In Memory of My Father - Part I
My father passed away eight days ago. It was not unexpected. He was just shy of 88.. His health had been declining in recent years and he was no longer mobile due to degeneration of his spine. My mother had been acting as his caretaker for the last ten years. Many in my family thought he might eventually end up in hospital or nursing home but the end came quick. Pending an autopsy it appears he had a stroke. He never regained consciousness. He died ten hours later.
I spent the last week down on Long Island with my family who flew in from all across the country. One brother from northern California, a sister from southern California, another brother from Austin, Texas. My eldest brother lived near to my parents. There was no wake or funeral for my father. We had a simple memorial service at my brother's house with immediate family and a few friends.
I'm still coming to grappling with my emotions over the death of my father. Or, I should say, my lack of emotions. Mostly I feel nothing. I did not have a close personal relationship with my father.
In Memory of my Father - Part II
I'm wondering if the mini-depression I feel right now is due to my father's passing away. That and a headache that comes and goes. I think it may be. Since I can't grieve openly my body is internalizing all that energy and expressing itself in familiar ways.
My father was a complicated man. He was outwardly charming but had few, if any, friends. When he was younger, he had a hard time holding jobs and our family was always one step away from the poor house. My mother and father constantly faught over finances. Many of my father's problems stemmed from his obsessive-compulsive disorder. Of course, it wasn't recognized for what it was in his own time. He was a completely interior man. No one knew what his private thoughts were. Perhaps even he didn't himself. He was not a man of introspection. He couldn't really connect at a human level with people. He could glibby talk about politics, sports, and the stock market but not what was going on in his heart. He was an emotionally absent from us all. I can't say I really knew him and that makes me sad.
I was surprised by mother's reaction to my father's death. There was little love between them but she was faithful as a caretaker right to the end. She said she misses "the poor bastard." At least she has her freedom back. She can do what she wants in the years remaining to her.
I was more surprised by my sisters reaction. She had the most troubled relationship with my father of all my siblings yet she shed the most tears over his passing. Perhaps she mourned the father that she never had and issues let unresolved.
I think my lack of self esteem and lack of confidence comes from my father. I didn't have a man in my life. I didn't have a role model to emulate what being a man is. If anything I am probably more my mother's son. I certainly inherited her depression.
I'm exhausted just writing about my father. I'll end here.
My father passed away eight days ago. It was not unexpected. He was just shy of 88.. His health had been declining in recent years and he was no longer mobile due to degeneration of his spine. My mother had been acting as his caretaker for the last ten years. Many in my family thought he might eventually end up in hospital or nursing home but the end came quick. Pending an autopsy it appears he had a stroke. He never regained consciousness. He died ten hours later.
I spent the last week down on Long Island with my family who flew in from all across the country. One brother from northern California, a sister from southern California, another brother from Austin, Texas. My eldest brother lived near to my parents. There was no wake or funeral for my father. We had a simple memorial service at my brother's house with immediate family and a few friends.
I'm still coming to grappling with my emotions over the death of my father. Or, I should say, my lack of emotions. Mostly I feel nothing. I did not have a close personal relationship with my father.
In Memory of my Father - Part II
I'm wondering if the mini-depression I feel right now is due to my father's passing away. That and a headache that comes and goes. I think it may be. Since I can't grieve openly my body is internalizing all that energy and expressing itself in familiar ways.
My father was a complicated man. He was outwardly charming but had few, if any, friends. When he was younger, he had a hard time holding jobs and our family was always one step away from the poor house. My mother and father constantly faught over finances. Many of my father's problems stemmed from his obsessive-compulsive disorder. Of course, it wasn't recognized for what it was in his own time. He was a completely interior man. No one knew what his private thoughts were. Perhaps even he didn't himself. He was not a man of introspection. He couldn't really connect at a human level with people. He could glibby talk about politics, sports, and the stock market but not what was going on in his heart. He was an emotionally absent from us all. I can't say I really knew him and that makes me sad.
I was surprised by mother's reaction to my father's death. There was little love between them but she was faithful as a caretaker right to the end. She said she misses "the poor bastard." At least she has her freedom back. She can do what she wants in the years remaining to her.
I was more surprised by my sisters reaction. She had the most troubled relationship with my father of all my siblings yet she shed the most tears over his passing. Perhaps she mourned the father that she never had and issues let unresolved.
I think my lack of self esteem and lack of confidence comes from my father. I didn't have a man in my life. I didn't have a role model to emulate what being a man is. If anything I am probably more my mother's son. I certainly inherited her depression.
I'm exhausted just writing about my father. I'll end here.