I'll have to give up dating altogether. As more and more women out pace men in income earnings this behavior pattern will become more problematic.


October 15th

As the election neared, I was getting barrage of emails from MoveOn.org to host a phone banking party. MoveOn is a progressive political organization that was created by liberal activists during the Clinton impeachment episode. MoveOn has served as a new internet age template on political organizing in the 21st century.Their membership has grown into the millions and who they are able to organize as the speed of the ethernet. Although MoveOn has primarily taken up progressive causes by lobbying for legislation and using the petitioning power of its many members, more recently it has intervened directly in the election process by supporting Democratic candidates for office. This election cycle MoveOn has been mobilizing its membership to support Democratic candidates for Congress. A year ago it was seen unlikely that the Democrats could take back the House, much less the Senate. However after three years of an Iraq war that has become increasingly unpopular with the American public, corruption scandals erupting within the GOP leadership, a ballooning deficit, anxiety over the rise of the religious right and a sex scandal involving Congressional pages the Republicans have been left reeling and the president's poll numbers sent crashing to the earth.

MoveOn has been focusing its efforts in those Congressional districts where the races are competitive between the two parties. Ultimately, individual races will be decided by voter turnout, which is typically low during mid-term elections. Whichever side is more successful in getting out it core supporters to the polls will take the brass ring come election day. Several months ago only 15 House seats were thought vulnerable for the GOP. Political pollsters believe that number has doubled and the general mood of electorate has soured on the party in power and may be interested in sending a political message to President Bush. Direct calls to Democrat voters by ordinary citizens has proven an effective means to motivate people to get to the polls. MoveOn claims is aiming to make 5 million phone calls to voters in key Congressional districts by election day. The aim of the phone calls is to identify sympathetic voters and then follow-up with them several days before the election to urge them to the polls.

I volunteered to throw an "Iraq the Vote Movie Party." Some 1,500 other members were to be hosting house parties as well. All event details are coordinated over the internet. Members could identify the nearest party to them by entering their zip code and sign up for event. Each host could manage their own web page on MoveOn.org's website. Hosts could email participants with detailed instructions, print out an event hosting guide, call lists, signs, an audio file, and other paraphernalia. I had some prior experience with internet organizing via my prior participation on Howard Dean's campaign, which pioneered many of these web-based techniques.

My goal was to get 12 registrants for party. Each person would bring their own cell phone. The party was scheduled to begin at 4 p.m. as we were attempting to reach voters on the west coast, in our case Nevada. We were to be calling in support of a Tessa Hafen who was challenging the Republic seat held by Jon Porter. At 4:15 p.m. only one guest had arrived and I was beginning to get nervous. By 4:30 two more guests had arrived and that was it. Only three out of 12 registrants made it to my house party. Disappointing to say the least. Still, our group forged ahead. Before beginning phone calls we listened to a pre-recorded inspirational speech and instructions provided by MoveOn and that I had downloaded as an audio file from website. We then dived head first into our phone calling. Only two of us had any experience with voter phone calling -Tilly and myself. Tilly was an acerbic, 73 year old, community activist who had been involved with one liberal cause after another since the Vietnam war. Tilly was more pissed off about George Bush Jr. than even I was, and that's saying a lot.



During the next 1 1/2 hours, we plied our way through the voter call lists. It was an exercise in frustration. Probably half of all phone calls were intercepted by answering machines or no answer at all. The remaining 40% were refusals, Republican households, or other miscellaneous problems. By the end of our phone banking we had each reached only one or two Democratic voters. It didn't feel like much of an accomplishment. Afterwards we settled down to watch a recently documentary on Iraqi war profiteering by corporate friends of the Bush administration. The film, titled "Iraq for Sale", was released directly into DVD and its premiere showing was at the day's house parties.

For reasons cited above, I did not think the house party a success. Rather than mope about it, I've decided to hold another house party on October 29th. My event is titled "Bruce's Lets Scare the Republicans Out of Congress House Party." It should be a haunting affair.


October 18th

Suicide Girls show

<the following was written for my personal blog at www.brucedillenbeck.com>

I haven't previously introduced the Suicide Girls to my blog. I was introduced to the SGs via The Boston Phoenix, an alternative weekly. Started in Portland, OR a number of years ago, the web site was originally conceived as a counterpoint to the more conventional images of beauty found in society particularly as they are depicted in women's magazines and in publications like playboy. The picture sets are inspired by the pin-up magazine of the forties and fifties. Think Betty Page. The models, all amateur, come in all shapes and sizes, typically have tattoos, some covering large extremities of the body, and have body piercings. The creator believed that posting semi-nude and all nude images of women is a way to "empower" women. While I admire the sentiments, I think one should always take pronouncements like that with a grain of salt. The web site is a subscriber web site and contains advertising. Ultimately, it is still selling a product and that product happens to be naked chicks. To be fair, SGs is much more that. Let me explain why I am attracted to it.

In addition to the pictorial sets, there are a number of features to the site. To those internet savvy, especially the young, many of these features are familiar. These features include interviews with prominent people in the arts, politics, and media; 800 "groups" organized around ever topic imaginable (e.g. - arts, sports, politics, sex, health). There people can post a message and others can respond to it thus creating threads of dialogue over time. I currently belong to ten groups. Among those I belong to include "Film Club", "Liberal Politics", "Depression", "Lost" (the t.v. show), "Geezers" (for members over 30), and "Dating Sucks", one of my favorites. There is also a message board, similar to group concept but organized around seven topic areas. There is a "local" page, organized geographically that allows one to view other members from your area, which in turns facilitates people networking or hooking with each other. There is SG Radio, which I haven't listened to, and video presentations of the models. The most interesting feature in my mind is the chat room, which allows for live, interactive dialogue among members. Many of the people in chat room have web cams, which allow members to view each other. I've spent quite a few hours in the chat room myself, sometimes late into the morning hours somehow hypnotized by the scrolling lines of text flowing down the screen. The chat room, has a certain voyeuristic element attached to it. Although the participants are not quite anonymous, members are still one step removed from face to face human interaction and thus say things that wouldn't be appropriate at a mixed party. The demographics on the web site and the chat room is on the young side - mostly twenty-somethings. I'll say much more about the chat room at a later time, suffice to say it allows me a unique portal into the minds of the 20-something generation.

One additional element of the SG website that deserves mentioning are member profiles. Each member creates their own profile, similar in concept to MySpace, but in my opinion more imaginatively organized. Each member can keep a blog not unlike the one you are reading now. Members can post pictures, email other members, keep track of the groups they belong, and view comments they've made in those groups. What a lot of these features facilitate are a group identity, a sub-culture of dis-affected youth, or those who embrace non-traditional life styles. Where I fit into all of this I can't say. I wish a website like this had existed when I was growing up but of course there was no web when I was growing up. Perhaps I am just there for the naked pics....



Now, to what I had originally planned on commenting on. Each year, the SGs do a tour of the United States in the form of a burlesque show. According to Wikipedia, "With its origins in nineteenth century music hall entertainments and vaudeville, in the early twentieth century Burlesque emerged as a populist blend of satire, performance art and adult entertainment, that featured strip tease and broad comedy acts that derived their name from the low comedy aspects of the literary genre known as burlesque." The genre originated in mid-nineteenth century America and according to Wikipedia shared the following features:

Minimal costuming, often focusing on the female form.

Sexually suggestive dialogue, dance, plotlines and staging.

Quick-witted humor, lacking complexity.

Short routines or sketches with minimal plot cohesion across a show.

In the 1930s, a social crackdown on burlesque shows led to their gradual downfall. The shows had slowly changed from ensemble ribald variety performances, to simple performances focusing mostly on the strip tease. The advent of various forms of pornography gradually replaced titillation.

Burlesque has been undergoing a revival in recent years. Although still a subculture, it has spawned such events as the Tease-O-Rama - "A sultry, sizzlin' convention of burlesque and dance!" Here in Boston, the revival has spawned the creation of the Boston Baby Dolls, which according to their website "is a troupe of performers devoted to burlesque both classic and modern and variety acts. Our members include fan dancers, sword swallowers, jugglers, tassle twirlers..." You can see them perform the last Sunday of each month at the Boston rock club The Paradise.

When the SGs passed through Boston, I made a point of attending their show. The show, which was held at The Middle East, a rock club in Cambridge, MA, unfortunately was a disappointment. First, the show was held in the basement of the club and the site lines were terrible. Secondly, the majority of people in attendance were frat boys who had come to look at the naked chicks and not members of the SG's community. Depressingly, the SGs in show egged them on. It was like watching a bad video of "Girls Gone Wild." Third, the performance was less "artistic" then I was expecting to see. I had recently seen the aforementioned Boston Baby Dolls and they remained more true to the spirit of Burlesque than the SGs show did. The evening was mixed at best. There were two bands that opened for the SGs. The first was a punk inspired band that pretty much conformed to every tired cliche of punk music. The volume in the room was deafening even by rock music standards. As far as I could tell, the audience was about as impressed as I was. However, the second band was sheer delight. Tsu Shi Ma Mi Rae is an all girl Japanese group, which one critic described as a mix of "punk, avant garde, free jazz, ska, surf and funk." The three girls had personality to burn. Although they sung in their native tongue, they wrote songs with great pop hooks that left one tapping their toes and fronting a Cheshire smile.



October 21st

Depression Meetup, update

The group has been going for almost three months. Attendance has been spotty to say the least. Even though 50 people have joined group, the most attendees we've had at any one meeting is five. I've spoken to other Meet-up leaders who coordinate groups in other cities and confirmed they had similar experiences when getting the group off the ground. People have had no problem find group. Besides posting group on Meetup, it can also be found if one googles "Boston" and "depression." I've also posted on CraigsList a number of times as well.

For the first meeting I rented space in a church but when only two people showed up, I realized that was a waste of space and money. We are now meeting in a hotel bar/lounge just off Harvard Square in Cambridge. The venue seems adequate for now but we will probably have to find something else if the group grows larger. With only five people, everyone can participate and really get to know one another. I've decided to limit the group to 10-12. Beyond that, I think it would get unwieldy. I may not face that decision for some time.

Our conversations have touched an all matters relating to depression. We've talked about our own history with depression, how it has affected our family and romantic relationships, the role of meds versus therapy, our own personal coping mechanisms (e.g. - meditation, exercise), and pretty much everything else.

By our third meeting, group members decided they wanted to meet every other week rather than once a month. We are also alternating the day of the week we meet. Hopefully this will allow others to participate. Although men have joined the group only women have actually shown up at our meetings. Why this is so is unclear to me. Perhaps men have a harder time acknowledging their depression. Although its always dangerous to generalize, I've found the members of my group to be more thoughtful, sensitive, and introspective than the general population. I think this is generally true of most depressives. What is not self evident, is this a personality characteristic related to depression or does it contribute to ones depression? Artists have a higher propensity for depression. Is there a link there as well?

I'll have to start collecting dues from attendees. Meet-up now charges $45/quarter to post a group on their web site. While I can understand there charging a fee for their service, I thought $45 excessive. I picked up the fee at out of my pocket the first quarter but I can't continue to do that.

My role in the group has been minimal. I've acted primarily as coordinator of group. I'll sometimes ask probing questions if the conversation lags but it rarely does. One other woman who participates may be better at group facilitator than I am but she comes to meetings sporadically. It would be helpful to have a co-leader now that group is meeting every other week. There will inevitably be times when I can't make a meeting.
I'll update on group activities in the future.

October 23rd

Sex, cams, and videotape or Bruce's temporary insanity

I've pretty much given up on the personals for now, or at least I've taken a pause. I haven't contacted anyone in over a month. Women have emailed me but I haven't responded. Most of them have been my age or older and, to be honest, I'm attracted to younger women. I think I've backed off because I'm sensitive to rejection. Or, perhaps because I've developed a relationship with several Asian women through another web site (more about that later). I'm also self conscious about my employment situation. I think women see someone who is working as a temp as a loser or at least not worthy of their attention. It doesn't help that I'm too broke to take women out on a proper date - whatever that is.

During the last several months I've striked up a conversation with several women from Asia - two from the Philippines and one from Japan - on another web site, which shall remain unnamed so as not to incriminate myself. I first developed a relationship with C. with whom I've been talking with for the past two months.C. is from the Philippines, 23, and a mother of a two-year old child. She is a single mother.

My tale gets stranger. I'm not sure how much I should reveal. You may judge me harshly. Several months ago I purchased a web cam and I started visiting sex cam sites. There are hundreds of these sites on the web. Just google "webcam" and "sex" and you'll find them. My libido has been high in recent months, a side effect, my doctor informed me, of a new anti-depressant I started taking. This is ironic, as many anti-depressants have been known to lessen the sex drive. My libido has always been high, but now its in overdrive. I haven't been in an intimate relationship in years. Lacking an outlet for sexual urges can make men do irrational things (yes, I once slept with a prostitute). Naturally, I was attracted to the Asian cam girls. Most of them are Filipino. Virtually all of them are gorgeous, incredibly sexy and ridiculously young. Most range in age from 18 to 25. As sex workers they are very adept at manipulating men's desires/fantasies so that they can lure them into private paying rooms. I developed a sex cam habit and started racking up credit card charges. I can now report that I have broken habit.

It can not be understated how addictive these web sites can be. Think of it this way. You're an older guy, relatively good looking but nothing special. You enter a party where all the guests are women. You are free to wander the room. All the women are young, sexy, and flirt with you. They whisper sweet nothings into your ear, even talking dirty to you, suggesting all the things they would do with you if they got you alone. Every women treats you like you are the man of their dreams. It is intoxicating to a man's ego. After I've been on this one particular site for a time, I started frequenting several women including C. After awhile you start developing a relationship with some of the girls. As far as I can tell, most of these women are not prostitutes but are doing what they have to do to survive. Some, from what I can discern, are highly educated. C. and I started talking outside the cam web site via Yahoo Instant Messenger. I've spoken to her several times on the telephone. She's taken quite an interest in me, probably because she sees that I am different than most of men who frequent site. Most men who visit site are downright crude and are not interested in making conversation with the models. Anonymity tends to provoke the worst behavior in people. I suspect many adolescents find there way to these sites as there are no effective barriers to access. Having said that, you still need a credit card to have a private session with a model. I enjoy making conversation with the models. They appreciate it when someone treats them like a lady. Much of the conversing is bit like flirting, or if you like, verbal foreplay. I've told C. how old I am but it doesn't seem to phase her in the least. I'm not delusional and I do a reality check constantly. I'm aware that some Filipino women are interested in meeting American men and immigrating to the States. I already know that from my experience on one Asian personals web site.

Have I shocked and appalled you? Am I a bad person? Am I an example of western sexual imperialism? Am I taking advantage of young, impressionable women. I've asked myself these questions constantly. I'm reading a book called the "Asian Mystique" to better understand any unconscious biases I may have. In the end, however, I'm the party with all the reservations and it is C. who is aggressively pushing the relationship forward.

C. and I were chatting recently cam to cam as she was at an internet cafe. I think there are many more internet cafes in Philippines because fewer people own a personal computer. Her young niece was with her when we were talking. That is the second time a family member was with her when we were chatting on-line. I'm not sure what that means (if she introducing me to her family?). Our conversations are not of deep substance as I think her English vocabulary has some limits. She was kidding me last night about me fathering her a baby even if I don't want her. She desires a light skin baby because they're so cute. I got the feeling that lighter skinned people are viewed more positively in the Philippines. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Her remarks left me uneasy. She already has a 2 year old son and talks about having a baby with me. I've always had mixed feelings about having children but as I approach the big Five - 0 at the end of this month, I believe I'm too old to be a father. I'm also not in a financial situation at the moment to take in a mother and child. I'm just barely getting along as it is. Despite all that, one tends to be attracted to those who are attracted to you particularly if you have issues with your self esteem. And what guy is not flattered by a sexy young girl who expresses interest in them? To be fair, C.does have an engaging personality and comes across as very sweet. C. recently left her cam job is actively looking for other work.

How well can you really know someone when they are 8,000 miles away? I don't know how this will ultimately resolve itself. Part of me is attracted to the idea of romancing someone from afar. Of course, I've had that experience with Ruth, my former wife who was from Canada, and it ended badly. I've been talking to a another cam girl who as I shall call A. A is the same age as C. and also very attractive. She says she is studying computer science at a local university but her studies have been interrupted because she doesn't have money for the tuition. I'm not sure if I believe her or not. When I told her about the program I used to construct my web site and how one doesn't need to know HTML, she asks me what HTML is. That raised a red flag with me. My conversations with A. are almost daily now. A. is more chatty than C. and has been taking me into her confidence. We flirt with one another constantly. I've asked her on more than one occasion what she sees in me and she tells me that I'm nice and treat her as a person rather than a body. I think she is trying to say I don't objectify her. I've also been talking to H., one of the few women on the cam site who is Japanese (most are Filipino). H. is 33 and from what I surmise university educated. She recently took up cam work because she was having financial difficulties. Unlike many of the girls, she is not happy performing in front of the camera and it shows. I think cam work tends to attract women who are exhibitionists at heart. I know this sounds politically incorrect but it is obvious that some of the women really get off on the work they do. At least the ones who stick with it. I think its all part of a natural continuum of sexual tendencies. Some people exhibit a greater range of sexual proclivities than others. You can't exclude the way culture inhibits sexual expression as well. I suspect that Filipino society is less sexually repressed than American society. Look at the consequences of sexual repression. It has given us the Bush administration and the Iraq war. My motto is make love, not war. LOL.



Some days I give serious thought to traveling to the Philippines. Other days I think I'm experiencing a form of temporary insanity and an unhealthy addiction. However, I've always wanted to travel to Asia and now I have a compelling reason. Whether or not any of these "relationships" ends in marriage is probably unlikely but I haven't ruled it out altogether yet. Stranger things have happened.