theloneranger

Id have to say that the most depressing things in life, well at least for me, are my mistakes and the fact that I am not man enough to deal with them.

You would think that going out to dinner with your family would be a good thing, or at least on par with just going out to dinner. For me, it brings a whole bag of emotions that I usually repress. Im not a very good person, and you will say otherwise if you read this, but believe me, I know what Ive done, and its not good. Everyone has their faults, I think my fault is that I am:

1. Selfish
2. Emotionally Repressed
3. Not man enough to fix stuff

So with those faults, I find myself at dinner, everyone is happy or at least happier than me, wanting to know how Im doing and this and that. I have two things I dont want to talk about or deal with, one being that I have no job and so I dont want to discuss it. As well my history with my aunt and uncle. I wont go into too much detail, its just too much to go over really. To put it shortly, I was down on my luck, they took me in, and I used them. Now I have this hole in my heart, because they just want me to be sucessful and happy, and I made their lives harder. My aunt has some illness that cant be diagnosed and some days cant even walk, she has two beautiful kids and my uncle is a great father and husband working alot of overtime to help pay for medical bills as well as taking care of the kids because my aunt isnt well enough to. I cant even tell them Im sorry, I cant hug them, I cant do anything but feel like a scum bag and sadness while Im around them. I dont know if they hate me or not, but I wish they would hate me, I deserve it. But most likely they are sad that Im the way I am, but dont hate me, because they are great people. To top things off, my grandma and grandpa are mad at me for all that, rightfully so, but I can tell that they want to get mad at me for it in person but just dont discuss it as it would ruin our family outing.

I guess I could go on about the fact that my grandparents want me to contact them more, as they go on trips to other states and do things retired people do with a motorhome. But I dont call, I dont write, I am not a very good grandson. As much as I hate myself for everything, and know about all my bad actions, I cannot compell myself to actually deal with everything and fix myself. Ive been told this and that, yelled at, cried to, discussed with, writen to, but no matter what, I dont change. There is an underlying disfunction with me, I dont know specifically what it is, and Im sure after a couple years of therapy with a shrink I could be helped...but I just dont do it. I dont tell people, except with the anonyminity of the internet, how I feel, what I think, and why I am the way I am. My family doesnt know me, my friends dont know me. I am a box with no openings, Im made of ugly packaging, with way too much tape. You can shake me, but for some reason you cant place the contents, and the only thing that might have any info about whats inside is a barcode, that is outdated and skewed.

If the world could be the way I want it, I would have every person that loves me or cares for me right now, and switch that to hate and discontent. If that were the case, then I think I could live my life knowing that I am truly scum and deserve what is given to me. But alas, there are people that love and care for me, that will do things for me even though they shouldnt. I dont ask for help, but they help anyways. I just wish no one would want to know me, or be close to me. Obviously it wouldnt make me happy, but because I wouldnt have any reason to be happy, I could be content with my life and not worry about hurting anyone.

Sorry for my rant, unless I get a job soon, I probably wont have an SG subscription anymore and you wont have to read anymore. Peace out.