I can't understand how I can want something so badly, but have so little drive to achieve it.
Since I was a kid, I've loved astronomy. I loved looking up at the stars and seeing the patterns and the constellations. I loved reading about how stars and galaxies and other celestial beings worked and interacted with each other. To this very day, there is nothing that I love more than finding a dark, secluded beach and just lying down and looking up at all the stars in the sky and just...taking them in.
I remember in 5th grade, I went on a field trip to a campsite in the Everglades. One night, they took us down this path and showed us some alligators that were being kept in a huge walled off pond for one reason or another. After watching them for a bit, we all walked down to this grassy hill and just layed back and looked at the stars. There's no ambient light in the Everglades, so you can see just about every single star in the sky. I remember, vividly, thinking that that sky was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I wasn't the only one that felt that way. A few people were brought to tears just by how many stars there are up there, and how few we actually see in the city. That night just reinforced my love of science and of the night sky.
For years I worked hard and got good grades. Well, I didn't work to hard, things having to do with science just kind of came to me. But then, sometime around the end of 10th grade, I just lost my willpower. I still loved reading about science, but I didn't read as much. I stopped doing homework and in 11th and 12th grade I skipped enough school to risk being kept from graduating.
In the two years that followed, I've dropped out of college twice. I've skipped countless classes, done virtually no homework, avoided everything I could and for no particular reason. But I still watched the Discovery Channel like no tomorrow. I still read.
This year, I promised myself that I wouldn't screw up a third time. That I'd stay in for the long haul and go to school everyday. I made a pact with a friend who was in a similar situation, and we agreed to keep each other from skipping and fucking up.
But it's happening again. I'm skipping too many classes. I'm not studying nearly enough. I'm fucking myself over by not doing simple assignments even after being given weeks to do them. I enjoy my classes. I like going and learning something, but for some inexplicable reason, I just can't seem to keep my focus. When I go outside and see the moon, I still want nothing more than to be able to walk on it. I still want to look into a telescope and figure out why stars and planets and everything else does what it does. But for some reason I can't figure out why I don't want to work for it. I've always loved work, but apparently, not when it comes to something that's actually worthwhile.
I'm sorry for writing such a long entry. I'm just kind of hoping that I'll figure out what's wrong with me, or that someone has gone through something just like this, because I know that I can't be the only one.
If nothing else, have a great weekend. I'm going to go get drunk and hit on random womenfolk.
Since I was a kid, I've loved astronomy. I loved looking up at the stars and seeing the patterns and the constellations. I loved reading about how stars and galaxies and other celestial beings worked and interacted with each other. To this very day, there is nothing that I love more than finding a dark, secluded beach and just lying down and looking up at all the stars in the sky and just...taking them in.
I remember in 5th grade, I went on a field trip to a campsite in the Everglades. One night, they took us down this path and showed us some alligators that were being kept in a huge walled off pond for one reason or another. After watching them for a bit, we all walked down to this grassy hill and just layed back and looked at the stars. There's no ambient light in the Everglades, so you can see just about every single star in the sky. I remember, vividly, thinking that that sky was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I wasn't the only one that felt that way. A few people were brought to tears just by how many stars there are up there, and how few we actually see in the city. That night just reinforced my love of science and of the night sky.
For years I worked hard and got good grades. Well, I didn't work to hard, things having to do with science just kind of came to me. But then, sometime around the end of 10th grade, I just lost my willpower. I still loved reading about science, but I didn't read as much. I stopped doing homework and in 11th and 12th grade I skipped enough school to risk being kept from graduating.
In the two years that followed, I've dropped out of college twice. I've skipped countless classes, done virtually no homework, avoided everything I could and for no particular reason. But I still watched the Discovery Channel like no tomorrow. I still read.
This year, I promised myself that I wouldn't screw up a third time. That I'd stay in for the long haul and go to school everyday. I made a pact with a friend who was in a similar situation, and we agreed to keep each other from skipping and fucking up.
But it's happening again. I'm skipping too many classes. I'm not studying nearly enough. I'm fucking myself over by not doing simple assignments even after being given weeks to do them. I enjoy my classes. I like going and learning something, but for some inexplicable reason, I just can't seem to keep my focus. When I go outside and see the moon, I still want nothing more than to be able to walk on it. I still want to look into a telescope and figure out why stars and planets and everything else does what it does. But for some reason I can't figure out why I don't want to work for it. I've always loved work, but apparently, not when it comes to something that's actually worthwhile.
I'm sorry for writing such a long entry. I'm just kind of hoping that I'll figure out what's wrong with me, or that someone has gone through something just like this, because I know that I can't be the only one.
If nothing else, have a great weekend. I'm going to go get drunk and hit on random womenfolk.
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Anyway, since then I've been through the same as you with college. I just can't seem to focus. I have work and girls and my personal life and alllll that other crap on my mind. It's hard to get past that's for sure. Honestly, I'm stil doing it. Still need more school. I'm brign urged and told that it's okay, everyone supports the idea, but for some unexplainable reason, I just don't give a shite. So... Welcome to the club. I know it sux but... it will work out. One day, we'll prolly both be at our respective graduation hoo-rah's talkin' with our mates about it and how hard it was. Hang in there bud, it'll be allright.