thefreak

I'm in a pretty bad spot as of late. The situation @VZ gets worse as I go, culminating in a BS customer complaint where management, as always, takes the customer's word as gospel over us drones who bust our asses day in and day out, then they wonder why employee morale is absolute shit. My only two choices were 1. Lose 5 days of pay and not be able to do shit about it, or 2. Be able to grieve it w/the union, but be out 10-15 days of pay.

This was supposed to be the month where I was reasonably caught up w/bills, and could get a budget started so I could start squirreling away extra cash so I could have some financial security, get back to getting my driver's license, saving up for a junker, so on and so forth. Now, I'm pretty much back to less than Square One. I've got debt piling up, my stress level is @a high I've not had in some time, and I'm pretty much hoping the place gets burned to the ground, they cut me a severance check, and I can go on to greener pastures w/little to no worries.

That's the work end. As for the more personal side of it...



I'm getting increasingly confused and infuriated w/the opposite sex. You know, that kind of stress where you want to swing a puppy @a baby. I'm really hating the feeling I get when it's like I'm only kept around when it's convenient. Or that I'm just not worth a girls' time anymore. When it keeps happening to the point I keep smelling my armpits, wondering if I offend on an epic level, we've got a problem.

Maybe it's just me, but even when I'm working 40-50 hours a week or more, one full day off if I'm lucky, I can still find the time to take 30 seconds to send a text, IM, smoke signal, whathaveyou to say "Hey, how's it goin?" I may be just waking up, I might be on a much-needed smoke break, I might even be taking a shit. But I make the effort, or @least have a damn good excuse if I don't, and let you know it.

But if a girl turns around and makes no effort to contact me back, while they're pretty much off socializing w/everyone else, or I'm basically the one making all the effort, w/little to no explanation as to the goings-on, WTF am I supposed to think? Despite my giant, water-baby head, I'm no mind-reader.

I kept telling myself after all the doings w/the ex that I know I'm still a good person w/plenty of desirable qualities, even though I'm far from perfect. But shit keeps going down to the point where I'm sitting here digging frantically for whatever flaw/sick twist of fate/etc. is making me explode in a mushroom cloud of fail. Is it selfish? Maybe. Is it irrational? While I wouldn't doubt it, due to my track record, I'd like to think not, given the frequency. But I've been wrong before, kids.

Unfortunately, all this has given me quite the case of the lonely bug as of late. Also, as I'm sure you kids can understand, being lonely sucks as fuck when you're also horny as hell. I'm almost to the point where I'm about to jump into oncoming traffic.

(DISCLAIMER - Before you all start calling the men in white coats to take me away for my own safety, I mean this satirically. Simply put, I'd do what just about any man would do in my position; not want to go on living after your testicles explode due to non-use. Self-love can only go so far.)

So, w/everything that's pretty much piled up like so much mountainous shit when I feel like I've only got a spoon for a shovel, I've pretty much running on fumes. Auto-pilot, as it were. Get up, eat (maybe), go to work, come home, eat (maybe), sit in front of the comp to find some way to escape, sleep (eventually), lather rinse, repeat. You can only exert so much willpower in ignoring the elephant in the room when it's raging balls-deep inside you. I'm past the point of emo and up to the point of annoyance, apathy, and increased risk of aneurysm. I'm just not happy.

That's pretty much it. Now I've just gotta figure out where and how to shovel.