Eeesh.
Spent last week in the hospital, having my gall bladder removed.
Nice new scars on the abdomen, and the loss of my navel piercing.
The doctor told me, 'But those are so 2002, anyway.'
Whatever.
Thankfully my tongue hadn't closed up too much to fit the bar back through. And it was kind of cool to be in a hospital--most of the doctors could read my tattoo [which is in latin].
Various things I said while on morphine [my friend Melissa wrote them down for my later embarassment]:
++to my mom, whose tag was hanging out of her shirt: 'Let me fix you, you're broken. And you look like Minnie Pearl.'
++re: my sex life this year: 'Well, it started off good, but it's kind of tapered off."
++about my mom's bald dog: 'When she gets him real fat he's gonna look like George from Seinfeld.'
++"Desiree, your antlers clash with your sweater."
++"Mom, I'm sorry you're getting all the smutty girl talk."
++re: my dose of morphine: "She didn't give me as much--it wasn't nearly as full as last time!"
++talking about the doctor: 'He's gonna poke around my innard bits.'
++while looking at my tummy: "Damn you, pancreas, Damn you!"
++"If I could change my hospital experience, I'd get a fill in the blank gown with a sharpie so I could write: 'When was your last period? The 4th. Are you sexually active? Not right now. How old are you? 26.'
++"I'm too busy being filled with Christ's love to menstruate." [I have no idea what I was talking about.]
++"Ooh, hey, I could dance with my IV Buddy now!"
++"I think it qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment to make fun of the gimpy girl. I mean, I'm hooked up to all these machines--I'm like a marionette!"
++re: your fingernails: "Your shit gets blue if you ain't got no oxygen up in tha hizz-ouse!"
++"The duckbilled platypus is like God's little experiment in leftover bits...it's like...it's like the bologna of the animal kingdom!"
++wanting my glasses: "It's all like a Monet, I can't see...where's my peepers?"
++pointing at the clock on the wall, at 6:11: "That is the slowest moving clock that ever was--like 47 hours ago it said it was 5:57."
++"Holy shit, I'm in the hospital and there's football on my tv...there is no god."
++to Desiree: "Your head is ridiculous."
Spent last week in the hospital, having my gall bladder removed.
Nice new scars on the abdomen, and the loss of my navel piercing.
The doctor told me, 'But those are so 2002, anyway.'
Whatever.
Thankfully my tongue hadn't closed up too much to fit the bar back through. And it was kind of cool to be in a hospital--most of the doctors could read my tattoo [which is in latin].
Various things I said while on morphine [my friend Melissa wrote them down for my later embarassment]:
++to my mom, whose tag was hanging out of her shirt: 'Let me fix you, you're broken. And you look like Minnie Pearl.'
++re: my sex life this year: 'Well, it started off good, but it's kind of tapered off."
++about my mom's bald dog: 'When she gets him real fat he's gonna look like George from Seinfeld.'
++"Desiree, your antlers clash with your sweater."
++"Mom, I'm sorry you're getting all the smutty girl talk."
++re: my dose of morphine: "She didn't give me as much--it wasn't nearly as full as last time!"
++talking about the doctor: 'He's gonna poke around my innard bits.'
++while looking at my tummy: "Damn you, pancreas, Damn you!"
++"If I could change my hospital experience, I'd get a fill in the blank gown with a sharpie so I could write: 'When was your last period? The 4th. Are you sexually active? Not right now. How old are you? 26.'
++"I'm too busy being filled with Christ's love to menstruate." [I have no idea what I was talking about.]
++"Ooh, hey, I could dance with my IV Buddy now!"
++"I think it qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment to make fun of the gimpy girl. I mean, I'm hooked up to all these machines--I'm like a marionette!"
++re: your fingernails: "Your shit gets blue if you ain't got no oxygen up in tha hizz-ouse!"
++"The duckbilled platypus is like God's little experiment in leftover bits...it's like...it's like the bologna of the animal kingdom!"
++wanting my glasses: "It's all like a Monet, I can't see...where's my peepers?"
++pointing at the clock on the wall, at 6:11: "That is the slowest moving clock that ever was--like 47 hours ago it said it was 5:57."
++"Holy shit, I'm in the hospital and there's football on my tv...there is no god."
++to Desiree: "Your head is ridiculous."