thefuneralof

Most of us would like to convince the world that we know exactly who we are. We put on an amazing front and we're able to display some sort of confidence that persuades people to think we're set and comfortable with who we are.

In reality, we are never actually perfectly confident or ok with who we are. As we go through life we continue to redefine who we are, what we want from life, and what we're able to give and take from those we love. We will never be able to define who we are, becuase the world and our influences constantly change.

Every day I'm influenced by a difference set of people, and I take away a new perspective on the world.

In my search for defining who I am, I've destroyed everything that I once thought that I wanted to be. I destroyed every single goal that I had in life and changed my course more times than I had ever expected too.

At sixteen I wanted to be a musician.
At eighteen I wanted to save the world, become a firefighter and EMT.
At twenty I wanted to change the world and work with politics.
At twenty-one I wanted to change lives and become a social worker and work with children.
At twenty-three I wanted spend my life screaming in a bowling alley and trying to change the world one set of lyrics at a time.
At twenty-five I wanted to be a husband and change the world with someone else...
At twenty-seven I picked my-self off the ground, heartbroken, confused and had no clue where my life was headed...
At twenty-eight i finally found something to help fill the void in my life, I started to embrace and accept some sort of spiritual path. (though I don't want to come off like some sort of born-again maniac as that's not the case)
Slightly later that year, I brought a new life into my house, and being a 'parent' helped define who I was.

I'm turning 31 this year...I can honestly say that I never thought this is where I thought I would be in my life. Not a single day goes by where I'm not amazed how my life has turned out. Every single hardship etched into my mind, but as I look back and those times, whether trying or amazing. I look back with a weird sense of pride, because I didn't let the world get the best of me. That each day, no matter how fucking miserable I was, I still pushed my ass off of that bed, stood up and faced the world. I took everything that it could throw at me, I took loss, pain and misery and made them my best friend, I used every ounce of hatred, depression, sadness and an utter feeling of being hollow to help push me to become a better person not only for myself but for those that I love.

I have no fucking clue where I'll be in 2 years, I don't even know where I'll be a year from now.

What I do know is that no matter what happens, I'll define who I am a day at a time, refusing to stand still and let the world gain ground on me...

I don't need to know who I'll be 5 years from now, I don't even want to know who I'll be then, I'll just embrace who I am today...