So, today I suddenly got hit by a huge wave of depression out of the blue. I'm not sure what triggered it, though I've had a rough few weeks with lots of things eating away at me so it might just be the cumulative effect of all that. Anyway, its crippling. I came home from work today and just lay curled up on my bed and cried for no particular reason. It's hard to even write this but I figure it'll do me good to get it out. Right now I feel like I can't engage with anything, I just want to lock myself in a box and hide from the world for a few days until this dark cloud passes. I've spoken to people before about suicidal thoughts but really they're not genuine thoughts about wanting to kill myself. I really dont want to kill myself, I have two kids and I could never be that selfish. But i do want to just 'stop living' for a bit. It's very hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced depression but to me it's like everything is too great an effort. Things as simple and basic as just being awake and having to look at things and process thoughts are incredibly difficult when i feel like this. I dont want any sensory input at all I just want to be sucked into a void where i dont feel anything for a few days. I can't remember who first compared depression to getting a visit from a black dog, but I really dont feel that adequately sums up my experience. To me it's like the entirety of my world has been engulfed in a dark cloud that acts as a filter for experience. Like the opposite of rose-tinted glasses, depression to me is like wearing shit-tinted glasses and while I have them on I can't seem to enjoy anything. Literally every aspect of existence is shit and emotionally painful.
I know it will pass, and I know I'll feel better again soon, so I'm not panicking or worried and I have some strategies that I know will help. But this is the worst it's been in a while and I just feel broken.
If anyone does actually read all this and has similar feelings from time to time please feel free to reach out and message me. It's important to seek support if you suffer with depression or chronic anxiety and outside of my own problems I do like to try and help others through bad times so holla at me if you need to talk to someone.
Peace x
